A Cause For Concern in Aisle 3.

There's a noticeable problem arising in supermarkets across the country, and it's taking hold of our breakfast cereals. Not the predominance of fat and sugar in the cereal, mind you; I'm talking about the over-enthusiasm of mascots on the box art. It used to be an aisle full of the harmless, smiling faces of your spokesanimal buddies. Now it's like you're afraid of getting gang-raped there.


"Crazy" used to belong to a select few characters. Their M.O.: disguise themselves so they can steal the cereal from the kids. They always get close to their object of desire but lose their shit at the last moment, foiling themselves every time. It's like the myth of Tantalus played between cartoons every Saturday morning. This was the realm of Sonny and the Trix Rabbit. Some well-defined territory.


But by turning every single one of these mascots into zealots, it's made ALL of them bizarro nutjobs. I feel like they want to give me a "personality test" and tell me of all the thetans that are trapped in my earthly body. Creep-a-roni!


Sad, really. Like nobody has dignity anymore.


Crunch-atizing someone consists of strangling them with an extension cord and burying them in a shallow grave in the woods, btw.


Even flesh 'n blood humans are acting cartoon-wacky. Check out these two.


Calm down, you whores. And yes, even the ones considered cool customers have a hint of psycho in them now. Half open eyes + slack jaw = deranged


I guess I'm supposed to write some sort of wrap-up line here, but fuck it. Just calm down, cereal critters.