The following are not actual quotes, but computer-generated hypothetical Joel musings:
ON EATING DICK: "I loves it."
ON THE BASSLINE TO KYLIE MINOGUE'S 'I JUST CAN'T GET YOU OUT OF MY HEAD': "Hypnotic."
ON PIZZA HUT CAVITINI: "I definitely have a love/hate relationship with that pasta dish. On one hand, it's a welcome, delicious alternative to the general sameness of Pizza Hut-brand pizza. But on the other, it's a tiny nasty dish of red spiral what-the-fuck."
ON THE LIKELIHOOD OF WIPING HIS BUTT WITH A PINECONE DURING A CAMPING TRIP: "4 to 6 chances."
ON THE TRUSTWORTHINESS OF CHIROPODISTS WHO MOVE YOUR APPOINTMENT AT THE LAST MINUTE: "The first time is forgivable. The second time is pushing it. The third, I think we need to discuss why you're avoiding me. Is it because I caught wood and started moaning?"
ON APOLOGIZING TO CARLA: "I'm sorry, Carla."
ON THE CANADIAN PRIME MINISTER'S DISSOLVING OF PARLIAMENT LAST SUNDAY: "A brazen maneuver of a loophole by Stephen Harper to keep the outnumbered Conservatives in power."
ON HOTEL WAKE-UP CALLS: "They're always nicer when it's a human voice."
ON BISCOTTI: "The harder and more almond-filled, the better."
ON PSYCHOBILLY: "It's an under-appreciated genre of music. The energy, vitality, and sheer talent of many psychobilly bands is undercut by the novelty of their songs' subject matter. A shame, really."
ON MISPLACING HIS IPOD: "Piss fuckburger."
ON SUCKERPUNCHING FRED SAVAGE: "Cruel but understandable."
ON TAFFY PULLS: "Makes me sleepy."
ON WINNING A STEEPLECHASE: "I wouldn't know."
ON LOSING A STEEPLECHASE: "All that time invested for nothing. Makes me mad."
ON PEOPLE THAT BLOW THEIR NOSE WITH THEIR HAND IN THE PARK: "Gross."
ON STACKING TOWELS IN THE CLOSET LIKE CURLED UP CORDS OF WOOD: "I'm all for it."
ON THE POSSIBILITY OF A ZOMBIE OUTBREAK: "I've stockpiled plenty of dick, so I'm ready for anything."
(pictured above, no wonder Toucan Cleric's Fun attracts roaches the size of rollerblades)
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