End of the Year Closeout: Part 2

Tonight we retire another EADJ bit: The misplaced item in Pathmark. Partly because we want to just retire this bit. And partly because the security guard at Pathmark threatened to throw me out of the place next time she saw me taking pictures.








Barnes and Noble step up to the plate:



Not that Safeway in Maryland's any better:

End of the Year Closeout.

EADJ officially retires one of its bits to make room for newer, stupider ones.


Goodbye, you miserable middle-aged wretch!


Goodbye, you unlikeable, non-social person who's way too into dogs or cats!


Goodbye, failed art teacher with cutesy, "thoughtful" sayings slapped on the bumper of your '94 Volkswagen Beetle!


In other words, fuck off, Curlz!

Reaction-O-Rama, The Beginning

I show J'Net 2 Girls 1 Cup back in November. Remarkably, she watches the whole thing.

Reaction-O-Rama, The Next Generation

Having corrupted both our parents with 2 Girls 1 Cup, Jay decides that our cousin Melissa needs to see it, too.

Reaction-O-Rama, The Fallout

Mom and Dad discuss 2 Girls 1 Cup and porno. On the way to church, to boot.

Reaction-O-Rama

J'Net and my brother Jay introduce the parents to the wonders of 2 Girls 1 Cup.

J'Net Corrupts My Parents

At a restaurant named "Sir Walter Raleigh" in Greenbelt, Maryland, J'Net and my brother Jay describe something unspeakable- and not surprisingly, online- to my Mom and Dad.

What Dave Levy Lev'd Behind, Part 6

With a special Christmas surprise!

What Dave Levy Lev'd Behind, Part 5

Okay, this might be the worst one yet.



So Dave Levy has left behind rum, a fishing pole, and a parrot. Proving that when he was here, he was either a pirate or a big Jimmy Buffet fan.

***Let's Open the EADJ HOLIDAY Mail Sack!***

Two Christmas cards submitted by J'Net:

The first: Embossed, gold-leaf proof that J'Net paid too much for that muffler in Chicago.





Secondly, a card from J'Net's cousin Lisa:


I'm not sure which dog is Christy, but through the magic of deduction, I know one of them has to be Peanut. I started to feel sorry for that 16-year old playing Santa, being forced to take a photo with dogs with cataracts. Then I noticed the "bone snowflakes" and realized that he signed up for that bum gig. Stupid kid.

Hey! Let's play Who Farted with this photo!

Let's Stick the EADJ Mail Sack With the Check When We Clearly Ordered More Food Than It Did!

Submitted by Andrew Gall, whose ad agency is on the same street as a bunch of hookers:

"Shots taken two consecutive days just outside my building."

What Dave Levy Lev'd Behind, Parto Quatro

Introducing: Tara Humann– Account Supervisor, and pretty good actress.

An 80's Staple (An Aborted Rant)

You've heard the songs a hundred times. And as time goes by, they've become more novel or nostalgic. Maybe enough time has passed since they were first played to get more perspective on the songs, but I've just noticed something about a lot of 80's music: Their frequent use of saxophone solos is cheesy and HILARIOUS.

A quick list of sax solo action:

"Urgent" by Foreigner
"Caribbean Queen" by Billy Ocean
"Who Can It Be Now?" by Men At Work
"Love Theme from St. Elmo's Fire" by David Foster

***Editor Update***

Uh...this hasn't happened before, but apparently another blog has already covered this entire subject. Crap. Check out the excellent and thorough blog here.

So...um...ha ha. I was going to go on about not just the use of saxophone in solos, but in the general structure of the songs, too: Wham's "Careless Whisper," Glenn Frey's "The Heat Is On," etc. Then I was going to do a fake transcript of Foreigner writing "Urgent." Hm, yeah...

Hey, what's with the drive-thru at McDonald's? What is the deal with that?!

Huh? What's that, Pewter Bear?


Thanks, Pewter Bear. Your unsolicited kind words bring welcome comfort in my time of need. Thank you, Pewter Bear. Thank you so much. It's really appreciated.


Yeah. Go fuck yourself.

Let's Slap the Bottom of the EADJ Mail Sack in the Heat of Passion and Call It the Wrong Name!

Submitted by Michelle Litos via IM:

"Changing the conversation" was mentioned a total of 25 times during the C-K extravanza. Really....Larry and I counted. Then Larry heard it so much, he just stopped. But I kept going. Joel Curran was the only one that used the term "360"... Thank God... I was told someone else counted 29...but I was only counting the actual phrase. there was some variations. mostly adding another word into the phrase..."

And here are some results from Googling the phrase "Changing the Conversation:"

From This Month's New Yorker.

J'Net & The Two Bears

Over the weekend, J'Net encountered not one, but TWO frightening beasts. She barely escaped with her life! There were two grizzlies.

Here's one:



And two:

Advertising Tip of the Day

When concepting at a restaurant, make sure you ask if their refills are free. Dammit.

••0•• C-K Xmas Party Coverage Continues ••0••

from Vince via text:

"Apparently, we still have Cell South. PR."

EADJ will continue its exclusive coverage of Cramer-Krasselt's Annual Mandatory Financial Presentation Where They Give Out Like $105 Instead Of A Real Christmas Bonus Party as it develops.

••0•• LIVE: C-K Christmas Party Coverage! ••0••

An anonymous EADJ correspondent will be reporting live from Cramer-Krasselt's Annual Mandatory Financial Presentation With A Couple of Drinks Afterwards Party.

His first entry via text:

"Carin' Seemin' said "It's good to be C-K" in today's Christmas meeting. "Change the conversation" was already mentioned eight times already."

More on this fantastic story as it develops!

Uh, A One-Two, One-Two.

Joel answered his front door today to find MC Serch and a camera crew out front.

The former 3rd Bass rapper and host of "The (White) Rapper Show" had inadvertently knocked on the wrong door, meaning to interview Joel's neighbor Juelz Santana.

The cameras were already rolling, so Serch had just asked Joel to drop a few freestyle rhymes. Fancying himself a pretty good MC, Joel started rapping, with his chimp servant Chad Yarborough beatboxing.

He had managed to rhyme "fresh" with "Tesh" and "night" with "aaiigght" before MC Serch told them to turn off the cameras. Everyone had left, but Joel was still in the flow of it all. Two of the cameramen patiently waited for him to finish so that he would eat their dicks.

(pictured above, an exciting new set of figurines that blame all their socioeconomic problems on Homies.)

Wrong.

Some agency stationery gets proven wrong. Take that, Post It pad!

Brooklyn can be annoying.

Certain parts of Brooklyn, most notably Park Slope, Williamsburg, and Cobble Hill are doing everything they can to pussify New York's coolest borough. If you walk along Fifth Avenue, Carroll Street or Bedford Avenue, you'll see a dizzying array of infuriating boutique shops. All with cutesy, "creative" and often vague names so there's no telling what business they're in. Not many of their signs are set in Curlz MT, but they might as well be.


Bird. 220 Smith Street.

Bird. Pet store, right? Wrong!

"Featuring women's apparel, shoes and accessories by up-and coming designers from New York, Los Angeles, Paris, Scandinavia, and Japan."

Possible explanation: "Funny story, really. Margaret here earned the nickname 'Bird' last summer because she would flit about with her badminton racquet at our place in the Hamptons. She always wanted to open a nice, unique place that sells more stylish rayon scarves since our honeymoon in Scandinavia."

Antidote: Parking illegally in front of the store, blaring The Beastie Boys' "No Sleep Till Brooklyn" five times straight.


Jumelle. 148 Bedford Avenue.

French restaurant? Fragrance store? Wrong!

"Jumelle features all that is covetable in women's clothing and accessories. The well-edited collection can be described as eclectic elegance, integrating modern, classic and timeless styles."

"Covetable?" "Well-edited collecton?" Oh, do shut the fuck up. Oh, and "jumelle" means twin in French? Slap.

Antidote: Standing outside the store, wearing a Dodgers-type jersey with "Crooklyn" on it, drunk.


ylli. 482 Driggs Ave.

Llyli? Yilli? Gigli?

Fuckin' rylly annoying.

"Chic and exclusive men's & women's clothing, jeans, accessories & handbags from emerging and local designers. Now offering shoes by Archangela and Children's wear by Yellow Monkey."

Antidote: Spreading a rumor "Ylli" means "Satan's Magnificent Scrotum." Fundamentalists will be picketing the store my morning.

And there are so many vague, pussy businesses like this:


You know what kind of pizza place I like? The kind that has PIZZA in big red letters out front. And when the phone rings, the guy picks up the phone and says "Pizza place." And the pizza usually sucks, but that shit is awesome.

Next steps: Encourage more businesses like these that don't hide behind hi-falootin' watercolored logos:


Vote with your dollars, Brooklyn!

A Step Closer To Understanding.

I was wondering all this time where the fuck Noel got the bizarro idea of showing the girls at work a photo of his dick in a watch.

Then I saw my spam folder in Gmail:

Filipino Boy Will Survive

(pictured above, what happens when the goddamn salad place doesn't put a fork in your takeout bag and then when you get back to the office there's a goddamned meeting hogging the kitchen)

Who Farted? Battlestar Galactica Styley

Intrigue. Alliances. Clouds. A huge cast. Ingredients for a sappy soap, an award-winning sci-fi series, and a very healthy game of Who Farted? You know, I'd go so far as to say that B.S.G. makes for better games of Who Farted than most soap opera cast shots.

For this installment, we asked Andrew Gall to play, then we'd compare notes. Our notes are in parentheses.


There are a TON of suspects here.

From L to R

#1:

Looks perturbed, if not pissed. Not him.

(Admiral Adama's nostrils flare from disappointment, yet he keeps his chin up, braving the cirrus fart cloud above him)

#2:

Her wide-eyed innocence portrays possible guilt. She's a definite candidate.

(Boomer keeps a neutral stance. Agreed)

#3:

His farts smell awful. This is the look he's used to giving. But I don't
think it's him this time.

(An unkempt, greasy Baltar = high fart possibities)

#4:

She's hard to read. If she farted, it's a nice poker face. I'd say the odds are 70/30 against it being her.

(Starbuck doesn't even know what's going on. She's looking for her other friends)

#5:

Ding ding ding. We have a winner. He's trying to close his eyes and forget the whole sordid scene. This is fart public enemy #1. Unless he's just grimacing from the asian chick's trouser cough.

(I agree that Lee Adama looks very guilty here, but more from trying to hide than from closing his eyes. But I don't think it's him)

#6:

At first glance, she seems like a candidate. But I doubt it. She just looks more fed up at the situation than anything else. She's about to shake her head and say, "not again you guys."

(Passive-aggressive disappointment is a major weapon in President Laura Roslin's arsenal– pun intended)

#7:

This is confusing. Is this woman turned on by farts? She seems to be. I don't think she did it, but the whole thing seems to be affecting her positively. It's an outlook I've wanted all my life.

(I think it's dead-on guilt she's displaying. Her seductive expression does nothing to hide the fact that she let an air biscuit leave the docking station. So it's her)

Here's another excellent example of B.S.G.'s fantastic Who Farted compositions:


Who do you think farted, class?