Once Again... LOBSTERFEST

Okay, so it's been almost FOUR YEARS since the last Lobsterfest entry, and it's been that long since I've been totally shitfaced, which is when conditions are best to write this type of entry. The other night, I went to a comedy show in the Upper East Side and had a series of beers, cocktails, and beers that could fill a vat. Here now are some of the Lobsterfest entries that I typed into my phone on the Lyft ride home:

• Lobsters are arachnids, which means they're not very far relatives from spiders. With this in mind, we're going to serve up a series of lobsters in a large, sticky web hung up on the far wall. Guests will be required to climb the web, capture one of the crawling live lobsters, then scuttle it back to their table to be boiled and eaten. Try that with a skirt on! That would be maybe one of the least plausible ways to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster.

• I don't know if you know about these "hoverboards" that kids are riding these days. They're not really truly hoverboards but are these crappy motorized dealies on two wheels. Anyhoo, all our waiters will ride those back and forth from your table to the kitchen and back, serving you hot piping morsels of thawed and cooked lobster tail. Plus we'll make sure the hoverboards are colored orange or red, to go with the lobster theme, if they have those colors in stock. No, you can't ride the hoverboards- insurance reasons. Gee, that seems like another highly unlikely and unsatisfying way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster, doesn't it?

• "Lobsterfest" sounds a lot like "LobsterFIST," so let's do that: through pressure and heat, we mold gigantic boxing gloves from the finest slivers of lobster meat. When guests enter the restaurant, our servers will knock them the FUCK OUT with a sucker punch the likes of which your uncle has never seen since his days in the Navy. Look sharp, hungry fuckers! That seems like a doable but highly violent way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster, don't it?

• Paper dolls. Maybe paper dolls of the customers, wearing little paper lobster bibs. Maybe it's EDIBLE PAPER, and we can have guests eat tiny versions of themselves eating lobster. Maybe this way we can actually leave lobster meat out to the equation entirely and save a cuckload of money! HOLY ASS, that's a pretty shrewd way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We let loose a very angry donkey in the restaurant. A donkey whose only way to calm down is to be fed lobster meat. With it kicking children and taking bites out of booth cushions, our servers will plead with customers to feed their lobster meat to calm the donkey down. Our guests will be forced to part with their dinners and will need to order their whole meals AGAIN! $$$$ And when their second dinner finally arrives, we release TWO MORE DONKEYS! It's moneymaking genius! Somehow through all this could be a way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster.