Former First Lady Side Hustle

Michelle Obama, headphone model?

This Week in CBS FBI Shows

The following are this week's episode summaries for FBI, FBI: International and FBI: Most Wanted, all airing on CBS:

FBI

S12E06 "Blankenship"

Casey comes to a decision. Mallory and Jake make an uneasy alliance. Director Spender puts the kibosh on casual Fridays after the khakis incident.

FBI: International

S08E02 "El Niño and the Panini"

Assistant Director Cortez confronts Teasdale and Anyango over their "overzealous" arrest of the drug mule. Shaya tries a Four Loko in the Evidence Room. Somebody accidentally shoots out the TV during a Powerpoint presentation.

FBI: Most Wanted

S02E04 "What You Leave Behind is Not What is Engraved in Stone Monuments, But What is Woven Into the Lives of Others"

Kurtis and Samantha break up during the Ivanov raid. An animatronic clown tells Special Agent Norris's darkest secrets. The internship program is canceled when everyone's AirPods go missing.

Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Seen

"Stop squirming, centipede! Wait till I get my hands around your tiny, stupid throat!"

"Who was the lovely lady who left this glass Croc at the ball?"

"That is NOT how you make a Jameson on the rocks!"

"Duuuuude!" (a mind-blowing callback to both Dude Bro Party Massacre I and II)

"I'm 15, Mom. Can't I just babysit myself while you're gone?"

"No. And your uncle is already on his way."

The Latest Perks Added To the AMC Stubs Rewards Program

Word of mouth is spreading, and thousands of new AMC Stubs members have been added in the past weeks. What's the big fuss? Well, AMC already has a successful rewards program but has announced even more perks that members can enjoy if they sign up now.

Here are the newest benefits added to the program:

• Free Se7en themed popcorn bucket which is just a cardboard box with a woman's head in it

• If you can find a way to hook up a garden hose to the soda fountain and snake it all the way to your seat, go nuts

• Free COVID testing before, during and after any matinee.

• We will turn down the volume of the movie if your phone rings and you have to answer it.

• One of our guys will make out with your Mom to distract her if she's not enjoying the film

• If you get a boner during a sexy scene, we promise not to shine our flashlights on it

A Pathmark Inversion

Editor's Note: We know we did a Pathmark yesterday, but wanted to call attention to this.

Spotted at Old Navy, actually–not Pathmark. Whilst in line, I saw this charming switcheroo:

A candy amongst the hair clips.

Then a hair clip amongt the candies.

SUCH SYMMETRY!

"A Lie Can Travel Halfway Around the World While the Pathmark Is Putting On Its Shoes"

My Rule of Thumb For Books

Yeah, don't judge a book by its cover, blah blah blah, but I've seen enough books at Target and Barnes & Noble to know not to purchase a book if the cover art in any way looks like the clipart they use for DoorDash, corporate websites and Powerpoint presentations.

I AVOID. Here are more examples:

UAG

Inspirational Quotes From... WHO?

Spotted on a wall in Millburn, NJ: a sculpture of a book with some fancy writing on it.

Which is all well and good, until you get to the attribution at the end.

What the shit, Millburn artist? You have no human poet friends? Lazy. 😡

Cancellations For VidCon 2025

With a nasty stomach virus still going around and the revelation that event organizers are broke and can't pay, many VidCon attendees are cancelling their appearances at the upcoming influencer expo.

Some of the latest cancellations:

• Warga the Dipping Bird may agree to appear but WILL NOT DIP

• Sasha & Temu Caillou

• Prank Peloton Coaches

• Ghislaine Maxwell impersonator Gillaine Paxil

• "Affluencer" Rich Kid Tycoon McDucats

• Batmansplainer

• Andy Dick called in to tell VidCon that they will be "dickless". Classic.

Let's Lose the Bookmark and Forget Where We Left Off in the EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by Andrew: a van in Seattle for Brown Town Electrical:

Hey, take the carpool lane and then pull the van over. I need to go to Brown Town.

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor

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We at Phillips, Craig & Dean have over 25 years of legal experience and also happen to have released a terrific CD of beloved gospel classics as well as some originals. So if you need money fast and also need to be filled with the joy of the Holy Spirit, call us at Phillips, Craig & Dean. We'll a-choir some damages for you!

I Apologize In Advance For This Post.

Spotted at a public building in Maplewood, NJ:

The phrase "Mechanical Penthouse" made me think of this:

 

Upcoming Movies Based on the Denim Styles Poster at Old Navy

Hollywood's biggest studios have an IP problem. Every character, franchise and script has been scooped up and turned into either a blockbuster or a moderately popular Netflix show. So all original content is now desperately sought after by Sony, Paramount, Disney, and Universal. As a result, a bidding war has broken out over the latest hot property: the Denim poster at Old Navy.

Here now are the latest greenlit projects based on parts of this poster:

"OG Loose" is the story of two unemployed female rodeo workers in rural Iowa (Melissa Benoist and ZaweAshton) who discover an underground bunker full of fentanyl and decide to ride the cyclone to RICHES. Directed by Jon M. Chu. Also starring Haley Joel Osment as the crooked DEA agent pursuing them.

"Slouchy Straight" starring Dev Patel and Ryan Gosling

Two dumb slackers who just got out of prison meet a mysterious tech genius (David Hyde Pierce) who implants a "genius" microchip in their brains to help them become successful entrepreneurs. When they get too successful, their benefactor hits the "kill switch" and hilarity ensues.

"Barrel" directed by James Gunn

Pop singer Crate (Adria Arjona) cheats on her partner Barrel (Timothée Chalamet), and he decides to go solo in a different musical direction. Mixing dubstep with hip hop and traditional folk music, Barrel becomes the biggest star on NPR. He hits 16 trillion Spotify streams and earns a cool $400 from it!

Lawsuits Incoming

Spotted on Facebook, some bizarre AI-generated ads for Christmas ornaments that are concerning for several reasons:

a) The flagrant copyright violations

b) the obsession with butts

c) the fact that boomers will absolutely send money for this scam

UAG