Friday, October 2, 2020

Back After a Six (!) Year Hiatus: CSI EADJ

(Previous CSI: EADJ entries can be found here.)


The forensic team at EADJ is well-rested and finally back to tackle unsolved cases after having observed some of the garbage and junk of New York and New Jersey to reconstruct what they think happened:

CASE 38842:
Location: Newark Airport


Conclusion: a traveling gorilla, desperate to catch his only flight home to the Congo Basin, leaves his lunch behind in a mad dash to get through security. He neglects to tip the Uber driver.

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CASE 38843:
Location: Union, NJ





Evidence: a car parked on what appears to be either a giant yellow macaroon or a plush emoji with the letters "RDAY" on it, surrounded by an empty dime bag and a used lipstick.

Conclusion: After a fun SatuRDAY at a carnival, a female drug user is too distracted and gets run over by a car that was parallel parking.

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CASE 38844:
Location: Vauxhall, NJ






Evidence: what appears to be a large bag of carefully sliced tomatoes suddenly abandoned or violently thrown to the ground. 

Conclusion: A new employee at Subway wants to impress his new bosses by spending all night slicing tomatoes to perfection, only to be greeted by them the next morning with a mop.

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CASE 38845:
Location: Preble, NY




Evidence: a pair of filthy, abandoned Ugg boots and a bottle of Corona in a paper bag

Conclusion: encouraged by the advertisement to "Find Your Beach", a drunk coed imagines herself at a lagoon in Fiji with a breathtaking view when in fact it was just an onramp to Highway 81.

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