UAG

Smecial Dreams Entry

I'm not sure what this means, but I wrote this in my phone's Notes after waking from a dream:

EADJ Fashion Round Up: The Spring Collection

Waiting in line at Walgreens just got more stylish with a multi stripe golf shirt and a snug pair of flowery linen shorts. Finish off the impatient look with ankle socks and a pair of New Balance sneaks!

Doing strenuous yard work with an analog push mower? A floral jumper will speak to the nature part, while the Adidas tracket keeps you spry and sporty!

Inspiration can come from anywhere, and that includes a 3 year old middling Disney animated movie. Witness Tiffany taking a neighborhood stroll as she channels Raya and the Last Dragon.

"Look for me in church service. I'll be the one sporting the startled owl look."

The Victorian governess look is made more convincing with a Spanish flu facemask and a black lace kerchief that screams, "I'm in mourning!"*

*Yes, I realize the Spanish flu was in 1918 and technically the Victorian era ended with her death in 1901. Don't @ me.

Upcoming InfoWars Conspiracy Theories

Alex Jones's stable of talented writers are cranking out improbable (yet unbelievable) conspiracy stories for gullible dumbasses to believe at first listen. Here are some conspiracies you can expect on one of his upcoming broadcasts:

• UPC symbols are actually secret QR codes that homosexuals use to get the "gay discount" at the supermarket

• Universal remotes use infrared frequencies, which are responsible for airborne AIDS and electronic COVID

• The 2020 film "Wonder Woman 1984" uses subliminal messages to indoctrinate viewers into thinking it's not an absolute piece of shit film

• Dentists nationwide are using fillings as dumping grounds for toxic waste from the wind farm industry

• All school shootings have been faked using special effects by evil liberal Hollywood studios to convince people to give up their guns and stop worshipping God

UAG

"Pathmark Will Set You Free, But First It Will Make You Miserable."

The Newest Guest Additions to VidCon 2025!

VidCon is back and promises the hottest and biggest influencers and content creators to appear live on stage, so get your tickets now! Here are the latest additions to an already stellar guest roster:

• Reactor Core hosts Jamie and Corg react to live footage of themselves onstage!

• TikToker Samantha O' Shush will do NPC emoji reactions if you throw a nickel at her!

• Live Discussion: Was the Dancing Baby too sexy?

• Bro

• Instagram chefs Bailey, Congress and JuntaJunta will prepare lunch for anyone who wants to gamble with their life

• In Memoriam tribute to OnlyJayus's TikTok and YouTube accounts

UAG

Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Watched

"You seem to be lost, ladies. Here, you might need some sunscreen."

*swings axe*

"I love doing crowd work."

"Wait. Nothing happened? And you hit F5? How about F4, did you try that? Nothing? Try F3 or F2, and if it still doesn't do anything, I don't know what to tell you..."

"Oh no, a totally realistic alien over there is heading this way. I better run."

*runs in place in front of stock footage that's going a different speed*

"Shannon, we told you to meet us at brunch at TWELVE NOON at HONEYSUCKLE CAFE. So why are you expecting us at Jiffy Lube at 4pm?"

Newest Rewards Added to the AMC Stubs Program

AMC Theatres are retaining their moviegoing customers with their hugely successful Stubs membership program. A yearly subscription gets you plenty of in-theatre perks, and the list is constantly growing. Here are the latest new benefits of signing up:

• 5 extra minutes of trailers to movies you have no intention of seeing

• Raisinets / Goobers exchange program

• A promise not to have someone with huge hair sit in front of you

• If you're suffering from hemorrhoids, we will scrunch up a bag of popcorn into one o' those donut cushions for you

• First dibs on a special Lady Sybil Crawley edition Downton Abbey popcorn bucket 

• Special glasses that make it look like you're watching a movie at home rather than with a bunch of random losers

The ProofrEADJer: Midmarch Edition

Spotted on Packaging For an Electronic "Flaming" Lamp

"The dancing flames are like elves in the dark night." How poetic. But I don't remember seeing elves in The Dark Knight, do you?

Dog Park Missed Connections

The following Missed Connections were posted by dogs that visited the Bucks County Core Creek Dog Park in Langhorne, PA:

You: The Russian Toy with the limp

Me: The smooth talking Dachshund

Hey gorgeous. We're the same height. Wanna go get coffee sometime?

You: The distinguished Cane Corso

Me: The miniature Schnauzer in the REI harness

You seemed distracted and nervous. Are you a rescue? Me too!

You: The Shi Tzu in the fur coat

Me: The Beagle/Retriever mix with the hazel eyes

We had simulated sex over by the ramp. Wanna do it for real next time? I'm fixed!

You: The oh-so-elegant Greyhound/Pointer mix

Me: The wheezing Pug

I couldn't catch you because your legs are so long and I'm a furry paperweight. But I felt we had a connection!

Type Problem

Spotted online: A Beat Street 40th Anniversary t-shirt:

The problem is that the "40" looks like "HO", so doesn't it now look like BEAT HO STREET?

Hey, What Say We Say Goodbye To Stuff Advertisers Want Us To Say Goodbye To?

Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye!

"If You Never Heal From What Hurt You, You'll Bleed on Pathmark Who Didn't Cut You."

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

 

Upcoming Perks of the AMC Stubs Rewards Program

Hundreds of moviegoers continue to sign up for AMC's Stubs rewards program. Why? Because the list of Stubs perks and bonuses continues to grow. Here are the newest benefits of an AMC Stubs membership: 

• Free parking in the lobby, right behind the box office

• Members get a free laser pointer to use on the screen to drive everyone else crazy

• Free 2K xenon digital laser IMAX projector and a copy of "Interstellar" for members to take home

• Special screenings of current movies with all the male actors' shirts taken off

• Reclining seats for easier blowjobs

• Vintage 20 year old popcorn

Upcoming InfoWars Conspiracy Theories

Alex Jones's famous stable of unstable writers continue to crank out a remarkable volume of batshit conspiracy theories for him to pollute the airwaves with. Here now are stories that they plan to excrete:

• Nancy Pelosi is actually a Halloween skeleton in a wig remote controlled by George Soros.

• Harvey Weinstein was framed. All those women stormed his shower to gaze at him when he left his hotel room unlocked.

• Covid was originally a Mr. Beast prank that grew out of control

• The American Cancer Society actually injected cancer INTO bottles of Roundup weed killer, turning it into a carcinogen

• There were 16 more seasons of "The X-Files" filmed, but the government got the show canceled after episode plots came too close to reality, especially the lizard people storyline.

Clarification

Despite what it says on a Flame Lamp packaging...

... there were no elves in The Dark Knight.

The ProofrEADJer: Early March Edition