Happy New Year From Eat A Dick Joel!

Gamepad Terrier is looking forward to a year where he can possibly maybe meet with friends again!

Charging Cord says good riddance to a miserable 2020.

Pastry Box has gotten sloppy drunk already. BRING ON 2021!1!!!

EADJ: Where Are They Now? Entry 3

Previous "Where Are They Now?" segments here and here.

Her star guest turn on Netflix's "Fuller House" turned Portabella Jerky into a household name among people with terrible TV tastes. She parlay her newfound fame into a hosting job at "Hollywood Insider" and on "New Zealand's Got Talent". She currently lives in Montana with her two husbands and three horses.

Few mystery novel lovers had heard of Hexchasty Buttons until last year. Now after topping the New York Times Bestseller Mystery Novel list for 30 consecutive weeks, it's hard not to come across the prolific but enigmatic writer's name. Buttons's novels are a throwback to classic Agatha Christie but with a new twist of social equality themes and 90's hip hop lingo. Rumor has it both Netflix and Hulu are interested in translating Buttons's novels into a miniseries, but Hexchasty has yet to return their calls.

"Immell Chippewa is not a name. It is a way of life." Such was our intro in May to the teachings, the simplicity, and the irresistible draw of Immell Chippewa's new age ministries. By promising an easier way to navigate through life's hardships, Immell Chippewa has shown us that if we drop all our troubles, give all of our money to him, and blindly follow his teachings, our lives will be simpler, happier, and more fulfilling, now that he will do all the thinking for us. ALL HAIL IMMELL CHIPPEWA!

The ProofrEADJer: End O' Year Edition

I'm A Strawberry Scooter Crunch, And I'm Here To Tell You Everything's Going To Be Okay

Wassup bitches? I'm sure you've got a lot on your mind lately– your job, your credit card debt, the pandemic of course. But I'm here to bring you comfort and a small soupçon of happiness, because I am a fuckin Strawberry Scooter Crunch.

But, oh, you have bigger problems than a prepackaged ice cream snack can provide? You have to meet with your parole officer who told you on the phone that he doesn't have good news for you? Some family members of yours have joined a doomsday cult and won't stop aggressively trying to recruit you? Your body odor is so out of control that you have to see a Belgian specialist? Well, I never promised that I could solve any major crises in your life. Only a temporary respite from what may be getting you down. I am only a Strawberry Scooter Crunch.

From the delicious crunchy outer layer (made up of... what is this- crumbled cookies?) to the sweet multilayered vanilla-and-strawberry ice cream center, I am the perfect distraction from the fact that the new house you bought was built over a cursed execution site or that your favorite baseball player has gotten the yips.

And long after you've finished me and chucked the popsicle stick, the memory of even having enjoyed me can comfort you as you wait in line at the DMV, get dumped by your therapist or gamble your kids' inheritance at the blackjack table. Salut!

Merry Christmas 2020 From EADJ

From all of us at Eat A Dick Joel- from the editorial staff, the fact checkers, the proofrEADJers, the photographers, the science desk, the illustrators and cartoonists, the local correspondents, the city hall desk, the publishers, printers, paper suppliers, distributors, paper boys and classified desk- Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. We appreciate you for somehow continuing to read this publication.

Here's the "Sharks of the Corn" Trailer We Never Promised You

They forgot to add a "Shot on iPhone" caption at the end.

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

More unsolicited mixtape cover commentary:

This looks like a very expensive limited edition vinyl figurine that you never take out of the box.

This looks like an art project at a halfway house.

Somehow they managed to make Bratz Dolls even sluttier.

This looks like either an unreasonable deadline or minimum effort.

At 50, you'd think I'd be too old to make a Lady Dimitrescu reference. And you'd be right.

That mural at the Canadian Western bar is coming along.

This looks like a very expensive limited edition Playskool Playmobil set that you never take out of the box.

   

I've programmed my audio player to skip a track made by anyone named "Lil".

"My cousin's pretty good at Photoshop, Nicki. It'll look great."

I can't tell if this is a thoughtful study of greed and mortality or just an airbrushed mural on the side of a carnival ride.

I love this. Probably because I lived in Chicago during their Jordan/Pippen/Rodman dynastic period.

It's Time To Say Goodbye To The Shit Marketers Want You To Say Goodbye To, Part ∞

Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye!

Today We Ask Skeletor If He Feels Like An Asshole In That Thing, Part 2

 Skeletor, do you feel like an asshole in that thing?

Another Shitty Shark Movie Joins The Ranks

You've seen sharks in tornados. Sharks in lava. Sharks in the snow. Introducing, SHARKS OF THE CORN!

Also, Steven Kang. LOL

Stay tuned for some crappy taglines just begging to be written for this. Also, admire the detail in this artwork:

More Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Watched

"I am your new girl friend? We go to brunch?" (next 1.5 hours spent debating on where to go)

"Good evening, my fellow kink-shamed hentai furries– a reading from the Book of John Waters."

"Dying is another $10/hr."

(translated from the German) "You are a bold boy, Jim Knopf. And that is not just because you realize since this is a children's movie that you are never in any real danger."

"We got women here, guys. There's no need to touch swords!"

"All o' you ladies are fine, fine, fine. It's a shame I gotta cut you to separate the wheat from the chizzle."

UAG

The ProofrEADJer: Mid-December Edition

 

Sing Along, Now