Project Botma: The Kick-Ass Chronicles of an EADJ Secret Mission

Editor's Note: this post was originally meant to be posted on July 17, 2008, but somehow got sidetracked and remained in the EADJ "Drafts" folder for almost a decade.



The following is an account of a secret EADJ operation that had been conceived and executed within one week. All details included are true and accurate. Its outcome has yet to be determined.

Begin document------


--------------PROJECT BOTMA--------------

*EYES ONLY*

PRIMARY OBJECTIVE: To anonymously mail a box of random crap to Cramer-Krasselt Production Graphics Director Dave Botma in Chicago, thereby confusing the living shit out of him.


SECONDARY OBJECTIVES: To have someone in Chicago surreptitiously catch his reaction to said box of crap; To stay anonymous for possible future Project Botmas.

STEPS:

1) Collect a series of unrelated, random crap. Here are the items:









2) Pack them all neatly in a shipping box.



3) Type up a fake a cover letter:


---------



LaVie International
230 Fifth Avenue, Ste 1702
New York, NY 10001
(212) 725-9100 July 14, 2008



Dear Mr. Dave Botma,



Here are the items you requested. Thank you for requesting these complimentary samples. LaVie International is an exciting, expanding company, and it’s customers like you who make LaVie International so successful in our growth!

Per your written request, here is a complete itemized list for this shipment:

1 (one) Titan Sport Spandex Dome-Cap, black

1 (one) “McCoy 2008: A Celebration of the Presidential Button from 1840 to 2008” softbound

6 (six) knots of yarn, dark orange

1 (one) 7.79 oz package of Shirakiku Brand Sanukiya Udon Japanese Style Noodles, Katsuo

1 (one) potato

1 (one) 1.0 oz bottle of Jelly Belly Mango Pineapple Salsa cologne spray

1 (one) Flexplay No-Return DVD Rental of Mad Money, starring Diane Keaton, Queen Latifah, and Katie Holmes

These samples are for you to enjoy, display or sell on your own. Please let us know if all of the items are in satisfactory condition. If not, feel free to send any of the samples back, and we will gladly replace them with a similar sample of the same value. We are always happy to serve you, and look forward to more of your orders!

Sincerely,

Brett Heim,
Vice President, U.S. Distribution
Email: LaVie.Int@Verizon.net

---------

4) Print the cover letter on some fancy stationery:



5) Print up a mailing label:



6) Drop in the mail!



So the plan was set in motion. And an email was sent to a confederate at Cramer-Krasselt so that they could verify that Dave got it. But here's where the plan started to fall apart. An email from our confederate:

----

"Very funny but....Dave was let go from C-K well over 2 years ago....you
were still here at the time."

----

So, me flaking about not remembering that Dave didn't even work there anymore threw the entire project into limbo, which is where it is now. The good news is, however, that our confederate has agreed to "keep an eye out" for the package in the mail room and has suggested just forwarding it to Dave's home. Stay posted for the latest in PROJECT BOTMA.

Bonus: Here's a scan of the Delivery Confirmation stub for the package. You yourself can participate by checking the confirmation number (0308 1400 0000 4705 4839) at the U.S. Postal Service tracking site.


Bonus Bonus: As a bit of kismet to go along with all this Fight Club imagery, as I was picking up a mailing label at Staples, I noticed this on the shelf (this is real):




Spooky!