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An overnight snowstorm bringing up to 14" of snow has caused the offices of EADJ to close today. Please stand by while we shovel the entrance and make our way back into our blogging headquarters.

This Just In (Joel's Mouth)

Reid tries to get Joel to say the word "dick."

Overheard Outside the Whitney Museum of Modern Art

"Hey, you like art? You paying big bucks to look at the art in theah? Well, look at this art, right heah. You can take this shit home right now. Not like them Picassos and Rembrandts and shit. You can take one o' these African masks or whatever and hang that shit on your wall tonight, son.

"You don't like the scary voodoo masks? Well, check this shit out, then: authentic African shields! You can hang this on your wall, or lay it out on your table. Hell, you can even use it like a real shield when you're in the middle of a riot when the Mets win and shit.

"Yeah, I know. I'm peddling historical replicas of a very specific culture outside essentially a modern art museum that focuses more on contemporary art from their private collections in small, focused galleries. But fuck it, you know?"

UAG

Smecial Mostly Andrew Dreams Entry

Spotted At Barnes & Noble

Why am I typing. Do I even need to add any text to this. No. The photo says it all. It is hilarious enough. Typing anything to accompany the photo would only detract from its perfection, its beauty. Its utter hilarious, head-shaking horribleness. And the ongoing horrible, horrible trend that's happening in movies and bookstores, thanks to millions of teenyboppers: publishers are cranking out crap novellas catering to that exact audience. And inevitably, these ripoffs of that terrible book to begin with will be even terrible-er.

Oh, did you notice the cover artwork on the books. Yeah, I thought you would. Totally emo, sensitive dude. It looks like either variant covers- or a more terrifying possibility- an entire series of shitty vampire teen novellas. Which means if they sell well, you'll soon be seeing trailers for the movies based on these terrible novellas in theatres soon. Starring terrible Robert Pattinson clones playing sensitive teenage vampires who somehow walk around in the daylight.

Vampires. It's an entire genre now at the bookstore. These things will breed like mushrooms, and there is nothing you can do to stop it. Man.

EADJ ProofrEADJer, February Edition

(This one submitted by Tom Weingard:)

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto With How To Calm A Cat In Heat

Grab your cat in heat and place it on your lap with its hind quarters readily accessible. Chances are the cat will freely offer them– if not the first time this procedure is followed, then certainly each time afterward. Insert a Q-tip into the cat's vagina. It will be exposed and puffy. Do not insert the Q-tip into the other orifice. Either way the cat will begin to scream, but there is a subtle and audible difference in the scream of satisfaction and the scream of rectal pain. Experiment a little until you can distinguish the two.

Move the Q-tip in and out of the cat's vagina slowly at first, then more rapidly. No need to be gentle, no matter what you do with the Q-tip (it beats a barbed cat penis digging around in there!).

You are finished when the cat is finished. You will know when the cat is finished because it will either begin immediately to have a cat orgasm, or it will run away with the Q-tip sticking out of its ass. If this happens let it calm down before attempting to retrieve your Q-tip.

And speaking of orgasms, when riding in my town car, keep it down and use the tissue box. And if I see a used condom between the cushions, I'm charging you double for cleaning the interior. It's in the contract.

AAA Flyer I Got In The Mail

(Click to enlarge)

Happy Presidents Day (3 Days Late) From EADJ!

I can't believe we forgot Presidents Day this year. It's been such a hallowed tradition. When is it, again?

This Week In Informative Religious Subway Tracts

The New York subway system offers plenty of opportunities to both urinate and read. Religious-types know this latter fact well and use the new-fangled practice of "printing" to urge random strangers to change their personal religious beliefs to match their own. Here are two that we recently came across:

1) Mrs. Taylor's Big Bag of Hybrid Voodoo/Jesus Crotchcrockery

(Click to enlarge and read)


"Mrs. Taylor and she says..." begins this flyer. Apparently we've walked in on someone in the middle of the sentence. How rude of us.



Mrs. Taylor has somehow mixed in greed, religiosity and belief in the occult to a cheesy flyer for her psychic services. So I guess this doesn't really qualify as a religious tract, per se.




2) The Anti-UPC Scanner Urgency Manifesto

(Click to enlarge and read)


As many conspiracy theories go, this flyer goes on and on. Basically, it warns you to resist barcodes of any kind, because the number 666 will be on a bar code, and Satan will come get you, etc. etc.


The fact is, Satan WILL get you. But why single out barcode technology as the gateway to his dark reign? Because it's new and scary? Well, the fact is barcodes have been in common use since the 1960s.


No, the reason why this flyer says it's evil is because it's so universal. "Today, leading-edge biometric technologies include fingerprint readers, hand-geometry machines, retinal readers, voice recognition systems, signature dynamics, and a myriad of others." Universal systems of identification are inherently EVIL because their existence sort of kind of matches up with a Bible verse:

"And he causeth all, both great and small, rich and poor, free and bond, to receive a mark in their right hand, or in their foreheads...Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast; for it is the number of a man: and his number is Six hundred three-score and six." (Revelations 13:16-18)

So, anything universal that helps organize or catalog people, like say a ZIP code, or social security number is laying the groundwork for the Devil's hoary kingdom. And any system that marks your head or right hand is also suspect. So another reason to avoid dance clubs than just the ridiculous cover.




tl;dr: You should NOT get a barcode on your right hand or forehead. Because you will go to Hell. So don't.




Bonus: Zazzle tshirt wingding conspiracy pigfuck

NY vs NJ

Since moving to Maplewood, NJ from Brooklyn, NY this EADJ reporter has noticed some serious cultural differences between the two fine cities.

Tools in Brooklyn:


Tools in Maplewood:



Garbage in Maplewood:


Garbage in Brooklyn:


Cart in Brooklyn:


Cart in Maplewood:


Wildlife in Maplewood:


Wildlife in Brooklyn:



A note in Maplewood:


A note in Brooklyn:

Think Quick!

A fellow patron at your local TGI Friday's is choking to death and has collapsed! With only minutes to spare you must use whatever's available hanging on the walls to save them! Do you:

• Fan the victim using the 'Haunted House' sign!

• Use the plastic musical notes under their neck to clear air passages!

• Inflate the Yoda latex mask and use it to resuscitate the victim!

• Oh, look. An old photo of Joe Namath when he played for the New York Jets! That's actually a '12' on his sleeve instead of just a '2.' He used to be called "Broadway Joe," you know.

• Yes, that's a picture disc of Gary Numan on that turntable. See, back in my day, most of the singles came on 12" vinyl, so you'd see more of that at the local clubs. Jesus, where's our Sesame Jack Chicken Strips? I ordered Sesame Jack Chicken Strips.

You Procrastinating Fuckers!

(Pictured above, some people waiting until the last minute to be thoughtful to whoever they happen to be with at the time.)

Possibly The Worst Idea Ever

"Hello, honey? You know how you sent me to that Victoria's Secret 'Men's Night Out' shopping event to get you something nice and sexy to wear for Valentine's? Well, I went and spent over $60, so I got VIP access to meet two of the hottest supermodels on the planet– Adriana Lima and Doutzen Kroes– and well, long story short, this is Adriana. I told her you could sleep on the fold-a-bed."

Excellent YouTube Comment O' More Than a Fortnight

From the "Treadmobile" YouTube page featuring a ridiculous running treadmill you're supposed to use on the street, a comment by saltima:

"when will we see the stationary bike version of this?"

A Word On "Salad"

I don't know which fuckers to blame, but thanks to overgeneralizing and brazen misuse, the definition of the word "salad" has been stretched to point of uselessness. Here are some prime examples of what I'm talking about:

• Potato salad. Is it sliced and lightly seasoned potatoes in a bed of crisp lettuce? No, it's a bunch of yellow potato chunks swimming in yellow nasty mayonnaise. Usually shipped in a white bucket and served from a big metal spoon with a big, wet slap onto your plate or cafeteria tray. It's essentially the middle finger in a more viscous form.

• Chicken salad. Chopped or cubed chicken breast on a bed of crisp lettuce? No, actually it's shredded chicken parts mixed with celery(!) bits and pounded into a thick paste with mayonnaise and despair. Often eaten between two confused pieces of bread. Tuna salad is in the same boat here.

• Egg salad. Yum, slices of hard-boiled egg whites on a bed of crisp lettuce! No, wait. Actually, somebody put the yellow-and-nasty treatment on it– just like potato salad– and added something thicker to the mayonnaise, so that it clumps even more and can't ooze when sitting in the sandwich vending machine for a month.


• Marshmallow salad. Oh dear shit, this one is a doozy. First of all, marshmallows have no business being anywhere near the word "salad" to begin with, so there's no way sliced marshmallows would ever be on a bed of crisp lettuce. But some fat woman got the idea of taking CANNED FRUIT and mixing it with marshmallows, Jello, and cream cheese and chilling it. I'm not sure if this is intended as a side dish or a dessert, but Jesus help me if anyone would consider that a "salad." Just say goodbye to both your feet to type 2 diabetes if you eat that.

• Fruit salad. Fresh sliced fruit on a crisp bed of lettuce? No, a bunch of shitty pears and cherries chopped up and canned in sugary syrup. Fuck your mother.

• Macaroni salad. Is that mayonnaise again?

**Editor's note: The following YouTube clip was posted before on EADJ, so you don't have to watch. But we thought it was relevant to the piece.



• Seafood salad. Fresh cut crabmeat and shrimp on a crisp bed of lettuce? Who are we kidding at this point?

• Pasta salad. Haahahahaaaha. Good one.


I think the main culprit in most of this is mayonnaise. I love some mayo on a sandwich like the next guy, but to start pouring jars of it into a bowl and passing it off as some nasty dish that no one wants at the potluck is fucking vile. Everybody, stop it.

Horrible.

Pictured above, someone in New York questions the Dog Whisper Cesar Millan's sexual preferences.