If you watch or listen to Info Wars, fuck you. Your insecurity about a changing world around you has forced you to seek the refuge of a ranting man-baby who blames everyone but himself for his problems, constructing elaborate but unlikely world scenarios so that his prejudiced, hateful mind can find some meaning. But if you cannot wait for Alex Jones's next episode, here are some upcoming conspiracy theories that you can nod your dim, mulleted head to:
• The Black Lives Matter Movement will throw you out if you brush your teeth with any toothpaste with whitening.
• Toys Я Us was closed down because Mattel had finally bent under pressure to start selling black and Latina versions of Skipper. The white backlash sunk sales and put the liberal cowards out of business.
• Ted Nugent has been denied a place in the Rock 'N Roll Hall Of Fame because he innocently called Obama a "subhuman mongrel" and threatened to kill Hillary Clinton, both statements which are well within his 1st Amendment rights and is so unfair because "Cat Scratch Fever" is a fucking classic and the libtard Deep State cucks can't take any criticism.
• That Spanish phrase "CUIDADO PISO MOJADO" on those janitorial "WET FLOOR" signs actually translates to "DANCE TILL YOU DIE, GRINGO."
• Olive Garden's "Bottomless Salad" has been exploited as a secret tunnel for illegals to enter the suburbs. So if you've order one during dinner, before leaving the table you should throw a stick of dynamite in the bowl and run.
• A JEWISH CONSPIRACY IF EVER I'VE SEEN ONE, FOLKS:
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