Dear Hummer H2 Owner:
Ha ha. So now what, bitch? You shelled out $35K for a big honking super-SUV status symbol a few years ago, and now you're feeling regret? Awesome.
Sure, you knew it would look "commanding" in front of the P.F. Chang's and the Blockbuster Video when you'd double park it during your errands. PLUS you knew beforehand that Hummers only have like 11 MPG. But it was worth the gas money to look "boss" for the "ladies," right?
Buuut, you didn't count on gas getting this expensive. Or society going all green. And now GM's own Kelton Research study says that "at a party, 80% of US car buyers would rather chat up the owner of a fuel-efficient car than someone with a fancy new sports car." So even women at parties don't think you're cool.
Oh, you say no big deal, that you already make plenty of money to offset the $128+ it takes to fill your tank? And those girls at the party were skanks anyway? Hey, that's exactly the standard numbnutted douchebag response we were expecting!
So enjoy your three-ton brick, pal. Maybe you can just fill it with Gatorade now and push it around like a sports bottle. Or fill it with vinegar so you can douche, you douche.
Fuck your mother,
Eat a Dick Joel
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