Maybe it's the fact that I've spent over a year now from my beloved Chicago. Or maybe it's because I now ally myself with New York-style pizza. But whatever the case, I can now say with clarity and certainty: Pizzeria Uno SUCKS.
This statement isn't new in my mind. I've always known that it sucks. And when I lived there, I withheld criticism of the local eatery. But I haven't been able to articulate why the damn place is so shitty. So allow me to break it down:
1) Deep Dish Pizza. Thick, wet and horrible. Pizza is pizza, you might say, what could go wrong? Oh, let me tell you buddy. Think of a dry, super-flaky (and BLAND) pie filled with watery tomato sauce and cooked so long the outer crust is partly black. Then try to lift a slice to your mouth without burning the hell out of your fingers from the molten pizza sauce dripping all over. Then try waiting for the pizza to cool down, and you've got a basin filled with soggy tomato-flavored dough. Fucking horrible.
2) The wait. 45 minutes for a tiny table for two? With no waiting area? No bar? Fuck you.
3) The ambience. Sorry, did I say ambience? I meant, sitting at a rickety table with a sticky plastic tablecloth surrounded by blaring Avril Lavigne music and loud fat tourists in what would be considered a "garden apartment" space.
4) The price. I can't even remember what they charged for a pizza, but I'm sure it's not worth it. If they gave this out at a bread line, I wouldn't be surprised if that would start a hobo riot (which sounds totally excellent).
5) Pizzeria Due. The mere fact that Pizzeria Uno is so successful that they had to open another crappy location a few blocks down is frightening. And disheartening. And infuriating.
I don't really know how to end this diatribe. So here's a terrible haiku about it:
Deep Dish Pizza Food
Makes me angry, makes me fart
Shannen Doherty
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