More Info Wars Conspiracies In Development

Alex Jones's band of talented conspiracy writers work 'round the clock to give you the freshest, most mooseshit right-wing theories on "Info Wars." Here are just a few of those items that Alex plans to squeeze out his mouth hole next week:

• If you don't say "amen" after saying grace at dinner, Planned Parenthood opens another clinic.

• Apple's Siri is actually an ISIS operative. Think about it– they use the SAME EXACT LETTERS

• Fresh guacamole is made from illegal immigrant women's tears, which is why it is so goddamned DELICIOUS Y'ALL

• Hillary Clinton is a T-800 model Terminator sent from the past to kill Donald Trump Jr. before he can father more Trumps. Luckily, she failed and is awaiting decommissioning.

• The X-Men movie series are coded with frequencies to hypnotizing you into forgetting that your life is a series of disappointing failures and missteps and that you should probably stop spreading hate to cover up your personal failures.

• Anal warts was originally created in a lab by Democrats to reduce the size of the voting population so that only uninfected could pick the next President. Clearly this backfired, and the anal-warted almost elected another Obama-type in 2016. WE MUST REMAIN STRONG!

The Noble Gas Answers To Yesterday's "Which Can, Erickson?"

How'd you do?

1 correct: Keep your job at Toys Я Us

2 correct: You're not the fastest lathe in the workshop

3 correct: You can leave the house, but only with your sister

4 correct: Bragging rights if you're not embarrassed about being good at this

5 correct: That's impossible. How'd you do that?!

6 correct: You're either lucky or you looked over my shoulder when I made this

It's Somehow Time Once Again To Play "Which Can, Erickson?"

Match the unknown toilets above with their respective location below, indicated by noble gas:

HELIUM: Broadway Comedy Club, NYC

NEON: Purple Parrot Grill, Rehoboth Beach, Delaware

ARGON: Holy Cross Hospital, Silver Spring, MD

KRYPTON: Pavilion Arcade, Point Pleasant, NJ

XENON: The Green Mill, Chicago

RADON: Legoland, Detroit

Did you know? Noble gases have a full outer electron shell which makes these elements non-reactive.

Answers will appear tomorrow!

The Wise Man Knows That It Is Better To Sit On the Banks of a Remote Mountain Stream Than To Be Emperor of the Whole Pathmark.

More Conspiracies To Come From Info Wars, Dumb Paranoiac Headquarters

Between shotgunning beers and shotgunning stray possum in their trailer park common area, Info Wars viewers love to tune into Alex Jones' program for the latest worldview that confirms their stupid beliefs. Here are a few that they don't have to wait next week for:

• The Presidents of the Men's Wearhouse and the Hair Club For Men were not ousted from their respective companies. Instead, they were actually gay lovers that absconded to Lima, Peru to get married and cover each other in cheap suits and hair plugs.

• Fire sprinklers in buildings built since 1995 actually spray disinfectant that only kills white people, and office fires are usually started these days by Arabs.

• Burger King adds a hidden "Netflix" tax of .03¢ to every purchase. The money is then funneled into a fund that pays for Kamaal's monthly Netflix subscription. Kamaal is an employee.

• Nautilus machines in gyms turn you gay by forcing you to work out in compromising "homosexual" poses. That's why you should stick to free weights. Those are totally not gay.

• A promise earned is a promise kept. Or is it a promise kept is a customer earned? A promise given is a customer kept? I forget. Either way, Jews are out to get you.

• The new Han Solo movie is unnecessary in telling the Star Wars story. Worse yet, it keeps showing aliens incorporated into society as equals to white people, which liberal Hollywood loves to push down kids' throats. GREEDO IS BLACK!

UAG

Smecial Dreams Entry

And this after the death of Stephen Hawking:

New EADJ Segment: Mister Salty Speaks

In an effort to bring fresh thinking into this tired, unfunny blog, occasionally we'll test drive a new segment to see if it sticks. Here's a new one: MISTER SALTY SPEAKS:

He's a sailor. He's salty. Why wouldn't he speak this way?

UAG

The ProofrEADJer: Mid-April Edition

And for shame, CNN:

More Dipshit Info Wars Conspiracies

If you watch Info Wars regularly–and if you do, God help you–you may discover that the garbage Alex Jones pukes out his hate hole doesn't change during the week. That's because an entire staff of writers are still busy cooking up next week's batch of irrational right-wing bullshit. But here now is an exclusive preview of next weeek's Info Wars talking points:

• Ted Nugent had recorded a song with Santana for his 1999 album "Supernatural" but was dropped because of his Christian and political beliefs. And two years later, 9/11 happened.

• Whenever someone uses the word "causeway," Bill Cosby receives a $5 royalty and rapes another white woman brought to him by attorney Gloria Allred.

• Words With Friends tracks the movements of Gentiles worldwide and adds them to a secret Jewish database on the planet XVIQXSH (36 points).

• Pigeons are liberal operatives who poop on Confederate statues to mark them for removal. Don'e believe me? Ask your science teacher!

• The children's game "Duck Duck Goose" was invented by Josef Stalin to perpetuate forced collectivism of the working class and to let them know "their place."

• Lesbians don't actually sleep. They simply charge their gay batteries by watching episodes of "Steven Universe."

More Underused Hashtags, Presidential Edition

Don't hold your breath looking for these in 45's tweet storms:

#blessed

#TEDTalk

#fucktheNRA

#ilovemywife

#nomoregolfing

#eatinghealthy

#blacklivesmatter

#globalwarming

#iapologizetorosieodonnell

#iapologizetohillaryclinton

#iapologizetoanyoneingeneral

#maybeIshoulddosomethingtohelppeopleforonce

#iamirredeemablehumangarbageandhavemadetheworldworsefrommyveryexistence

The ProofrEADJer: Tuesday Edition

 

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