Alex Jones and Info Wars are just like the Cheesecake Factory, except for grotesquely huge portions of subpar food, they are cooking up batshit conspiracies that would make Art Bell roll his eyes. But even these theories take time to create. Here are some of the lies they're working on for upcoming shows:
• The word "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" in the 1964 film "Mary Poppins" when translated from the Latin, actually means "the white race was born to colonize and conquer mud races."
• Colombians have already created a working teleportation machine, but they only use it to cause bags of cocaine to appear in Alex Jones's dressing room.
• Men's rights groups have been falsely accused of being a bunch of bitter, misogynistic assholes, when in reality they are sensitive, brokenhearted idealists whose dreams have been shattered by fucking bitches and whores murder them all.
• Ping pong is turning generations of youth into limp-wristed, indoors-loving Asian wannabes.
• I hate you.
• LCD screens have secret signals embedded in their screens that brainwash you into liking crap like "Bones" or "Storage Wars."
• Beans, beans are actually not good for the heart. But the more you eat, the more you do fart.
• The Broadway show "Hamilton" is a leftist plot to indoctrinate young people into enjoying negro "rap" music while teaching them about American history. EDUCATION IS A PLOT AGAINST MINDS AND IS THE ENEMY!!!!!!!!!1
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