Let's Slurp The Last Hanging Giblets Out Of The EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by Tom Weingard via text:

"Spotted at an Indian wedding: back cleavage!"

UAG

Old Man Rant Of The Day

This was spotted in one of those non-newspapers "am New York," a publication that apparently finds it necessary to print people's tweets. On paper.

Now, I know all about Twitter and tweets and hashtags and shit, so don't think I'm some septuagenarian who just logged on with an America Online 6.0 CD. But what the fuck is this? Is that even a complete sentence? (Answer: no). This encapsulates everything I hate about Twitter: The inarticulate "ugh." The sentence that begins with "when," apparently adopting a format that other Twitter users have used to conserve precious characters, when in fact @jessakeller could have saved even more characters by writing correctly: "It's so much colder than I anticipated."

Was that so hard, Jessa? Moron.

Then I hate the fact that Twitter users (tweeters?) throw hashtags at the end to complete the message: that she was unprepared; that she regretted not checking the weather; that she was currently taking the bus; and that she hopes her collection of words makes it into the local rag.

Let's be honest here. Hashtags aren't efficient- they're fucking LAZY. It's a cheap way for someone to clarify what they're talking about without having to craft their sentences into something readable. What they're doing is throwing parts of a sentence at you and making YOU do all the work. Which is a big hint that what they're saying wasn't important enough for them to take the time to write properly. "When" my ass. #YOU KIDS GET OFF MY LAWN!

<\rant> Amen.

Some Words and Phrases That Have Yet To Find Their Way Into A Jason Mraz Song

• cunt
• botched surgery
• strangulation
• anabolic
• eye-popping flavor
• stirrups
• garrotting
• Obamacare
• seminal vesicles
• grassy knoll
• sideboob
• Søren Aabye Kierkegaard
• body doubles
• frottage
• the ability of the Afghans to self govern
• Mushmouth from Fat Albert
• grenadine
• "controlling one's woman"
• plugin folders
• Dustin Diamond doing the Dirty Sanchez
• eye boogers
• target demographics
• convenience store sushi
• Injuns
• getting paid and it's the weekend coming and it's time to forget about the bad times
• Dusty Baker
• queefs
• mustard gas
• losing one's boner
• "Two Broke Girls"
• pissing matches
• matching pisses
• bacterial infections
• the nonexistence of God in a technological society
• Wisk detergent
• booty claps
• Kim Jong Un's fascination with the NBA

EADJ Pun Police: Sentinel Edition

The Sentinels are mutant-hunting robots programmed to locate mutant puns and capture or kill them. 

ALERT: MUTANT WORDPLAY DETECTED

ENGAGING SHOULDER-MOUNTED PUN RANGEFINDER, FREQUENCY-ALPHA

•••••••••••••••••

LOCATION: VANCOUVER, CANADA, NORTH AMERICA

EVERYTHING FOR DOGS & CATS UNDER ONE WOOF. PROPRIETORS OF ESTABLISHMENT HAVE SUBSTITUTED THE WORD 'WOOF' FOR THE WORD 'ROOF.' AWFUL WORDPLAY CONFIRMED. EXECUTING MAGNA-MOVE.

(DEPLOYS DETACHABLE FEET THAT STOMP STORE INTO DUST)

MUTANT PUN ELIMINATED.

•••••••••••••••••

LOCATION: SEATTLE, WASHINGTON, NORTH AMERICA VIA ALERT MESSAGE FROM HUMAN ANDREW GALL

POSSIBLE WORDPLAY SCANNED VIA BETA-CHANNEL FREQUENCY:

CALCULATING........

CALCULATING........

RESULT: NOT A PUN. BUT OVERLAPPING WORDS ARE CONFIRMED TO BE ANNOYING. 

(ANTI-WORDPLAY BOLTS SHOOT FROM EYES, DESTROYS SIGN BUT KEEPS STORE INTACT FOR SOME REASON)

MUTANT PUN WORDPLAY DEALT WITH. (HIGH FIVES SELF)

•••••••••••••••••

POTENTIAL PUN SCANNED VIA BETA-CHANNEL FREQUENCY.

LOCATION: SOME DUANE READE SOMEWHERE

"SALADBRATION."  NO DEFINITION FOUND. WORD DOES NOT EXIST.

ANNOYING OVERLAP, SINCE THERE IS NO WORD "ADBRATION" OR "LADBRATION."

CALCULATING........

CALCULATING........

"SALAD" WAS SWAPPED OUT FOR THE WORD "CELE" IN "CELEBRATION." NOT EVEN CLOSE TO A PUN. CONFUSING AND BEWILDERING - POSSIBLY VERY LAZY- WORDPLAY INVOLVED.

(SHOOTS TEARGAS CANISTERS FROM KNUCKLES, RENDERING ALL EMPLOYEES IMMOBILE AND LATER, NAUSEOUS)

•••••••••••••••••

LOCATION: NEW JERSEY PANCAKE HOUSE (INTERNATIONAL)

SCANNING VIA DELTA CHANNEL:

"SIP SOP HOORAY" DUPLICATE AWFUL PUN FOUND. SEARCHING FOR PREVIOUS EXAMPLE IN ARCHIVES.... LOCATED IN 16 JULY 2013 ENTRY

DANGEROUS LEVELS OF SHEER AWFULNESS DETECTED

(DEPLOYS PLASMA-MAGNETIC CANNON TO DESTROY IHOP AND ENTIRE AREA AROUND IT FOR A 6 CITY BLOCK RADIUS.)

•••••••••••••••••

LOCATION: NEW YORK TRANSIT SYSTEM, UNDERGROUND

POTENTIAL PUN SCANNED VIA GAMMA-CHANNEL MODULATOR.

CALCULATING........

PHRASE DETECTED: "READY SET GUMBO"

"READY SET GO" IS COMMON HUMAN PHRASE

"GO" WAS REPLACED WITH "GUMBO," WHICH RHYMES BUT IS CLUMSY

CLUMSY = AWFUL PUN

"READY SET GUMBO" = AWFUL PUN

(ACTIVATING PALM BEAM TO VAPORIZE ENTIRE SUBWAY STATION BUT IS INTERRUPTED BY A KID WITH A STICKER)

"SEXGOAT" USED TO REPLACE "GUMBO"

"READY SET SEXGOAT" ≠ AWFUL PUN

SENTINEL POWERS DOWN PALM BEAM, STANDS DOWN.

•••••••••••••••••

(CHEST PLATE OPENS TO REVEAL THETA-FREQUENCY PUN SCANNER)

LOCATION: NEW AMSTERDAM, NORTH AMERICA, EARTH

SCANNING....

"CAREFUL WHAT YOU WITCH FOR."

DEPLOYS FACEPALM

•••••••••••••••••

(FOREARM-MOUNTED PUN SCANNER SWITCHES TO UPSILON FREQUENCY)

SCANNING NEARBY CEREAL BOX:

"A TASTE YOU WON'T BEE-LIEVE!"

NO SCANNER OR COMPUTATION NEEDED. THIS IS JUST AWFUL.

(SETS OFF MEDIUM-SIZED CHERRY BOMB INTO CEREAL BOX, RUNS AWAY)

•••••••••••••••••

(KNEECAP-MOUNTED PUN SCANNER SWITCHES TO ZETA-FREQUENCY)

SCANNING........

VERA BRADLEY CATALOG

"A VERA VERA SPECIAL OFFER"

CANNOT COMPUTE....CIRCUITS OVERLOADED

                                   )\   /|                             
                                .-/'-|_/ |                             
             __            __,-' (   / \/                              
         .-'"  "'-..__,-'""          -o.`-._                           
        /                                   '/                         
*--._ ./                                 _.--                          
      |                              _.-'                              
      :                           .-/                                  
       \                       )_ /                                    
        \                _)   / \(        THE PIG GOES WEE NOT WHEE    
          `.   /-.___.---'(  /   \\                                    
           (  /   \\       \(     L\           THIS IS A SHAM MARRIAGE
            \(     L\       \\                                         
             \\              \\                                        
              L\              L\                                       
[nabis]                                                                

(IN DEFENSIVE MODE, LEAVES ACTIVE NUCLEAR WARHEAD ON PLANET AND LAUNCHES OUT OF RANGE)

Spotted At Target

If you're playing this shit in "real life," then you don't have one.

The Models of the EADJ Fashion Roundup Speak Up

"It's cold out, so I should cover up. But I also feel so darn SEXY, I should wear the leggings that are torn on the thighs like one of those Bon Jovi concert shirts from 1989. Too bad this wool scarf totally covers up my 2013 cleavage."

"I'm a cool cowboy. I tell you whut, by the time you figure out what the words on the back of my jacket say, I'll have gutted you with my samurai sword and taken your girl. Bet."

"Goddammit, the furs at this boutique are all so boring. Don't you have something with alternating stripes… no, alternating stripes that ZIGZAG like Charlie Brown's shirt? You do?! Okay, I'll suck your dick if you take forty bucks off."

"I don't know what the fuck I was thinking when I put these glittered speed skating tights on. I look like one of the Wonder Twins at a gay pride parade."

RU @ THE BAR? IM W8TING 4 TRAIN. ON MY WAY.

LOOK FOR ME IN 10 MIN. ILL B DRESSED UP LIKE INDIANA JONES AFTER A YOGA CLASS WITH TWO SMALL WOLVES DEVOURING MY SHINS.

Let Me Be Your Pathmark (Pathmark) You Can Call Me Queen Bee

The Return of The EADJ Sticker Show

We return with another batch of mysterious stickers found around town, using the power of Bing to divine their meaning and intent.

"FVCK PAONE."

Location: on a traffic pylon in Midtown Manhattan

Guess to its meaning: Angry vegan political action group?

Fvck Paone seems to actually be an L.A. based sticker graffiti artist who decided to open a Twitter account and hasn't updated it since February. Unremarkable mystery solved. Meh.

"Convict Orange"

Location: near a day care center in South Orange, New Jersey

Guess to its meaning: A skater clothing line that misappropriates Monopoly imagery?

Convict Orange is a hardcore band that started in Watchung, NJ with songs like "Shut Up James," "Goldshlager," and "Letter Of Acceptance."

In October, 2004, Convict Orange went in to record their first full length, “Do Not Pass Go,” with the help of music industry guru Anthony Krizan, formerly of the platinum selling group The Spin Doctors. 

Wow. There is nothing more hardcore than The Spin Doctors, let me tell you.

"Pretentious Film Majors"

Location: Chelsea in NYC

Guess to its meaning: An online blog about aspiring film directors?

Close. It's an online VLOG by Drexel University students who review movies, perform short skits and awkwardly interview celebrities at premieres. Want to watch their 13 minute review of "The Great Gatsby?" Go nuts.

"Nolte?"

Location: 42nd Street, NYC

Guess to its meaning: a new brand of yoga leggings?

Not a lot of results came back for this search other than more spottings of said sticker. I wouldn't be surprised if they were put up by the man himself.

"Bankrupt Slut: I Bring The Party"

Location: near a lake in Audubon, New Jersey

Guess to its meaning: an online fashion zine?

Nope. Another band. This one claims they sound like Guns N' Roses, Weezer, Mötley Crüe, and Black Eyed Peas. I'm just going to hold my tongue.

Appropriately, here's their video for "Graffiti Saved My Life:"

???? ?????

Location: Prague, Czech Republic

Guess to its meaning: ???? ?????????

I was at work, but I still typed the text for this in and searched.

I then typed "kangaroo fucking a woman," and, zip. Then I typed in "SEKTOR 1905" because it was on the little seal at the top. Bingo! It's a well-organized Czech football club (Bohemians?) that uses a kangaroo for a mascot for some reason, dresses in smart green-and-white stripes and often clashes with police.

Ten Tough Questions For You

1) What are you doing at McDonald's?

2) Of all the things you could order at McDonald's why would you order a Filet-O-Fish®?

3) If you were somehow forced into ordering a Filet-O-Fish®, why in God's name would you want two of them?

4) Now that you have two Filet-O-Fishes®, are you going to actually sit there in public and eat both of those nasty fucking things?

5) Does all that tartar sauce make you feel like a porn star?

6) Did you ever notice that there is fucking CHEESE in those things? Great Shit.

7, 8) How do you feel after downing two Filet-O-Fish® sandwiches although you only paid for one? Do you feel like you got away with something, or do you feel like you're being punished for something?

9) On the back of your new receipt, is there yet another coupon for a free Filet-O-Fish® with a purchase of a Filet-O-Fish®?

10) Do you have $2?

Let's Adjust The Fake Mustache On The EADJ Mail Sack!

This wonderful ad submitted by Andrew via text:

Nice Exacto work, Andrew! And also submitted by Andrew, using the same technology: INCREDULOUS ICE CREAM

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Watch An Ethan Hawke Movie

So you're interested in a movie and realize that the actor Ethan Hawke is in it. Or, you enjoy Ethan Hawke as an actor and want to support him by watching the latest movie that he's in. Either way, the most important thing to do before watching an Ethan Hawke movie is to realize that Ethan Hawke is just an actor. He is a professional chameleon, paid to bring his interpretation of a character to life. Here are some helpful hints on how to watch an Ethan Hawke movie that will maximize your viewing enjoyment:

1) Try to forget that Ethan Hawke was in "Dead Poet's Society." His performance in that movie was so seminal, so career-defining, that it's unfair to him to compare any subsequent performances to that one. 

2) Stop fixating on his eyebrows. Ethan Hawke tends to express himself A LOT with his eyebrows. But try to read his body language, facial expressions and intonation to get a better sense of what he's trying to act out.

3) If it's possible, pay more attention to the other actors. They too are helping create the story, scene-by-scene, and what their characters say is probably important to the plot.

4) HAVE FUN! Ethan Hawke got into the acting business to help transport people to an imaginary place through interesting stories and convincing performances. Stop overanalyzing everything and enjoy the movie.

And speaking of enjoying the movie, whoever swiped the copy of "Mystery Date" out of my limo's DVD player needs to fess up NOW and return it to me. I'll be fair and won't press charges if the disc is in good condition. Be safe, kids.

EADJ Song Hate: "Hard To Say I'm Sorry" by Chicago

So it's been a while since the last installment of EADJ Song Hate, maybe because the songs on the radio have been so consistently enjoyable and high quality, that there was no reason to complain for over a year <\sarcasm>.

But I think it's time to dredge up this old bit again to express our fervent hate for a dusty from back in 1982: "Hard To Say I'm Sorry" by Chicago. I can't remember if the title is partly in parenths, either, like  "(It's) Hard To Say I'm Sorry" or "(It's Hard To) Say I'm Sorry" or "It's Hard To Say I'm Sorry (Fuck My Ears Are Bleeding Again)" but regardless, this song deserves the full attention of our Song Hate resources.

Let's start by saying that Chicago is a talented band, if maybe not your particular flavor of soft rock. Past songs like "25 or 6 to 4" and "Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is?" show a certain aptitude and musical range that Light Rock stations and guys named Wayne really get a hard-on for. But "(I Really Find It) Hard To (Say) I'm Sorry" is Chicago's first foray into truly sappy, intentionally honeydrenched pop chart-bait. This was a conscious, open-eyed career move for the group, and for that we cannot forgive them.

Let's break down this turd:

Okay, the melody is pleasant enough (perhaps suspiciously so). A piano, some "Love Story" strings, and Peter Cetera's signature nasal honking carve a suppository-shaped ballad that enters you without you noticing and then blossoms like an umbrella with sharp edges in your bowels.

The lyrics suck:

Everybody needs a little time away 
I heard her say, from each other 
Even lovers need a holiday 
Far away from each other 

Hold me now 
It's hard for me 
To say I'm sorry 
I just want you to stay 

After all that 
We've been through 
I will make it up to you 
I promise to 

And after all that's 
Been said and done 
You're just the part of me 
I can't let go 

Couldn't stand to be kept away 
Just for the day, from your body 
Wouldn't wanna be swept away 
Far away from the one that I love 

Hold me now 
It's hard for me 
To say I'm sorry 
I just want you to know 

Hold me now 
I really want to 
Tell you I'm sorry 
I could never let you go 

Okay, if it's so hard for him to say he's sorry, why is he okay with running his mouth about not wanting to be "swept away far away from the one that I love?" He's too proud to apologize, but he really needs to be held? What kind of pride-filled gutter pussy is this? Why would a woman want to hang around with such a simpering, sniveling man-child (Answer: big dick).

God, those lyrics are so embarrassing to even cut and paste. I'm cringing as I'm reading them again. Combine that with cloying instrumentation and some atonal nose-singing, and you've got yourself a 1982 Hot Billboard #1 hit!

But the suck doesn't end there. The end of the song usually faded out to nothing, but on some radio stations (and on the album Chicago 17), the song transitioned into a rocking short track "Get Away." Scroll to 3:47 for the magical moment:

BAHAHAHAHHA! What?! You poured your heart out to me with all this whiny horseshit, then you decide at the end to "recover" with a nut-kicking hard rock number? No, Chicago. That ship has sailed. There is no way you can't pretend the previous 3:36 didn't happen. That's like sending a flaccid dick pic with skid marks in your underwear to your girlfriend, followed up by a selfie of you flexing your abs. You don't come back from that.

So without further ado, we bid a heartfelt, truly earnest au revoir to "Hard To Say I'm Sorry/Get Away." We will not miss you polluting our minivans/dental offices/Guantanamo Bays with your insufferable sincerity.

Click to enlarge