UAG

We Are Always Saying Goodbye To Stuff In Advertising

Bon voyage! Buh-bye! Goodbye! Goodbye! So long!

The Best Compliments You Can Expect From Your Family When You Serve Them a Really Badly Done Version of a Pan-Roasted Pear Salad Recipe

"You can really taste the pan."

"Oh, what a lovely inedible centerpiece!"

"Wow, did you core the pears AND crumble the blue cheese yourself?"

"I finished it and I'm not nauseous."

"Hey, a nickel!"

"I thought eating salad was supposed to be good for you."

"You burned the pears. I'm kidding. You ruined all of it!"

"Hello, Domino's?"

The ProofrEADJer: End of June Edition

If We Nominate Pathmark, We Will Get Destroyed.......And We Will Deserve It.

An Incomplete List of Things Objectively Cuter Than Ariana Grande

In addition to ruling the pop charts for over a decade, Ariana Grande will have you believe she is the cutest thing EVAR. We respectfully disagree with Ms. Grande and instead offer these things that are easily cuter than her:

• Japanese mascots for tissue paper

• Single Chiclets

• Children wearing little cowboy duster coats

• Miniature corn impaled on regular-sized corn cob holders

• A catfish wearing a bonnet

• Travel sized nose hair trimmers

• The Funko Pop figure of Ariana Grande

New EADJ Segment: Conspiracy Corner

We're going to try something new here. This segment will present a scenario to the host and writers of Info Wars, and using their gifts for critical thinking and imagination, they will provide possible answers to explain it away.

THE SCENARIO: Although grapes at Shop Rite were $4.99/lb yesterday, today they are selling for $3.99/lb

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CONSPIRACY 1: The global elites—in cahoots with major grocery store chains— are artificially lowering the cost of grapes to encourage people to spend money on empty calories to quicken their death to make room for the Space Lizard People to move into their homes.

CONSPIRACY 2: The decreasing grape prices are an indication that time is actually traveling backwards, part of the federal government's effort to contain the continental US under an invisible time isolating dome and force its citizens to remain docile and childlike.

CONSPIRACY 3: The Shop Rite employee Gary knows that I bought grapes yesterday and deliberately lowered the prices, knowing I'd come back and get VERY UPSET about paying more yesterday.

Royal Match Review Update

Note: This is an update to a May 16 entry

It has recently been brought to our attention that the feckless, helpless, useless king in the Royal Match mobile game has a name:

KING ROBERT. That's the name given to the constant need to be rescued, to the uncanny ability to find themselves in very specific types of danger, and to the inability to properly govern your subjects because you're almost getting drowned by snowman vomit. LONG LIVE KING ROBERT

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To Hulu This Month

Every so often, Hulu renews or cancels shows or movies based on viewer preferences. Here now are all the shows that will be added to Hulu this month:

• Dance Absentee Dads

• Dung Dynasty

• CSI: Golden Corral

• Antiques Roadhouse

• Fun With TRS-80 ASCII Art

Here are the shows and movies that Hulu is removing from their lineup this month:

• So You Think I Can Dance

• Gordon Ramsay Heckles a Shoe Store

• A Very Unflattering Documentary About Netflix

• Pimp My Urinal

• PICKLEBALL! hosted by Roger Federer 

Meanwhile, At the Gaslight Restaurant...

"Here's your check, folks! Thanks for coming!"

*Looks at check*

"Excuse me, miss?"

"Yes?"

"This seems to be another person's check. And it's for $673.44"

"No, that's the correct check. You're table 8."

"But I only ordered a salad for lunch. This check lists Ossobuco and a bottle of 1995 Chateau Pontet-Canet Pauillac for $480."

"Yes, I hope you enjoyed that Bordeaux. I told you it was full bodied and fruity!"

"But you didn't. And I didn't have any wine for lunch. This is all a mistake. Could I speak to your manager?"

"You already did. And you told her you would pay for your bill. You don't remember?"

"I did?"

"Yep. Will you be paying with Visa or Mastercard?"

"...Uh, Mastercard, I guess..."

Coming Soon

A movie based on a TV show that's only showing in theaters.

UAG

Stubs Membership Updates

AMC Stubs program is adding some serious upgrades for both existing and new members. Here are the latest new perks of the program:

• Premier access to first run movies (only the ones starring actor Bradley Whitford) 

• Free tub of Vaseline to apply to your annoyingly squeaky seat

• Enjoy movies under the stars while we wait for a roof replacement

• One of our employees Casey is a very good Dune popcorn bucket, if you catch our meaning.

• Free AMC Stubs promotional emails to you every day for the rest of your life

• Bottomless bucket of expired Jujubes

• You can put your feet up on the seat in front of you. Hell, put them on the shoulders of the person sitting there. We don't care.

• Free high speed wifi so you can text and scroll Facebook instead of watching the movie like the infuriating inconsiderate shit that you are

Every Type of Bra Ad Headline in Social Media

This is the last bra you’re ever going to buy

I’m obsessed with this bra

This bra is shaking up the bra industry

Rethinking the bra from the ground up

Bra companies don’t want you to know this

Get Kickstarter’s Most Funded Bra

This bra is a GAME CHANGER.

We flipped the script on bras.

This bra is taking the world by storm

Mildy Interesting

Air Fryer, Air Jordan, Air Fryer.

Some Available (But Terrible) Porn Star Names

Congrats on your first porn shoot! We’re all ready to begin shooting your debut scene, but first we'll need you to pick a porn name to use in our end credits and IMDB. Here's a dispensary shopping bag full of porn names that you can pick from. Help yourself, but be warned– quite a few of these are stupid:

Him

Fenton L.

Lou Hanging Fruit

Taw Keenaway (from the lyrics to “Take On Me” by a-Ha)

A. Grant FromSchwab

Transthoracic Echocardiogram

Uber Driver

Moe Curly

Her

Meggin’ Strips

Preg Nancy

Amber Alert

Syphilis Diller

Gia Think?

Lunette Ick

Concertina Wyre

Rhoda Dendron

More Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Seen

"Good afternoon. I'd like you to open the main vault for a major withdrawal, if you please. And although I'm asking nicely, please don't fail to notice that my associates have AR-15s pointed at you."

"Another hit off the list. Time to clock out. It's Miller time!"

"I know these are all health code violations, sir, but they're FUNNY!"

"This Sonic guy is a pussy. Time to fuck some shit up."

"You're playing Masud Rana? No, I'm Masud Rana."

"AAAAAAHHHHHH! AAAAAHHHHH! AAAAAAAAHHHHH!

*deep breath*

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Hey girl. You ever jump off an exploding tanker train car?"

"We will not be replaced!" "Good people on both sides!"

 

Today We Asked A Man With His Head Squeezed Between A Woman's Thighs To Explain YouTube Copyright Strikes

"This is a great question, especially if you're a content creator on YouTube. Copyright strikes happens when someone claims that you’ve used their work without permission. Uh, this includes... ah... ouch... video clips, music, or... I can't... various text excerpts... GAG.

When a... *gulp*  copyright removal request is... Lordy...  submitted to YouTube... ow ow ow ow... they review it... hey hey hey hey... And if the removal request is... choke... valid, they remove your video to comply with copyright law." *windpipe collapses, dies*

UAG

Scheduled Appearances For VidCon 2023

VidCon is the latest gathering of content creators, influencers, and. useless dipshits social media stars, all in one place. Here are the latest digital luminaries to catch at this exciting new convention:

• Live daily podcasts from Gaff and the Nook from the second stall in the men's bathroom

• Make up blogger Thomas the Swank Injun will do touch-ups on a dozen faces in only 8 minutes

• Live music from Miranda Sings

• Prank Boyz and the Hidden Camera Gotcha Cru will battle to the death, to everyone's delight

• Jojo Siwa will drive past the building for $50,000

• Mommy blogger Carmen Disaratada will whoop your kid's ass live for likes

• Instagram comedian Disfigurement will take questions

• IG filter expert Shanna V will show everyone her real face for 3 seconds

• Get food poisoning by a variety of TikTok chefs

• Manosphere events will take place in a van in the parking deck

• Controversial puppeteer WHOGIVESASHIT will headline both Friday and Saturday

Stacked Highchairs Were Scared

Stacked Highchairs were scared.

Screen Door was also frightened.

Tour Bus laughed at their cowardice.

Chocolate Chips on Whipped Cream felt empathy for them.

Janitor Mop Bucket just wanted to get out of there.

Say Goodbye To More Marketing Bullshit

Buh-Bye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye!