A Letter From the Management at the Hotel California

Editor's Note: This entry was co-written by JOEL HIMSELF



Mr. Don Henley
629 Fast Lane, Apt. 2R
Hollywood, CA

Dear Mr. Henley:

It has come to my attention that your recent visit to The Hotel California and the incident that followed has been made public. As head manager of the Santa Barbara Hotel Group, which owns and runs The Hotel California, I feel it my duty to clarify what I believe has been a gross misunderstanding and to clear my hotel's name.

First of all, our hotel staff reported that you had clearly been drinking and were interrupting what was booked as a private function for our Platinum Club members. You yourself had described to our valet Barney that your "head was heavy" and your sight had grown "dim."

You claim that you were visiting one of our hotel guests, but our records do not indicate a single female guest. Many of the patrons in the Tomba Room did notice you enter from the corridor with a woman holding a candle (which is not permitted), but they had just assumed she had come from the mission next door, seeing as she was not wearing shoes (which is also not permitted). We at the hotel take no responsibility for your female friend and have been recently vindicated in the courts regarding the suspicious "room theft" of her Tiffany jewelry; Her credibility was decimated with the revelation that her own Mercedes was a stolen vehicle.

Our wait staff reported that you started dancing with our patrons and sweating all over them. This is completely unacceptable. And your claims that everyone was gathered for some type of Satanic beast-eating ritual is absurd. It was "Prime Rib" night. And contrary to your (drug-infused?) assertion, the beef roast was most certainly dead. If it did move at all, it was probably our server Debargo shifting the meat forward on the cutting board. He witnessed you pocketing four of our cutlery knives, by the way.

With regards to the "kidnapping" claim– that we held you here against your will– you simply thought you were trapped here. The truth is, our night man was trying to steer you away from an alarmed emergency fire exit. He distinctly remembered saying, "You can check out anytime you like through the front desk, but you can never leave from that door unless it's an emergency."

The point is that I cannot allow you to continue to sully the reputation of this luxury hotel and spa when you were clearly in the wrong. Please accept this coupon for a free visit to our spa for a colitas bath and body gel treatment as an offer to experience our hotel with a clearer head.

However, if you do continue to spread lies about our hotel, we will have no choice but to release the security footage of you defecating in the freight elevator.


Sincerely,

Louis Cypher
General Manager, Hotel California
Santa Barbara Hotel Group, Inc.