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Lobsterfest has become less of a temporary promotion and more of a cultural phenomenon. People refuse to leave the restaurant grounds, often setting up camp in the grassy island in the parking lot and tanning the hides of deer that they've hunted on the highway. To not anger them any further, we have decided to announce all new ways for them to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster. Here are the latest:



• We literally soak everyone in butter in a special tub at the entrance in advance. Then when they eat lobster at their table, they don't have to dip their meat into any pesky butter dishes. The butter soaking their clothes will also act as a constant reminder that they are welcome to come back anytime to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest™ At Red Lobster. Which we hope the fuck works.

• Lobster bibs? No, we are talking lobster mumus! And wheelbarrows full of lobster! And a punchbowl full of macaroons! What diet, bitch? That's a totally valid way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster. DON'T JUDGE ME.

• Okay, bear with me now, but what if we *didn't* serve lobster? What if instead of lobster we served hummus and pita bread, with a large pan of delicious crudité made from bell peppers, carrot sticks, and broccoli? I know it sounds crazy, but goddamn, that would be tasty, cause Carla and I are really sick of eating lobster. Please, just this once can we enjoy something else for Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster?

• We boil our lobsters in basins shaped like your head, so it looks like your ideas are boiling over! All your friends will compliment you on your fertile imagination and girls will stop looking at you like you just raped their grandma. Now that there there is one heckuva way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest™ at Red Lobster!

• We name four of our lobsters Ringo, John, Paul, and George. We dress them in those colorful Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band uniforms and lower them slowly into boiling water, right when they start on "Lovely Rita" on the second side of the album, which for my money is the worst song on there, anyway. Is that really another way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest™ at Red Lobster? No.

• ¿Bien, el oso conmigo ahora, pero lo que si nosotros *hizo no* sirve langosta? ¿Qué si en vez de langosta nosotros servimos paté de garbanzos y pita pan, con una cacerola grande de crudité delicioso hizo de pimientos, de palos de zanahoria, y del brécol? Sé que suena loco, pero maldito, eso sería sabroso, la causa Carla y yo están realmente enfermos de comer langosta. ¿Por favor, podemos esta vez nada más nosotros disfrutamos de algo más para Lobsterfest® en Langosta Roja?

• How 'bout I get a two by four and whoop some serious ass up in this motherfucker. How 'bout that shit. Another way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster.