Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Let's Ignore All The Childproof Warning Labels On the EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by Joel himself, a 3-D image he made on his Mac of himself chopping up dick to eat:

"You cross your eyes to make a third image in the middle."



Doesn't work for me, Dickeater.

Best Ad Ever. Of the Week.


Plan to be spontaneous. Pencil a little time in your sked for some R&R. Create a slot in your Microsoft Outlook to let loose. You are a left-brained asshole who will pump your fist at a predetermined allotted time. Fuck you, Trevor.

Monday, April 28, 2008

EADJ Friday Fun Contest Answer.

Tom was in the top right in the green T-shirt.
None of the submissions were correct, so the prize money goes back in the kitty.

An EADJ Crapcade Review: Power Games System, Part 2 of 3


(EDITOR'S NOTE: This second Crapcade review of the Power Games System is by Tom Weingard)

Aside from morbid curiosity aroused by the laughable packaging, I wasn’t exactly thrilled to play Power Games. David actually gave it to me to play before he got a chance to break it out himself, and I took so long to play it that he took it back, played it, and then gave it back to me. His assessment was that Power Games is an assortment of Nintendo rip-offs, which I thought meant games like Super Maggio Bros and Tecman Bowl. The hilarity of playing Castlemania still wasn’t enough to motivate me to play it, however, and it continued to sit in my office for another 2 weeks. Nevertheless, last night at 2PM, feeling guilty about keeping it for so long, I plugged it in my bedroom CRT and gave it a whirl. And the disappointment did not disappoint.

I opened the package and saw a variety of gadgets, my favorite of which was the penguin console with glowing eyes. I only realized it was the console when I saw that the only cartridge fit in the penguin’s back like a spine. Wonderfully random. The two controllers, which are needlessly different from one another, felt like hollow plastic shells, as if they were made larger than their internal components to feel more grandiose and hi-tech. Setup was pretty easy after that, as it took me longer to figure out how to change the input signal on my tv than get the games started.

The menu of games is just a text list on a black screen with all the games you can play. The first selection I saw was “Contra II.” Not so bad, as the Contra franchise has always been enjoyable. Upon remembering David say they were hack games, I was presently surprised to discover it was the actual Super Contra game for Nintendo, albeit with a title screen that said “Super Dung Wak He Do” or some such Japanese nonsense written over the word ‘Contra’. I played the first couple boards and was like cool, the real game! So far so good, even with the clunky controller and the annoying need to point the infrared signal at the penguin to make the controller work.

The next game down the list that caught my eye was “Tecmo Bowl.” One of my top 5 faves of all time—hard for anyone to screw up, I thought. I pressed the button and viola! “Dynamite Bowl” pops up on the screen. Just a clever twist on Tecmo football, right? No! It was an actual bowling game! Tecmo Bowl was a bowling game called Dynamite Bowl! I didn’t know whether to laugh or…actually I didn’t want to expend that much energy caring. So I hit the reset button.

I continued scrolling through the titles all the while wanting to go to bed, because I figured I’d give it the complete college try. To be honest, I had more fun reading the names of the games than I did playing them. Among the nuggets of gold you can find on Power Games: DONGkey Kong 1 (aside from being about an ape’s purple-headed yogurt slinger, why note that it’s the first in the series?), Milk Nuts (won’t even try to explain), some Japanese title where the object of the game is to jump up stairs and bash your head against bricks, and Ninja Guider. The only two games I had some fun with were “T & C Surf”, which I totally forgot about, and “City Connection”, which the glorious website Nintendo8.com (check it out) doesn’t even have. City Connection is the mindless gem where you try to drive your Smart car over all the bricks on the screen while you avoid crashing into cop cars and cats waving flags. Awesome.

After combing through the stack of 110+ Nintendo relics, I decided that the frustratingly complicated 6-button Nintendo controller (whu?), coupled with the lack of instruction manuals and misleading menu titles were too annoying to deal with. Conscience having been cleared, I unplugged the penguin and put it away, never to ‘enjoy’ Power Games again.

All in all Power Games is pretty much a waste of money, especially for the low-income families I suspect it hopes to entertain. At $30, it’s not exactly cheap, because I suspect at this point you can get an actual Nintendo with like 20 games for that price. But then again, real Nintendos aren’t exactly reliable so it’s a crapshoot either way. I’d say just play them on the computer for free. Granted, the market for Power Games is probably families without a computer (judging from David finding the thing in a basket at a Brooklyn bodega), but still, there are better things to spend your money on. A bag of dust, perhaps. However, if you’re 8 years old and stuck at grandma’s, you can plug it right in to her 20yo CRT and probably keep yourself occupied until mom picks you up. After all, who ever looked at the instruction manual when you were that age anyway?

Overall rating: The equivalent of douche popsicles—a quick, convenient treat, but once you start eating it you realize it’s frozen douche and you put it down.

Friday, April 25, 2008

Coming Soon to the EADJ Crappinema: Playin' For the Kitty


I've read novels shorter than this plot summary:


And the award for most-strained analogy goes to...

An EADJ Friday Fun Contest!


Can you find Tom Weingard in this class photo? (Click to enlarge)

The answer on Monday.

Let's Scrub The Barnacles Off the EADJ Mail Sack!


Submitted by Tom Weingard, an ad in the Village Voice asks the question, "What would Voltaire's classic play be like if the protagonist had weird lady hands?"

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Dumb YouTube Comment O' The Fortnight!


Found on communitychannel's video blog entry "Sick Days. just a crappy hello," a comment by DeadMan064:

"i want to cum on your face!"


DeadMan064 is a metalhead from Serbia. So that is pretty cool, actually.

An EADJ Crapcade Review: Power Games System, Part 1


(EDITOR'S NOTE: There are many aspects and details of the Power Games System to judge, so we had to break up its review into three parts using three different reviewers. This first entry is by David Estoye. The other two will be by Tom Weingard, and Lorraine & her boyfriend.)

This reporter was fortunate enough to stumble across this gem of a system while shopping in a pretty jacked up mall in Brooklyn. Along with cell phone accessories and spinning rim belt buckles, the mall kiosks sold videogame systems for $40 a pop; $30 if you pay cash. For some reason the guy was willing to haggle as if we're in a Bangladesh village market. Like we're trading Nakshikathas for salwar kameezes– am I right, people?

After dinking around with a demo model, which I had to keep from the sticky hands of toddlers, I purchased one and took it home. The box felt suspiciously light.

Even before playing the Power Games System, I knew I had to review it fairly. I wanted to judge this system not in comparison to the XBox 360 or the Playstation 3, but to something more in its price range. I decided I would compare it to playing with my nuts.


Packaging:

"Super Entertainment System." The graphics on the box are awesome. Looks like somebody scanned the boxes of other toys from a Dollar Value Store and then made a collage. Top marks.



Components:


The number of components is impressive, too. There's a "Unique Detachable Light Gun," a "High Tech Controller," and a "Wireless Controller," all held snug by some high tech styrofoam and high tech cellophane. Oh, also, there's a penguin.



In comparison, my nuts are in a packaging of cotton boxer briefs, which is then wrapped in denim. Advantage: nuts.




Games like "TENAGE NUTANT..."


"SQOON..."


and the classic "DONGKEY KONG."


It turns out to really be Donkey Kong, actually. Good show.


Dig Dug is Dig Dug, too!


One game which caught my eye, however, was MILK NUTS.




So overall, The Power Games matched my nuts in enjoyability, playability and learning curve. However, my nuts won out in the dollar-per-enjoyment category.

FINAL GRADE:
POWER GAMES SYSTEM: C+
MY NUTS: A++

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Tat's So Raven.


Are you so hopelessly tattooed that the only options for employment are at a record store or as a strip club bartender? AND have you been proposed to anyway? AND for some stupid reason he wants a traditional wedding? Well, Karla, you're in luck, because Doc Wilson's Wrecking Balm Tattoo Fade System is here!

No longer do you have to walk down the aisle holding a bouquet of lilacs and white roses with a gigantic image of a flaming nazi dragon with a viking helmet masturbating with a femur bone on your back. No longer do you have to show the families at the public pool your Yakuza connections. No longer will you get to blame your crumbling personal relationships on your "ink." I hate it when people call it that.


In just 86 weeks, you too can make your tribal/barbed wire arm tat disappear. The Hepatitis C, however, is a different story LOL.


Removal Device = iron stick that you dip in fire


So, relax, fat Maggie Gyllenhaal, your miracle product is here!

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Smecial Dreams Interpretations Entry!


"I dreamed last night that I was working at C-K again, and Marshall called me personally to ask me to come back but said I had to respond quickly if I wanted the job."

-Andrew Gall


----------


What could Andrew's dream mean? We asked some experts:

"Andrew’s latent homosexual attraction to Marshall is once again rearing its ugly head in his dreams." -M. Litos

"Mommy issues." -L. Liss

"I think Andrew is suppressing a desire to return to C-K, as well as a desire to vigorously make out with this Marshall lady. But I sense that his present circumstances are better for him in the long run, as suggested by the ultimatum laid upon him and the fact that Ms. Marshall is apparently a man." -T. Weingard

"Andrew clearly had fried chicken flavored Rosatti's pizza prior to bedtime." -N. Baker

"He struggles with many important decisions in his life and is not sure of his current path."
- B. Sherman

"Hmmmm...if he's already back at C-K working, then Marshall's request to "come back" must refer to something other than work... What kind of "job" was Marshall offering? I'm not suggesting anything lurid, but actually I am Andrew wants his penis inside Marshall's mouth." -J. Thomas


BONUS: Raven Symone's iTunes Playlist!

Monday, April 21, 2008

Wedding Tips 7 or 8, I Forget Which.

video

A special guest drops by to answer your Wedding Tips questions (and to vent about a work-related development).

As Promised!

Here is the utterly unmatched (and unfortunately uncredited) performance of Exterminator 1 from "Maybe I'll Come Home In The Spring," last week's entry in the EADJ Crappinema:

video

Exterminator 1: "I don't understand the world anymore. I mean, I used to understand the world, b...but I don't anymore. I can't understand a world where people just come up and they steal exterminator trucks. I...I don't understand it. I'm going home. I'm going home."

Exterminator 1 eventually went on to become a world famous DJ for rap group Public Enemy.

EDITOR'S NOTE: True MICHITS fans will be happy to know that the real location in this classic cinematic scene is still intact decades later.

Friday, April 18, 2008

So Many Questions.



1) Does my Dad read any of his caps before leaving the house?

2) If he does, is Dad a fan of Hootie & The Blowfish?

3) Which does he like better, "Let Her Cry" or "I Only Wanna Be With You?"

4) Did Hootie & The Blowfish really come out 10 years ago?

5) Hootie & The Blowfish are still together?

6) Where in the hell were they giving out free Hootie & The Blowfish schwag?

7) Or more disturbingly, where did Dad buy Hootie & The Blowfish merch?

8) If my Dad had met Darius Rucker, did he call him Darius or Hootie?

9) If Darius Rucker had met my Dad, did he call him "Cesar" or "Dr. Estoye," or "dude?"

10) Is that a hockey stick?

11) Did my Dad get carded at the entrance to the 9:30 Club in downtown D.C.?



***UPDATE*** After a quick Google search, a special Hootie and the Blowfish 10th Anniversary event was found here. My Dad has mentioned volunteering for golf outings before, and he does indeed frequent Myrtle Beach.

Mystery solved!

(So that's not a hockey stick.)

NOT Coming Soon: The EADJ Crap-brary

Yeah, the idea crossed my mind. And it sure is tempting to do, but I don't get around to reading good books, much less "For the Love of Grace" by Ginna Gray.

Starting to get on my nerves.

So my phone says I have six messages, all from Sergio:

Then when I click the link, it's this crap:


It's indiscriminate forwarding like this that's starting to turn Facebook into Myspace. Thanks, Sergio.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Wedding Tip 6: Freeballin' It

A belated, after-the-fact Wedding Tip from Jessica to J'Net.

video

The EADJ Crappinema Presents: Maybe I'll Come Home In The Spring

Maybe we'll review this crappy movie. Maybe it will take a long time to describe how bad it was. Maybe the combined starpower of Kung Fu and The Flying Nun wasn't enough to save this glowing turd. Maybe the editor overused flashbacks. Maybe this movie didn't really say anything profound about counterculture and just throw hippies in there because it was topical then. Maybe we'll stop all this "maybe" joke horseshit and get on with it.










A transcript of the breakfast scene, verbatim:

Sister: Wow. You look like you've lost 20 lbs.

Sally Field: No, I don't think I've lost that much.

Sister: Well, you still look great.

Sally Field: Thanks...you sure filled out.

Sister: Yeah, I guess so. Well, I'll tell you one thing– I sure feel stuck with this bra. See you got the right idea– who needs it?

Mom: Don't start that again.

Sister: I'm not.

Mom: Her idea of being attractive is going around, bouncing up and down like a cow.

Sister: That's not my idea of being attractive.

Dad: Ladies, please.













Verbatim dialogue of Exterminator 1:

Exterminator 1: I don't understand the world anymore. I mean, I used to understand the world, but I don't anymore. I can't understand a world where people just come up and steal exterminator trucks. I...I don't understand it. I'm going home. I'm going home.

EDITOR'S NOTE: This performance is so incredibly awesome, we are going to do the best we can to rip and post this scene for you soon.

Verbatim flashback voiceover during this scene:

Young Sally Field: Mommy, why don't you and Daddy sleep together anymore at night?

Mom: We do, baby.

Young Sally Field: But you have two beds now when you only had one before. And the one you had before was pretty.
























Maybe reviewing MICHITS was a total waste of time. Maybe we could have spent our time more wisely, like balancing our checkbook or organizing our expense receipts. Maybe it really was all worth it to watch that excellent "Exterminator 1" scene. Yeah, probably.