Off-Brand T.P. Roundup, Round 3

Here completes the Off-Brand T.P. Roundup Trilogy. In a few weeks, all three volumes will be available on a 6-disc special collector's DVD set in exclusive lenticular/hologram dispenser packaging, just in time for Christmas.


Brand: Market Pro
Brand Imagery: Red square with sound wave-y things
Brand Promise: The tissue paper choice of professionals and communists
Brand Reality: Like wiping your ass with a KFC napkin


Brand: Companions
Brand Imagery: Friendly, bouncy typography and organic swirls
Brand Promise: "Everything in its place."
Brand Reality: "Shove it up your ass."


Brand: Unnamed mystery paper
Brand Imagery: Mysterious abstract green pattern
Brand Promise: Absolutely nothing.
Brand Reality: Delivers.


Brand: Vista "Velvety Soft" 2-Ply Bath Tissue
Brand Imagery: White butterfly, pleasant blue watercolor background
Brand Promise: Relaxation in a secluded vale
Brand Reality: A hellride down a BMX path without shocks. And like its namesake, is so disappointing to its users that they downgrade to Toilet Paper XP.


Brand: Distinction One-Ply Bath Tissue
Brand Imagery: Marbly background, Coronet typeface for "class."
Brand Promise: A memorable experience.
Brand Reality: Yes, it indeed was memorable, but only for how shockingly thin the paper was. You'll notice it boasts 1000 sheets per roll. That high quantity could only be achieved by creating paper 1 micron thick:


Thin, right.


I think I ended up using one of those cups that time.


BONUS: A rerun, but only because it's funny now:

Andrew Eats A Rolly Wrap

Editor's Note: Two weeks ago, Andrew in Seattle read the now-famous Rolly Wrap write-up and requested one of his own. Last week, EADJ sent him one via FedEx. He ate it over the weekend, and here are his words and photos:

The plan to consume my day-plus old Rolly Wrap was a well-executed strategy. As I returned from a shopping trip with my fiance Saturday afternoon, I found myself weak with hunger. It was the perfect time. I opened the Fed Ex to find my Munch Boli wrap in decent shape, considering the cross-country journey. I popped the wrap in the microwave for :45, sat down, opened a bag of Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips as a supplement, and went to work.







In short, the Munch Boli was great. I ate every bite in less than 10 minutes, all told. The peppers kept it flavorful, and the meat inside didn't seem harmed from the long journey. The marinara sauce was also excellent.

I found myself satiated and quite happy for the rest of the afternoon and into the evening. I didn't throw up, shart, or cramp. And when none of those things happen, I can confidently deem my meal a rousing success. Thanks, Munch Boli. My curiosity is piqued and my stomach, satisfied. -Andrew

EDITOR'S FOLLOW-UP: For eating meat that had been unrefrigerated for over 24 hours, Andrew receives the very first EADJ Smecial Polonium Mollusk Award as indicated at the bottom of this blog. Also, bonus points for rocking a Transformers t-shirt.

Curiosity, Cured.

Editor's Note: The words and photos in this entry could be considered seriously ***NOT SAFE FOR WORK***. If you are reading this at work, maybe you should be working instead and just read this later in the safety of your home. "Well, why are you writing this at work," you might ask. Well, dumbass, I am writing this at home and have pre-dated this thing so it will post during work hours. Yeah, whut?

In a effort to still protect you from getting fired, EADJ has graciously inserted some 'spacer' photos to force the NSFW stuff out of your window:

Sublime Nonsense #2

Larry K sez: "With the fates of the Mets and Phillies likely to be decided this weekend, I figured I'd get this to you now to keep it timely."

Click to enlarge:


Larry has just doubled his output.

Rolly Wrap Update

IT'S GOOD!


We expect a full write-up with photos for Monday, Andrew. Godspeed.

A Bit We Don't Do Anymore.

It's been a while since EADJ announced the end of doing Pathmark entries like this:


But it seems that other retail stores are getting in on the act. Like Ikea:




(roasted chicken?!)

and Target:



And I know that Pathmark has always been the leader of mis-shelved inventory, but it's going to have to relinquish its crown after this shelf I saw at Target:


I mean, there's so much shit on these shelves that I don't even know what the original display was supposed to look like. Spectacular. Target FTW.

The First Ever Cross-Country Rolly Wrap!

After last week's entry on the Old Bridge Rolly Wrap, West Coast reader Andrew requested one. So it is with great pride that we are sending the first ever cross-country Rolly Wrap to Seattle! A lot of preparation, hidden camera work, and expense was put into this project, so Andrew better fucking like it.



Andrew had requested a "Munch Boil" Rolly Wrap, which consists of peppers, sausage, and mozzarella cheese. A closer examination of the menu, however, shows that it is actually a Munch BOLI wrap. Makes so much more sense now.





It was weird today. People were seriously fascinated by the process of making a Rolly Wrap and watched every step. I asked the girl next to me in line, "Ever see anything like that?" and she responded, "Amazing." I shit you not.


It must be noted that the fresh-out-of-the-oven Rolly Wrap smelled GREAT in the FedEx office. I moved quickly with my back to the cashier to hide that fact that I was shipping a goddamned lunch.


The Rolly Wrap has been shipped via Standard Overnight, so Andrew should get the Rolly Wrap when he gets home tomorrow. We will see how crisp and tasty a Rolly Wrap is after sitting unheated for 29 hours. Mmmmmmm-mmm!


You can also track the Rolly Wrap by clicking here.

A Full List of People Who Have Actually Refused To Have Their Dick Eaten By Joel

• John Forsythe, actor

• Ben Kweller, musician

• Salman Rushdie, author

• Berry Gordy, founder of Motown

• ZP Theart, lead singer of fantastic legendary rock group DragonForce

• Ziggy, fictional comic character

• Jake Johannsen, comedian

• Madeleine Albright, former Secretary of State

• Bowzer, personality from the television program Sha Na Na

• Several members of The Geek Squad

• The Zodiac Killer

• Larry Page, co-founder of Google

Introducing: The EADJ Pun Police

The name is Dover. Detective Benjamin Dover. I'm a beat cop for the EADJ Pun Police with my partner, Sgt. McCracken. We walk the beat in this sleepy town with a keen eye for terrible puns, and let me tell you brother, there's a lot of that garbage polluting the streets. It's our job to shake down the wrongdoers, the miscreants, the out-and-out punsters who pervert our beautiful language into a toothless, two-bit whore with two meanings.

Tonight's Pun Police Blotter:

Phil and I were driving our squad car along Evergreen when we spotted this bank ad in New York's AM newspaper. Now, normally we look the other way with New York's tabloid rags, seeing how The Post and The Daily News have made a living off of consistently good puns. But this one we couldn't exactly let slide:


"Best interest?" Get it? Now, WaMu denied that the word "interest" had two meanings. So we let it off with a stern verbal warning. But not soon after– and right when Phil and I were about to stop by Casey's for a slice of pie– dispatch sent us to the local movie theatre. It was there that we found this poster:


"Made of Honor?!" The title was not only a pun, but one that didn't even make sense. And right when we were starting to write out a ticket for "nonsensical title," I spotted this beauty at the bottom:


Gotcha. That raised the charges to "nonsensical title" and "groaner tagline with intent to distribute." We hauled Columbia Pictures in to sleep it off in the drunk tank. Let them think about what they've done.

So Phil and I had congratulated each other for another successful night of keeping the streets pun-free, until Phil opened a copy of City Tails, a free magazine devoted to "celebrating the relationship between pets and their people."


Everyone knows pet owners are a sketchy lot to begin with. They dote over their animals with a passion that's proportional to their frequency of dog or cat puns. But what we found in that magazine would make you question Man's use of language and even the use of the printed page. WARNING: This is not for the weak of heart:



I couldn't tell you who that ad was for. I couldn't even tell you what cop show that Richard Belzer character used to be on. All I know is that Phil and I called for backup, stormed the offices of Pet Tails, and tasered the hell out of everyone there. Sure, four of their staffers died in the scuffle, but I like to think that I saved far more lives preventing the publication from continuing to spread that read menace. Oh, that was a pun. Dang!

TODAY IN DRAGONFORCE HISTORY

September 24, 1995

DragonForce drummer Dave Mackintosh, then 18, buys a highlighter at the school store. But instead of buying a traditional yellow highlighter, he reaches for a blue one, an exact decision he will make later in life when choosing the color of two 22" x 18" bass drums with Tama Iron Cobra Pedals!

This Just In:

An IM from Andrew:

An Imagined Conversation.

"Awright, we're in!"

"WOO-HOO!"

(high five)

"Look at this place. What a fucking dump!"

"Yeah, where the bitches at? I need a beer."

"Me too. This place is fucking DEAD!"

"Well, let's turn this shit out, then, bro."

(high five)

"..."

"Shit. Why is everyone so quiet?"

"They're all watching that black chick playing guitar on stage. She's kinda hot."

"SHOW YOUR TITS!"

"Don't you shush us, lady. Me and Mike paid to get in here!"

"That hot chick is playing like Mexican elevator music or whatever."

"I'd fuck her, though. Right?"

"Totally."

(high five)

"This ain't exactly a 'bad ass' show like the poster outside said. No Hoobastank or Trapt or nuthin'."

"Yeah, kind of lame. Stay here. I'll go grab some Natural Lights."

This Place Is Full of Assholes.

Click on the tag "Who drinks coffee in the motherfucking toilet?" to see how frequently this shit occurs. Fucking assholes.