Brooklyn can be annoying.

Certain parts of Brooklyn, most notably Park Slope, Williamsburg, and Cobble Hill are doing everything they can to pussify New York's coolest borough. If you walk along Fifth Avenue, Carroll Street or Bedford Avenue, you'll see a dizzying array of infuriating boutique shops. All with cutesy, "creative" and often vague names so there's no telling what business they're in. Not many of their signs are set in Curlz MT, but they might as well be.


Bird. 220 Smith Street.

Bird. Pet store, right? Wrong!

"Featuring women's apparel, shoes and accessories by up-and coming designers from New York, Los Angeles, Paris, Scandinavia, and Japan."

Possible explanation: "Funny story, really. Margaret here earned the nickname 'Bird' last summer because she would flit about with her badminton racquet at our place in the Hamptons. She always wanted to open a nice, unique place that sells more stylish rayon scarves since our honeymoon in Scandinavia."

Antidote: Parking illegally in front of the store, blaring The Beastie Boys' "No Sleep Till Brooklyn" five times straight.


Jumelle. 148 Bedford Avenue.

French restaurant? Fragrance store? Wrong!

"Jumelle features all that is covetable in women's clothing and accessories. The well-edited collection can be described as eclectic elegance, integrating modern, classic and timeless styles."

"Covetable?" "Well-edited collecton?" Oh, do shut the fuck up. Oh, and "jumelle" means twin in French? Slap.

Antidote: Standing outside the store, wearing a Dodgers-type jersey with "Crooklyn" on it, drunk.


ylli. 482 Driggs Ave.

Llyli? Yilli? Gigli?

Fuckin' rylly annoying.

"Chic and exclusive men's & women's clothing, jeans, accessories & handbags from emerging and local designers. Now offering shoes by Archangela and Children's wear by Yellow Monkey."

Antidote: Spreading a rumor "Ylli" means "Satan's Magnificent Scrotum." Fundamentalists will be picketing the store my morning.

And there are so many vague, pussy businesses like this:


You know what kind of pizza place I like? The kind that has PIZZA in big red letters out front. And when the phone rings, the guy picks up the phone and says "Pizza place." And the pizza usually sucks, but that shit is awesome.

Next steps: Encourage more businesses like these that don't hide behind hi-falootin' watercolored logos:


Vote with your dollars, Brooklyn!