Concrete Was Scared By A Goose.

Concrete was scared by a goose.


Manhole cap did nothing to help him.


Potpourri burner was appalled.


Elevator corner was angry.


Hand dryer didn't give a shit.


Dog sweater didn't understand what the big deal was.


Slippers yelled at him for not being brave enough.


Loaf of bread fell asleep.


Then next thing you know, concrete got scared by a crane.

An Open Letter To "That Guy" On the Subway

Dude,

What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you SO tired from shopping at the M&M Store that you just have to lean your whole body on the pole? Now the rest of us standing on the train have to "surf" when the train moves or have to put our hands against the ceiling like goddam Spider-Man because your indolent ass thinks you found a "seat."

And as if that pole isn't dirty enough, you have to fit it between your butt cheeks, too? Some midget's hands are going to smell like your asshole now. Think about that.

Fuck your mother!

EADJ

A Program Note

Since starting this stupid blog in 2006, through multiple job changes, a wedding, the birth of a child, and the cancellation of "Heroes," I have seen fit to consistently post every single weekday -even through holidays- without fail. That is, until yesterday, when Blogger dropped the ball and kept me from posting something for Thursday and Friday.


But it's back live. So as you were.

Look At This Asshole.

Just look at her. Walking down stairs while on her phone. You're gonna break your neck that way, lady. Can't you wait till the bottom of the stairs before checking your email? What an asshole.

Sent from my iPhone

An Answer

A Fitness Ball Tries To Explain Its Complex Sexual Relationships

"Yeah, me and Callie. It's complicated. We're like, there for each other if we need a quick fuck without any emotional drama. Yeah, it's a bit childish, but I think we're both mature enough to actually pull it off. She does get a little demanding with the sexual favors, and if you asked me with a gun to my head, I'd say she's a little more into it than I am. I'm not trying to be a dick about it– I think Callie's great and all. I just want this arrangement to stay as it is without becoming work. She has a great body, by the way. Holds me between her feet like she means it. I can respect that."


"Oh, Lamar, Lamar, Lamar. How do I even define what we have? God, it's like a perfect blend of buddy-you-can-drink-with and hot-sexual-male-meat-that-I-have-to-drill-like-an-Alaskan-well. I don't want to romanticize what he and I have, but it's like he's a lieutenant in an army, and I'm a three star general that loves to just put him in his place. There's a definite tension between us, and I would even say there's more than physical attraction. He puts me under his knees and rolls me around like I was made for him. I think it's awesome. Lamar's stopping by later after work– wow, I can't wait. I'm like a schoolgirl! Shut up!"

Deer Lord

Pictured below, the sweetest jacket I've ever spotted in church:



Only now do I realize how very Christian the Jagermeister logo really is.