Episode Summaries For This Week's Chicago ____________

Another week, another dump of public servant procedural programming by NBC. Here are the latest goings on of the fictional firemen, doctors and cops who proudly serve a real city:

Chicago Fire

Season 12, Episode 5: "Thus Spake SaraThrusta"

Captain Emberg loses his lower dentures while horsing around with Joey. Ladder 82 fights an out of control inferno affecting multiple buildings on Lake Shore Drive with the help of a truckload of Kool Aid Jammers. Sara's OnlyFans page is discovered, right before her performance review with the fire chief.

Chicago Med

Season 10, Episode 12: "The More You Know"

Dr. Carnegie and Wilhelm make a gentleman's agreement about the urinals. The Intensive Care night staff have a potluck. Nurse Hadley lets a patient die to make a point.

Chicago P.D.

Season 43, Episode 2: "Carrie, Charlotte, Samantha, and Miranda Rights"

Wilson, Dupri, and Sanchez escalate their circle game. A citywide ring of shoplifters is left alone after all the seized clothes they found were the wrong size. Tybalt shows his dong to the only witness to a murder.

The EADJ Pun Police: Roman Praetorian Guard Edition

"Fellow Praetorian Guards of glorious Rome. It is our task and vow to protect the Emperor from any and all puns or wordplay. Vigilance shall be our duty to the empire."

"Jesus Shoe Repair is mocking how we crucified that man a few weeks ago. TO THE LIONS WITH THIS STREET COBBLER!"

"Oh, I thought the wordplay was in 'seedy', like somehow it had to do with seeds and water, which confused me. But I see it has to do with the plumbing JOINTS, which isn't an enjoyable pun by any stretch of the imagination! TO THE LIONS WITH THEM!"

"'You may be entitled to condensation.' Never mind the lions- I'll slay this one with a sword myself."

"GREAT CAESAR'S GHOST! PROTECT CAESAR FROM THIS PUN BEFORE HE BECOMES AN ACTUAL GHOST! WHY DID I EVEN USE THAT EXPRESSION? IT'S A TOTAL ANACHRONISM!"

Previously On Unitex...

Two doctors. Two different care approaches.

He's chief surgeon of cardiology. She's head of orthopedic surgery. They don't always see eye to eye. In fact, when they're together, it's always...

HEAD TO HEAD, Tuesdays 9/8 C on CBS.

Episode 1: "Pilot"

Dr. Latimer takes issue with Dr. Cahoney's use of a controversial, experimental procedure. The patient survives, but only because Latimer intervenes with a ladle.

Episode 2: "Alliances Forged"

Dr. Cahoney's team of residents are barred from Latimer's cardiology ward. They pose as terminally ill children to gain access and rub it in Latimer's stupid face!

Episode 3: "Series Finale"

Dr. Latimer and Dr. Cahoney can't hide their three-episode-long romance from their co-workers and get unceremoniously fired. They are quickly replaced by a variety show with breakdancers and ventriloquists.

Meetings.

I want you to read the next sentence and take it in like it just plum knocked your mother off her horse: Everything that ever gets done probably had a meeting.

I know, we all hate meetings. We think they're a waste of time and counterproductive blah blah blah, but we need to recognize the importance of sitting down and sussing out details before creating, launching or executing something. Anything. Meetings, for better or worse, are how we get things done.

Here now are a list of things that you never realized involved a meeting:

• The color of a Thighmaster's handles (red)

• How to effectively carve George Washington's nostrils for Mount Rushmore without killing anyone

• The Brazzers logo

• What type of rope to hang Saddam Hussein with

• Who Katy Perry should date next

• What sort of sounds a Shmoo would make

• How much bush Playboy magazine should show monthly

• The brilliant title of the sequel to "Lavalantula."

• Whether there should be yet another verse to "Hotel California" or whether Don and Joe should just play till it fades out

• Whether the Scrubbing Bubbles should have penises or not (they don't)

• The color of E.T.'s eyes (blue)

• The unfortunate release date of Damien Marley's album "Halfway Tree" (Sept. 11, 2001)

• The naming of American Cheese

• Deciding how many words Kim Carnes gets to sing in USA For Africa's "We Are The World" (two)

• Whether or not to make a black reboot of "Uncle Buck" as a TV show (yes)

UAG

The One Where I Introduce The Wife To A Rolly Wrap

Recently J'Net had been talking about trying someplace new for lunch, having maxed out on Delmonico and Pret A Manger (shudder). So I mentioned the excellent Rolly Wraps that they serve at Old Bridge Deli. After describing how they are made, J'Net matter-of-factly said, "Oh, so they're panzerottis." I didn't know what the hell a panzerotti was but assured her it wasn't that. It was its own beautiful new thing.


So yesterday, Tom & I met her for lunch, where she ordered a Rolly Wrap. Again, Tom did not order one. And I opted for a salad. J'Net was automatically impressed by how you could pick the ingredients or go off the menu. She reluctantly ordered a "Philly," knowing full well it wasn't going to capture the essence of a real philly cheesesteak (hardly anything in New York does).

Once the guy started tucking the dough around the ingredients, J'Net automatically said that it was definitely not a panzerotti.


A few bites into the Rolly Wrap, and J'Net was sold. When asked to describe the Rolly Wrap in three words, she said, "liquidy, warm, and perfect amount of bread."


The Rolly Wrap continues its slow dominance of Manhattan, New York, and the United States.