EADJ Presents "Ask Dr. Fish"

Dear Dr. Fish,

I have recently been on lots of airplanes (four times in as many months) and I have had severe headaches when were coming in to land. I feel a fizzing on my scalp and an unbearable pressure sensation in my head as if something is going to burst. It is almost unbearable. I do a lot of traveling with my job and it has put me off going on airplanes. Can you help?

Margie in Milwaukee


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Dear Margie in Milwaukee,

Thanks for your letter. Unfortunately, I know nothing about how to treat anything involving the ear, nose or throat. It's mainly because I am a fish. Sorry I couldn't be of more help.

Dr. Fish



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Dear Dr. Fish,

I have very dark circles under my eyes and someone recently told me that it may have something to do with my kidneys, as I've had kidney problems in the past. I'm worried that there may be an underlying problem. Is it true that they could be linked, and should I see a doctor to have any particular tests performed to rule out any kidney problems out? I don't suffer from any sleep deprivation at all, so it's not through lack of sleep, but it's so bad now that people think that I have constant black eyes!

Raccooned


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Dear Raccooned,

Jesus. That sucks. I'm sorry to hear about the dark circles around your eyes. I've never heard of that. Mainly because I am a fish and have no medical training whatsoever. So that means I know absolutely nothing about kidney problems or anything remotely renal-related. It's because I am a FISH. Kidney problems can affect the color around your eyes? Really? Wow, that's news to me. Huh. Hope that was of some help to you. Good luck.

Dr. Fish


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Dear Dr. Fish,

Last week when you answered my question about the high urea reading in my blood, I took your advice and "didn't worry about it" until last Sunday, when I was rushed to the hospital because one of my kidneys was failing. I've been experiencing a lot of pain since your misdiagnosis, and I just wanted to say FUCK YOU for wasting my time and forcing me to undergo this excruciating agony. FUCK YOU, DR. FISH.

Angry Gladys


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Dear Gladys,

No, FUCK YOU for listening to me. I have always made it clear that I am not a medical professional– that first and foremost I AM A FUCKING FISH. I don't even know why I have an advice column named "Ask Dr. Fish." It all was a goof when I put on the stethoscope and started calling myself a doctor. This is a misunderstanding that has seriously spiraled out of control. My buddy Georgie told me that this would all come back to bite me, and I gotta say, Georgie was right. I'm a fish and I don't need this shit. FUCK YOU GLADYS and your fucking failing kidney. FUCK YOU.

Dr. Fish