Friggin' Priorities.

Spotted in a Sesame Street fire safety coloring book:

Despite burning clothes, fur and the possibility of third degree burns all over his flesh, Cookie Monster makes sure he does NOT drop his cookie.

Wait a minute. He didn't have cookies during "stop" and "drop," so where did that cookie come from?

UNSOLVED MYSTERIES

A Rear Entry

Submitted by Emily Kane via text at 7:38pm last night:

"SFVOSP!! Couldn't get frontal. Deal with it."

Although this does not earn Emily another Mollusk Award to accompany her Platinum Mollusk Award at the bottom of this page, she is commended for her late night diligence stalking the tunnels of her former employer, Unnamed Organization.

EADJ Pun Police: French Foreign Legion Edition

Faites attention! We are ze French Foreign Legion, and we are heeer to weeed out ze puns and punish zem for zheir crahmes! Heeeer we go!

"A Real Crowd Cheeser?" Horrifique! Zis offends me as a lover of words and as a Frenchman who love a good fromage! Quelle dommage!

(Stomps the label under his jackboot)

"Put Your Hams Together." Oh, Whole Foods, zis will not do! Your replacing a jambon to replace the word "hands" iz not clever du tout! I put you on notice!

(Rips poster down, buries it in the sand)

"And to all a good bite?" A second offense already? Non, non, non, non, non. Au revoir, Whole Foods!

(Turns entire wall of cannons towards Whole Foods, blows it to smithereens)

"Shops ahoy." Not a tres intelligent pun, non, Mademoiselle? That pun is very- how do you say- pedestrian! I made a joke! Ha ha ha! A better pun than what iz on her sac!

(Mounts his horse and drives the woman into the nearest Sephora store to take cover)

"Raise your Timperature." Non. English is not my language premiere, but inventing new words is not acceptable, even pour un foreigner comme mois. Dégoûtant!

(Stabs the poster with his bayonet, kicks entire display down)

"Februany?" I don't get it, Zubway.

(Ignores)

Observe closely at zis display, mes amis. Clique to enlarge. You will see zat every flavour of zese drinks are terrible puns: Mar-GO-rita, Daiq-GO-ri, and Piña-GO-lada. I have even zampled zese boissons and have found them worthy of ze puns terribles zat zey wear on zeir labels!

(Loads explosives onto drink display. Enjoys a fine red wine from a distant dune as the entire thing explodes.)

(Too many puns to name at one time)

Zis is from a Man de Bat livre comique. I have no idea who zis eyepatched woman is, either, but maybe zince zere is a Joker and a Riddler, maybe she is ze Punster?

Eizer way, she talks too much and I zink she should pay dearly for her crahmes.

(Sits her down and makes her watch 12 hours of French original programming on TV)

Twitter's Least Used Hash Tags, Week of February 3

Feast your eyes upon this latest offering of underused hash tags from yon Twittersphere. And feel welcome to use any of these on the end of your own Tweets that I shall never read:

#gameofthronesisstupid

#7shotsofcremedementhe

#proudmolester

#snortingspaghetti

#myanusisawonderland

#asiatheband

#timewarnercablelovelovelove

#offmymeds

#pootytang

#myparentsaretryingtheirbestwithme

#youreallyhavetowatchthewireitsonnetflix

#chinks

#gravypuddles

#mypersonalphonenumberis37894382

#havingtroubleshitting

#tweetingfromthebingoparlor

#webbedfootfetish

#cuntpunched

#soysaucerevolution

Spotted At A New Jersey Home Depot

Some dude says fuck it and waits for his girlfriend where he usually likes to sit at home.

Some Grossly Uninformed Movie Plot Summaries

I really need to broaden my horizons and learn Turkish or Tamil or Hindi or Farsi or something in order to understand this set of foreign (mostly Iranian) DVD covers. Until then, here are my best uneducated guesses what these foreign (mostly Iranian) flicks are about:

"Mustache Prison Camp"

This hilarious romp follows Ig, Thwel and Dorba as they try to break out of an Old Delhi prison camp by having one of them impersonate 1999 Internet sensation Mahir Cagri. "I kiss you!"

"Sitar Hero"

Enrique Sweaterwearer tries to break out of the shadow of his pop star father Julio Sweaterwearer and find his own voice, even finding love along the way. Featuring a cameo by Haskjdkjfskj Gajdijaidjjaidjijad.

"About Last Night Shyamalan"

A popular Indian director leaves Hollywood, USA to find his roots and steal some story ideas from some children in a meadow. Twist ending: he's actually Bangladeshi!

"Mission Impepperoni"

Seven average shlubs and one crazy sick incredibly HOT chick with gorgeous eyes try to start their own pizza delivery service using piano wire and some dick balloons. Almost all of them end up vomiting grape alphabet soup onto their shirts.

"Nova Zembla"

Charles Zembla searches the three seas of Holland to find his lost wife and confidante Nova. Once he finds her, he shares with her all the nasty things that his immediate supervisor Cory keeps saying about how his hair needs some product. Now in 3D and smell-o-vision.

"Glasses, Glasses, What?"

This four second short film from Iran features "the Iranian Ray Liotta" Mohsen Hasan running through an Iranian Pearle Vision Center and trying on two pairs of glasses and accidentally one pair of sunglasses. This film is not yet color corrected.

"Sigi Jloiji"

This Iranian version of "What About Bob?" features the Iranian Bill Murray pestering the Iranian Richard Dreyfuss as he tries to relax at his lakeside cabin. This version, however, is not a comedy and features some very serious discussion about personal privacy and Iranian Asperger's.

"Stare Until The Audience Blinks"

The wax busts of the Iranian Charlie Sheen and the Iranian Piers Morgan dare the theatre audience to blink before they do. The audience member that lasts the longest gets to have their wax bust created for the sequel, "Stare Until The Audience Blinks Again."

"Requirement Of Marriage"

All's fair in love and courtship as Aref Farhat attempts to land the girl of his dreams while avoiding the gold digging Kahar-dash'ian sisters. Will he save up enough money to start his own frozen yogurt kiosk?



"Who Farted?"

This multiple-ending film tracks the (bowel) movements of five poker players and through clever editing, reveals who farted in the elevator to the parking lot. Was it Farnoud the IT expert? Harun the crooked businessman? Labina the nurse and clay sculptor? Iraj the other fat one? Or Flo Rida (no relation) the woman who loves to eat dried peaches and fermented dates?

"Third Floor"

Two childhood friends comfort each other for winning all of their country's movie festivals but not getting into Sundance.

"F-----------|--E"

This movie is like "Fast and Furious" with motorcycles. Low on gas- a rare thing in a country with a fossil fuel based economy- Tam and Jake make money joining illegal underground motorcycle drift race competitions. Tam is afraid that Jake is only one bad stoppie away from losing it all.

"Breakable"

The impressive Photoshopped face of Ali Zibaei is so intense, he can smash through plate glass without closing his eyes. Yeah, boy, he's earned his popped collar.

"Princples"

Two elmenry schol teachrs discovr that the printr of all their schol's materiels got almost evry word wrong in the new texbooks. Throuh the help of spelcheck and a dictonary, they manage to corect almost every word in order to win a white 1998 Honda Feista.

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Seed A Pomegranate

Pomegranates. They're delicious, but eating one can be a pretty messy task. The juice can stain your clothes and even your countertops. Here's a handy guide on how to de-seed this tasty fruit:

1. Cut off the crown of the pomegranate.

2. Slice the rind in several places.

3. Soak the pomegranate in water.

4. Break the pomegranate apart with your hands.

5. Remove the rind and membranes with a spoon or sieve.

6. Remove the seeds from the bowl. Drain the seeds with a collander, and pat dry with a cloth.

And speaking of patting dry with a cloth, if I ever pick you up after having washed the limo, sometimes I forget and leave the cloth I polished the windows with in the back. Please don't blow your nose into it- it's filthy and I'll have to wash your snot out of it. Have a safe weekend, kids.