It's week fourteen of Red Lobster's exciting and delicious Lobsterfest lobster extravaganza celebration, and Red Lobster is offering great new ways for you to enjoy lobster during this limited time! Try these scrumptious new offerings:
• We hire movie actor Chris Evans to boil and prepare a perfect plate of steaming lobster for you. Although he'll never leave our kitchen to meet you, you'll delight in knowing that the lobster you're eating has been prepared by none other than The Human Torch from the most recent "Fantastic Four" movies! It's just one more way for you to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest at Red Lobster!
• We steal tiles from your Scrabble board game set at home and mix them in with some raw ground beef and glitter, then we dress up as a postal worker and feed your dog the ground beef/glitter mixture. Your dog eats it up, and when you get home, it takes a big dump on the living room floor, and the Scrabble tiles in its poop spell out "LOBSTERFEST." Now that's a great way for you to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest at Red Lobster!
• Our entire restaurant gets filled to the ceiling with live lobsters. We make an arrangement with your employer to print out and drop your next paycheck into the middle of the restaurant. You have to strip naked and must wade through all the snapping, live lobsters to get your paycheck. As you make your desperate way through the lobster gauntlet, the lobsters continue to snap and pinch your nether region and genitalia, and you realize that the lobsters' snapping claws have grown from agonizing to somehow erotic. What a great way for you to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest at Red Lobster!
• You get kidnapped and wake up in an abandoned warehouse. Just another way for you to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest at Red Lobster!
• We enroll in a pottery class with you. During the lessons, we chat about our personal lives and generally not pay attention, which irks you to no end. So when it's time for us to start "throwing" or "firing" a piece of nice pottery, we have no idea how to do it, and that makes you very angry. When you get really red, we hold a mirror up to your face, and you realize you look just like a lobster! We then dunk your head into a bucket of melted butter to top off the hilarity. It's another fantastic way for you to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest at Red Lobster!
• We go to a strip club wearing sweatpants so that the strippers can feel our erections. Then when they get creeped out, we loudly remind them that we paid them a fucking hundo and they best get to grindin'. Plus you get to eat some Maine lobster tail, steamed snow crab legs, garlic shrimp scampi or some bullshit. Just another way for you to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest at Red Lobster!
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