Cammie At The Mamma Chia Sample Station At Costco Answers Your Questions In The Order That They Were Asked

• Thanks, but I have a boyfriend.

• No, really. His name is Paul.

• That's really sweet of you, but I have a boyfriend.

• What is Mamma Chia? I'm so glad you asked! Mamma Chia is the drink of choice for any health-conscious souls seeking an extra dose of vitality. Infused with ancient wisdom and powered by chai, one of the world's healthiest whole foods, Mamma Chia provides sustained energy to power your soul's purpose!

• I'm sorry, but I don't see how that question is any of your business.

• Where are the toilets? They're at the end of aisle 6.

• Thanks, but I have a boyfriend.

• Oh, I thought you meant literally where the toilets are sold. I'm sorry! The restrooms are at the front, over by the hot dog stand.

• What are chai seeds? Well, they're an ancient grain, revered by both the Maya and Aztecs for their amazing energy and natural healing powers... uh, where are you going?

• Hello. No, I'm sorry, I don't give my number out to customers.

• His name is Paul.

• 18.

• Most people say I'm a blonde, but my mother and sister say it's more "dirty blonde." LOL!

• No, these drinks aren't alcoholic. I wouldn't be able to hand out samples of alcohol.

• Yes, you can have a bottle. Omega-3s, calcium, iron and zinc are good for pregnant women!

• Thanks, but my boyfriend Paul is waiting for me at the end of my shift. He's a weightlifter.

• Yes, I get "Rachel McAdams" sometimes. I get "Amanda Seyfried" more often, but my BOYFRIEND PAUL says I look like Jennifer Lawrence.

• What does "Seed Your Soul" mean? I have no idea.

• No, these are free samples. You don't have to tip me, thanks.

• I don't understand. Why am I a "g.d. hippy" for passing these drinks out, sir? And what is a "liberal narrative?"

• This one is Blackberry Hibiscus, but we've also got Cherry Lime, Cranberry Lemonade, Raspberry Passion, Pomegranate Mint, Coconut Mango, Kiwi Lime, Guava Mamma, and my favorite, Grapefruit Ginger.

• Gross. I'm not going to even dignify that with an answer.

• Yes, that's my BOYFRIEND PAUL walking this way.

• He's almost 6'6". His brother is even taller.

• Calcium.

Dear Taco Bell, Samsung, Pioneer Stereo, Kia Motors, KFC, Miracle Whip, Skechers, Speed Stick, Boost Mobile, Fructis Shampoo, Ray Ban, JC Penney, Bridgestone Tires, Fandango and The Arizona Tourism Board:

It's 2012 (soon to be 2013), guys. Can we cut the crap with showing a group of young people riding around in a convertible as a symbol of "good times" and "freedom?" And not just any group of happy young people- a specifically multi-cultural group of happy young people. It is a tired, hackneyed cliché that needs to drive over the Grand Canyon wearing kerchiefs and holding hands. 

Now, what using this cliché in your commercials tells me is that not only are you unimaginative as an advertiser, you have such fear of offending anyone that you create this utopian bullshit peace-on-earth focus-group-generated gang of freshly-scrubbed teenagers, something I have yet to witness in my lifetime. It's actually more racist when you think about it. "Hey! Look how well the Asian guy gets along with the girl who's half black/half white!"

Also, a convertible? Every fucking time? I realize it makes it easier to shoot the entire group, but it's so weird to see something on TV so often THAT NEVER HAPPENS. Well, maybe in Santa Monica.

Bullshit.

Bullshit.

Bullshit.

You could almost take any of these stock photos, slap a random logo on it, and it would look like something you'd see on TV. That's a good idea. Let's try that now:

Man, advertising is easy.

♪ Deck The Hall With Racist Appliances ♫

I actually can't believe this segment has had so many legs.

Literate Book Corner: The New Saint Joseph Baltimore Catechism, Published 1964

Like I mentioned before, there's a free used book rack at my New Jersey train station, and while I mainly dump off books I've read there, sometimes there are titles that catch my attention that I'm compelled to share.

This one is terrific. It's a New Saint Joseph Baltimore Catechism handbook from 1965. And while it's filled with the requisite Bible readings, "study helps" (??????), and Mass prayers, they've gone the extra mile to include illustrations of children saying things that children WOULD NEVER SAY:

I showed it to my wife and she said, "That's propaganda." If I were a kid and heard another kid say anything like that, I would think, This guy is either an adult pretending to be a kid or a fucking narc.

This book frames the lessons of the Bible in terms that children can understand- like honoring your father and mother by obeying their request to do chores- but a lot of these other scenarios are examples of being nice rather avoiding sin. 

Sure, it can be all interpretation of Scripture that being nice is being holy (pretty loosey-goosey, if you ask me), but why try so hard to make children feel guilty about being children? Why instill children with such a deep sense of guilt so early in their lives... oh, yeah. Catholicism.

"You Gotta Want It!"

Picture above, the Baby Jesus does some crunches while he waits for his birthday.

Coming Soon To The EADJ Crappinema: "Humanity's End"

The last two crap movies we reviewed were a children's movie ("Gooby") and a comedy ("The Suburbans"), so it was time we did a sci-fi flick, and here it is: "Humanity's End," starring Nobody and Nobody, and introducing Nobody as Nobody.

So How Did "The Suburbans" Do?

The EADJ Crappinuum has always been the most accurate way to gauge how bad a movie is. The mere fact that it appears on this measure indicates that it falls somewhere between "terrible" and "fucking piss-awful."

"The Suburbans" is one of those movies that leans a little more towards just "terrible" because of the following reasons:

• pretty good production values

• a discernible plot

• not terrible performances (except for the director/writer/main actor/caterer)

Everything else is a solid strike against the movie, from being unfunny, unconvincing, poorly paced, to worst of all, wasting the comedic talents of some solid stars. Oh, and a major strike for not getting Jennifer Love Hewitt to flash her snoobs.