Click It Or Ticket!

Law enforcement agencies throughout the country will be cracking down on unbuckled motorists and their passengers as part of the annual “Click It or Ticket” campaign. The catchy campaign has been very successful for the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration; last year, the seatbelt usage rate in New Jersey alone rose for the 13th consecutive year. As a result, government agencies are scrambling to replicate this program's success. Here are just a few of the newly-proposed efforts:

"Wicket or Picket"


The U.S. Department of The Treasury has suggested that due to a flagging economy, people should invest their money in either buying a home (thus the "picket fence")– which will be guaranteed to appreciate over time– or in providing or caring for Wicket W. Warrick, a curious, adventurous Ewok from the forest moon of Endor. Young Wicket will teach Americans about living in concert with the environment, saving money by recycling, and battling gigantic two-legged Imperial scout walkers with logs and rope. Logs and rope.

"Frigate or Stick It"


How will chartering a three-mast, 18th Century warship help school kids? The U.S. Department of Education says by forcing them to work as a team to rig the masts, load and fire the 28 carriage-mounted guns, and maintain and clean the crew's quarters on the "berth deck." Those kids too weak or unwilling to live and die on the high seas can alternately watch the 2006 MTV-funded gymnastics movie "Stick It," which teaches the exact same lessons.

"Limpet or Tikrit"


The U.S. Department of Transportation has suggested that every citizen rent and watch the 1964 Don Knotts comedy "The Incredible Mr. Limpet," wherein mildmannered Henry Limpet experiences his fondest wish of being transformed into a fish and assists the US Navy in hunting German submarines during World War II. This program, they say, will encourage good citizenry and even get more people to enlist for the military to be deployed to Tikrit, Iraq. Critics of this controversial recruitment program are quick to point out that Tikrit is actually pronounced tik-REET.

"Quick Chek or Briquette"


Actually, I'm fresh out of ideas now. Nothing to read here. I'm surprised you made it this far. This entire entry was pure bullshit. So, congratulations, you outlasted me. Dick.