More Awful But Available Porn Names

Him

NOAH COLLUSION

Steele Dossier

Pépé Tape

Khlav Kalash

Ted Talk

Pope Benedick LXIX

Mike Aswell Hump (HUMP!)

Jack Bothofusov

Former Boom Mike Operator

Her

Kay Sera Sera
Facebook Algorithm
Michonne Accomplished
🤮🦕📎
Fannie Pack
Sigourney Beaver
Waxine Gibbous-Moon
Tyra Misu

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags: Week of March 30

Shitheels tweet. And even they don't use some of these dumb, underused hashtags. So go ahead and slip these into your own tweets, ya shitheel:

#pubicdreads

#slapchopabortion

#relevantroyalfamilynews

#Iprefertheghostbustersreboot

#throwthatDinthePandcontractVD

#doingthenakedwheelbarrowwithColonelSanders

#IthrewupintoonejarandfilledanotherupwithBrunswickstewbutcan'trememberwhichiswhich

The EADJ Fashion Roundup: Spring Collection

Some families color-coordinatedly roll out of bed.

The guy's hairstyle is divided like a pie chart.

Camouflage hides the shame of Burger King.

God, grant me the patience not to reach over and adjust that man's collar for him, because it's driving me crazy.

Imagine working your entire life to come to America, only to be greeted by a bunch of citizens who dress like they don't give a shit.

My friend Michelle thought this guy's outfit made him look like Santa out of the corner of her eye. I agree.

UAG

More InfoWars Conspiracy Theories In The Works

The angry bird Alex Jones is a prolific shit-sprinkler of hate serves up unintelligible theories on the daily. But his talented stable of writers still have to stay ahead of the curve and have some rambling points created a day or two in advance of broadcast. Here are some of the "news stories" they're still working on:

• Anyone who officiates a lesbian wedding at any time receives a "hail Satan" t-shirt and an Indigo Girls CD box set.

• California have created small voting booths to place between the legs of illegal immigrant mothers giving birth so that when the baby is born, he can vote Democratic.

• Every photo posted on Imgur has an embedded invisible watermark that reads "BIDEN 2020".

• The Great Pacific garbage patch is actually an ISIS submarine covered in Kenyan birth certificates.

• The 2018 Mazda CX-3 crossover is a conspiracy of styling, engineering and practicality! (Sponsored by Mazda USA)

• Most women's nipples have a webcam used to blackmail radio show hosts into paying for their beauty school tuition.

• The inventor of Spanx is a democrat. Therefore, wearing Spanx will cause you to have an abortion.

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

UAG

Some More Unused Stage Names For Your Budding Porn Career

So you're young, untalented, and just moved to the Valley. Welcome to the porn industry! So, to get this party started right, you're going to have to have a handle to scroll on the film's credits that no one ever watches. Here are some unused pornstar names that you can help yourself to:

Him

Yoshinoya Balls

Potatoes O’Brien

Voldebutt

Keith Nutsweat

Sammi Conductor

Trey Upright

Edadick Joel

Her

Edda Mammay

Daraprim

Potatoes O’Brien

Asper Creme

The Atlantic Monthly

Jackie Ho Asses

Anna Phylactic Shock

A Dumb Movie Gets More Dumb Taglines From A Dumb Blog

Some Hollywood Movie Ideas Based On The Name of a Marriott Residence Meeting Room in Deptford, NJ

Movie studios are running out of ideas fast. So they are resorting to desperate measures, like starting entire movie franchises on matchbook covers and Dixie cup riddles. This time, four major studios are in a violent bidding war to release a film with the title "Breakfast Overflow." Here are their pitches:

Sony Pictures: "Breakfast Overflow" starring Michelle Monaghan and Josh Gad. An unsuspecting newlywed couple finds a supernatural toaster at a flea market and find themselves surrounded by an endless supply of delicious breakfast foods. This puts a strain on their marriage and even causes them to reconsider getting another dog. Directed by Anna Foerster (Underworld: Blood Wars).

Universal Pictures: "Breakfast Overflow" directed by Eli Roth. This self-aware grindhouse horror flick portrays a boyfriend and girlfriend (Joshua Jackson and Zoe Saldana) who get lost while hiking in the backwoods of the Deep South. They're captured by a cult run out of a converted IHOP restaurant and are forced to try all 67 signature plates in one sitting. Special gore effects by master Shane Mahan.

Disney/Pixar Studios: "Breakfast Overflow" directed by Brad Bird. A lonely English muffin (voiced by Kaya Scodelario) left on the shelf of a Costco finds friendship, heartbreak and love with the help of a sausage (John Ratzenberger), a grapefruit (Danai Gurira), two eggs (Simon Pegg and Jane Horrocks) and a Belgian waffle (Jean Claude Van Damme). Soundtrack by Randy Newman.

Warner Brothers Studios: "Breakfast Overflow" directed by Brad Peyton. A factory that produces microwave breakfast foods gets overtaken by corporate terrorists (Robert Patrick, Adam Driver and Jamie Hector), and it's up to one security guard (Dwayne Johnson) to grab a spatula and take them all over easy. Also starring Jacob Tremblay as a kid lost during a tour and Elizabeth Gillies as the receptionist-cum-munitions expert.

I Can't Believe We Have Another Off-Brand TP Roundup

Brand: Keep It Green

Brand Imagery: Butterflies and leaves over grass or some shit

Brand Promise: An all-natural bathroom experience

Feels Like: Wiping with a scout badge

Brand: Slurpass* Surpass* Facial Tissue

Brand Imagery: A black oval, some beige leaves, and the brand name accompanied by an asterisk asshole

Brand Promise: Like nothing you've ever used before

Feels Like: Like nothing you've ever used before– like a radioactive cactus on fire

Brand: North River

Brand Imagery: What looks like the Led Zeppelin Zoso Symbols

Brand Promise: "A Stairway To Heaven"

Feels Like: "Trampled Under Foot"

Brand: Green Heritage

Brand Imagery: Leaves, leaves leaves.

Brand Promise: A feeling like being set adrift on a raft of billowing leaves

Feels Like: Sasquatch going in dry

Brand: Mont Royal

Brand Imagery: A fancy cursive name in royal blue

Brand Promise: A regal time on "the throne"

Feels Like: A violent revolt (with torches) in the central valley

Brand: Soft Touch

Brand Imagery: Rounded cursive letters over a soothing blue background

Brand Promise: "We won't hurt you..."

Feels Like: "...much."

Project Botma: The Kick-Ass Chronicles of an EADJ Secret Mission

Editor's Note: this post was originally meant to be posted on July 17, 2008, but somehow got sidetracked and remained in the EADJ "Drafts" folder for almost a decade.



The following is an account of a secret EADJ operation that had been conceived and executed within one week. All details included are true and accurate. Its outcome has yet to be determined.

Begin document------


--------------PROJECT BOTMA--------------

*EYES ONLY*

PRIMARY OBJECTIVE: To anonymously mail a box of random crap to Cramer-Krasselt Production Graphics Director Dave Botma in Chicago, thereby confusing the living shit out of him.


SECONDARY OBJECTIVES: To have someone in Chicago surreptitiously catch his reaction to said box of crap; To stay anonymous for possible future Project Botmas.

STEPS:

1) Collect a series of unrelated, random crap. Here are the items:









2) Pack them all neatly in a shipping box.



3) Type up a fake a cover letter:


---------



LaVie International
230 Fifth Avenue, Ste 1702
New York, NY 10001
(212) 725-9100 July 14, 2008



Dear Mr. Dave Botma,



Here are the items you requested. Thank you for requesting these complimentary samples. LaVie International is an exciting, expanding company, and it’s customers like you who make LaVie International so successful in our growth!

Per your written request, here is a complete itemized list for this shipment:

1 (one) Titan Sport Spandex Dome-Cap, black

1 (one) “McCoy 2008: A Celebration of the Presidential Button from 1840 to 2008” softbound

6 (six) knots of yarn, dark orange

1 (one) 7.79 oz package of Shirakiku Brand Sanukiya Udon Japanese Style Noodles, Katsuo

1 (one) potato

1 (one) 1.0 oz bottle of Jelly Belly Mango Pineapple Salsa cologne spray

1 (one) Flexplay No-Return DVD Rental of Mad Money, starring Diane Keaton, Queen Latifah, and Katie Holmes

These samples are for you to enjoy, display or sell on your own. Please let us know if all of the items are in satisfactory condition. If not, feel free to send any of the samples back, and we will gladly replace them with a similar sample of the same value. We are always happy to serve you, and look forward to more of your orders!

Sincerely,

Brett Heim,
Vice President, U.S. Distribution
Email: LaVie.Int@Verizon.net

---------

4) Print the cover letter on some fancy stationery:



5) Print up a mailing label:



6) Drop in the mail!



So the plan was set in motion. And an email was sent to a confederate at Cramer-Krasselt so that they could verify that Dave got it. But here's where the plan started to fall apart. An email from our confederate:

----

"Very funny but....Dave was let go from C-K well over 2 years ago....you
were still here at the time."

----

So, me flaking about not remembering that Dave didn't even work there anymore threw the entire project into limbo, which is where it is now. The good news is, however, that our confederate has agreed to "keep an eye out" for the package in the mail room and has suggested just forwarding it to Dave's home. Stay posted for the latest in PROJECT BOTMA.

Bonus: Here's a scan of the Delivery Confirmation stub for the package. You yourself can participate by checking the confirmation number (0308 1400 0000 4705 4839) at the U.S. Postal Service tracking site.


Bonus Bonus: As a bit of kismet to go along with all this Fight Club imagery, as I was picking up a mailing label at Staples, I noticed this on the shelf (this is real):




Spooky!

UAG

Racist Appliances Don't Die– They Multiply!