Tuesday, September 9, 2008

A Quick Rundown of Joel's Thoughts on Certain Issues


The following are not actual quotes, but computer-generated hypothetical Joel musings:

ON EATING DICK: "I loves it."

ON THE BASSLINE TO KYLIE MINOGUE'S 'I JUST CAN'T GET YOU OUT OF MY HEAD': "Hypnotic."

ON PIZZA HUT CAVITINI: "I definitely have a love/hate relationship with that pasta dish. On one hand, it's a welcome, delicious alternative to the general sameness of Pizza Hut-brand pizza. But on the other, it's a tiny nasty dish of red spiral what-the-fuck."

ON THE LIKELIHOOD OF WIPING HIS BUTT WITH A PINECONE DURING A CAMPING TRIP: "4 to 6 chances."

ON THE TRUSTWORTHINESS OF CHIROPODISTS WHO MOVE YOUR APPOINTMENT AT THE LAST MINUTE: "The first time is forgivable. The second time is pushing it. The third, I think we need to discuss why you're avoiding me. Is it because I caught wood and started moaning?"

ON APOLOGIZING TO CARLA: "I'm sorry, Carla."

ON THE CANADIAN PRIME MINISTER'S DISSOLVING OF PARLIAMENT LAST SUNDAY: "A brazen maneuver of a loophole by Stephen Harper to keep the outnumbered Conservatives in power."

ON HOTEL WAKE-UP CALLS: "They're always nicer when it's a human voice."

ON BISCOTTI: "The harder and more almond-filled, the better."

ON PSYCHOBILLY: "It's an under-appreciated genre of music. The energy, vitality, and sheer talent of many psychobilly bands is undercut by the novelty of their songs' subject matter. A shame, really."

ON MISPLACING HIS IPOD: "Piss fuckburger."

ON SUCKERPUNCHING FRED SAVAGE: "Cruel but understandable."

ON TAFFY PULLS: "Makes me sleepy."

ON WINNING A STEEPLECHASE: "I wouldn't know."

ON LOSING A STEEPLECHASE: "All that time invested for nothing. Makes me mad."

ON PEOPLE THAT BLOW THEIR NOSE WITH THEIR HAND IN THE PARK: "Gross."

ON STACKING TOWELS IN THE CLOSET LIKE CURLED UP CORDS OF WOOD: "I'm all for it."

ON THE POSSIBILITY OF A ZOMBIE OUTBREAK: "I've stockpiled plenty of dick, so I'm ready for anything."

(pictured above, no wonder Toucan Cleric's Fun attracts roaches the size of rollerblades)

No comments: