Smecial Dreams Entry

I guess I published it.

The ProofrEADJER, Rainy Day End of May Edition

A Tribute To All The Chakas, Brought To You By Utz Quality Snacks

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Utz, utz. Utz. Utz.

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Utz, utz utz utz utz utz… utz:

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Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

Other Crap That Came Out Of Stacey Dash's Mouth

Actress Stacey Dash has lately made herself a reliable source of controversy due to comments she makes as a pundit on the Fox News channel. Her seemingly contrary positions on Black History Month, BET,  transgender bathroom rights ("Go in the bushes."), and Paula Deen have people wondering what other positions she has taken. EADJ has done some fake research, and here are a few:


• She's convinced the Toyota girl, the AT&T girl, and Flo from Progressive are all secret lesbians.

• She won't look into a bathroom mirror in the dark and say "Barack Obama" three times, because that means he'll appear and provide affordable healthcare to all Americans.

• She thinks Kim Jong Il has cute dimples

• Donald Trump is a patient, thoughtful, humble politician who's reluctantly running for President because he feels the shrinking middle class has lost a voice in Washington.

• Helium makes balloons sink.

• She believes 9/11 was perpetrated by Gremlins, who by the way are atheists.

• Because of the lyrics to the song "Every Breath You Take," she has put a 1000-yard restraining order on Sting.

• Stacey Dash sides with the Joker and Penguin on almost every episode of "Batman."

• You like the vertical striped curtains? Stacey Dash liked the horizontal stripes better.

• She says Listerine is run by Jews who are trying to rid your gums of "good, Christian germs."

• She thought Season 2 of "True Detective" was awesome.

• Solar energy is a direct hippie Muslim attack on honest, hardworking oil companies who love the Lord.

• Alicia Silverstone is a good actress.

This Week's Least Used Hashtags

Do you use Twitter, or "tweet?" Do you use "hashtags" to "tag" your "posts?" Well, here are some really unpopular ones you can use to make your "followers" stop following you.

#veganvaping

#nads&spanx

#krogerupskirts

#marcorubio20120

#pterodactylsemenmojitos

#yourskipolemyasslet'sdothis

#suckingbriandennehy'smoles

#onhotdaysitsmellsliketunasalad

#staceydashcommencementspeech

#afetishforsmarryingthefirstwomanImeet

#spreadmywingsandtakeashitonyourcar

UAG

Okay, Here Are Your Timesheets For This Week

Hi gang-

As you all are painfully aware, Donovan quit last week. I do realize that it left the rest of us with pretty heavy workloads to make up for it, and I appreciate you all pitching in to help out.

That being said, the new assignments you took on have job numbers, meaning you have to fill in the appropriate hours so that we can bill the clients and get paid to run off to Vegas.

Please use these job numbers when filling out your timesheets (due at EOD TODAY!!!!):


83295 - Erasing "Brazzers" from your browser history

33023 - Telling Donna "what's up"

91662a - Finding the goddamned White Out

91662b - Explaining to others what White Out is

055409 - Farting in the break room so that the burnt microwave popcorn hides the smell

47478 - Conference call with 98º's manager re: reunion tour

73700 - Wondering why they still keep reams of ledger paper around

29174 - Saying 'hey' to the boss in the bathroom even though you know he's taking a shit

88835 - Ordering breadsticks

18434 - Linking In with the cleaning lady

73737 - Imagining a ninja coming in to slaughter everyone in your status meeting

62406 - Forgetting you hit "print" on a 245-page Powerpoint

21282 - Opening the dirty bathroom door with your foot like a pussy

24042 - Longing for Rita even though she's engaged

38565 - Standing back and admiring your giant Skeletor made of Post-Its

America's Got Pathmark

Today We Wonder What Regrettable Tattoos The Riders In The NJ Transit Survey Photo Probably Have On Their Bodies

"Jesse" wanted something cool and futuristic, plus something to commemorate his days working as an audio editor at his local news station, so he got this semi-tribal reel-to-reel spool on his left leg, above the knee.

"Jess's" wild lifestyle back in 1999, plus her interest in "Star Wars: The Phantom Menace's" Darth Maul led her to get this aggressive design tattooed inside her lower lip.

"Angie" was dating a dentist at the time. He was a bodybuilder. She doesn't like talking about it.

Two guesses where "Trina" had these tattooed.

"Don With The Thumbs" got this interesting design on his back, only to find out later that this is a Russian criminal tattoo which was widespread in corrective labor institutions of the Urals.

"Simon Peter" doesn't regret getting this tattoo of a red-eyed bull doing curls on his chest, mainly because he is an idiot.

Yet Still Even More Taglines For A Movie That No One Ever Saw

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

We Rank Some Air Mattress Packaging Models Based On Their Willingness To Fuck You

Jenny of the Serta 15" Twin isn't having it. She's too busy reading Lena Dunham news in OK! Magazine.

Willingness To Fuck You: A dismal 3

Although it appears she's wearing a bridal veil, Connie of Coleman's SupportRest is available. Too bad she's feigning interest in you and avoiding eye contact.

Willingness To Fuck You: An apathetic 4.

Judy of the Serta 18" Twin will hear your pitch, and let you fondle her fun-bags if you say the right things.

Willingness To Fuck You: An encouraging 5.

Elle MacPherson Tammy from Coleman's QuickBed Elite  is definitely interested. You can tell by her glow and her moistened pits that she wants to test the seams of that airbed.

Willingness To Fuck You: A hot to trot 7.

Cougars abound, and Delores of Aerobed's 17" Twin would bang you so hard, your property taxes would go up. What does that even mean?!

Willingness To Fuck You: A horny housewife's 8.5.

Every mattress company has a stud, and Coleman has Shawn. He's DTF and ready to be inside you (or ready for you to be inside him, he's cool with whatever).

Willingness To Fuck You: A solid 10.

Ariel of Coleman's GuestRest Elite Pillow Top is wondering why you haven't entered her yet. She's been lying back ready for about an hour now, and why are you still checking texts? FUCK HER NOW DAMMIT.

Willingness To Fuck You: A commanding 20. What more does she have to do to get your attention? DO IT ALREADY.

UAG

This Week's Least Used Hashtags

Twitter's finest, most erudite writers refused to use these hashtags for some reason. Go figure.

Be our guest and use any of these unused tic-tac-toe grids for your own stupid tweets:

#sexcema

#Hillary2020

#mallbackrubs

#screechnudes

#NeilCavutonipslip

#havingISISonyourresume

#marshmallowfluffonmytaint

#twogayguysandaChinesefingertrap

#takingmyparentstotheGWARconcert

#QdobaisjustChipotlewithlessdiarrhea

#sriracha+cuponoodles=spicyhomelessness