Aquarium Baby Float

Baby float. Baby float cuz baby want to float, not because some marketing team decided that baby needs to be introduced to water. Baby knows what water is, dumbasses– baby drinks that shit in formula all the fuckin' time.

And you know what? Baby float whether you install a new reinforced safety seat or not. Baby could give a shit. Safety seat is unnecessary precaution. We all gotta die someday. Baby float.

"Built-in aquarium?!" What the shit for? Baby already in water. Baby float in water with plenty to look at. Baby don't need to look INSIDE float to see water. Why the shit would baby want to do that? My First Corporation marketing team is fucked in the head.

Baby think the My First Corporation ad executives are starting to worry about their jobs due to lagging economy. Executives invent new dumb bullshit to justify their startlingly high paychecks- justify their long meetings and expensive lunches.

Listen, baby float. Baby only want float and baby don't appreciate gilding the lily. Gilding the float. Whatever. Baby don't need introduction to water, reinforced safety seat or built-in aquarium. Baby just need float.

Baby out.

What iOS That?

Pictured below, 16 apps on my phone, and I have no fucking clue what any of them do.

EADJ Surprising Hostility: Crushed Ice

Ah, crushed ice. You just totally suck, don't you?

I mean, you're ice, but you're not terribly useful; the instant I put you in a drink, you're already melted, so instead of rendering the drink colder and more refreshing, you've simply watered it down. Fucking awful.

And handling you is a pain in the ass, too. I can't just grab a few cubes. I have to grab that bitch-ass pewter scoop to grab a portion of you. I use the word "portion" because you even come in vague, unsatisfying amounts. And Lord knows that scoop is no good at containing you, because you always leave such a sloppy puddle on the floor or ground anyway. GOD, I HATE YOU!


What the fuck good are you, crushed ice? What, as an Italian ice or Sno-Cone? Good in theory, but essentially what that is is you being made more palatable with sugar water. You're just there for texture and temperature, and believe me, that's not a lot.


So whenever I see you in a urinal in the men's bathroom at some "fancy" bar or restaurant, I gladly piss on you. It is just so satisfying to burn a hole right through your useless, shapeless lump. Ladies, you don't know what you're missing. No, wait. Let me just leave a small crushed iceberg in your toilet and you can give it a go!

Do your work, sun. FUCK YOU, CRUSHED ICE!