Off-Brand T.P. Roundup, Round 3

Here completes the Off-Brand T.P. Roundup Trilogy. In a few weeks, all three volumes will be available on a 6-disc special collector's DVD set in exclusive lenticular/hologram dispenser packaging, just in time for Christmas.


Brand: Market Pro
Brand Imagery: Red square with sound wave-y things
Brand Promise: The tissue paper choice of professionals and communists
Brand Reality: Like wiping your ass with a KFC napkin


Brand: Companions
Brand Imagery: Friendly, bouncy typography and organic swirls
Brand Promise: "Everything in its place."
Brand Reality: "Shove it up your ass."


Brand: Unnamed mystery paper
Brand Imagery: Mysterious abstract green pattern
Brand Promise: Absolutely nothing.
Brand Reality: Delivers.


Brand: Vista "Velvety Soft" 2-Ply Bath Tissue
Brand Imagery: White butterfly, pleasant blue watercolor background
Brand Promise: Relaxation in a secluded vale
Brand Reality: A hellride down a BMX path without shocks. And like its namesake, is so disappointing to its users that they downgrade to Toilet Paper XP.


Brand: Distinction One-Ply Bath Tissue
Brand Imagery: Marbly background, Coronet typeface for "class."
Brand Promise: A memorable experience.
Brand Reality: Yes, it indeed was memorable, but only for how shockingly thin the paper was. You'll notice it boasts 1000 sheets per roll. That high quantity could only be achieved by creating paper 1 micron thick:


Thin, right.


I think I ended up using one of those cups that time.


BONUS: A rerun, but only because it's funny now: