UAG

6 Lies Told By the Choo Choo Barn Brochure

Choo Choo Barn is a kid-friendly toy train museum that invites families to come look at a bunch of small shit running through some other small shit to make a whole charming small world of shit. If I sound bitter it's because they wouldn't let me take a poo there even though I showed a ticket stub that I had just been there 6 years prior. 

1) Enjoy seeing hardworking truckers frustratedly sit in traffic while trains whisk by them!

2) The billboard doesn't actually show missing children from a previous tour group who wandered too far into the "Cave of Nothingness."

3) If Amish Country weren't quaint enough for you city folk, the miniature version will charm the ever living whorepennies out of your godless, Instagramming pockets!

4) Master modeler and second generation owner Tom Groff dresses like a doctor, but is NOT a licensed podiatrist. So put your boots back on, Aunt Tina.

5) Scanning this QR code actually takes you here.

6) The Choo Choo Barn Twitter feed is mostly just shirtless shots of Tom Groff, with and without the white lab coat.

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Made with quality plasticine ceramic and putty, these exquisite, lightweight and high-end frames can help you spot lies up to 200 meters away, or only 2 inches away if you're nearsighted haha. That's a joke.

These limited edition "6L" frames will be available in Huron Blue, Agassi Red and Vulva Green and will retail for $295.00.

A Pathmark of Crows

And these three from guest editor EMILY KANE:

New EADJ Segment: Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Seen

Empire State, starring Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, Liam Hemsworth and Nancy Drew

Dwayne Johnson as Cody: (as they enter the police station) "Do you know what your problem is, Macguire? You take a bullet like a woman."

Playing For Keeps, starring Gerard Butler, Jessica Biel & Uma Thurman

Gerard Butler as Kip Young: "Why have I never settled down? Just look at me!"

Killing Season, starring John Travolta and Robert De Niro

Robert De Niro as Sully Cox: "These fuckers are trying to corner us."

John Travolta as Thorpe: "Well, let's box 'em out, then."

D2: The Mighty Ducks, starring Emilio Estevez

Emilio Estevez as Coach Walter Annex: "You think you're hot stuff just because you won one championship? Well, that's what they're expecting- they're expecting you to be weak and HAPPY. Well, I'm here to tell you that you've got a lot of reasons to still be MAD! Cammy, you still suck at your Russian lunges! Lil' Dougie, I hope you don't think that's what you call a dump and chase, because that stuff is WEAK. What are you laughing at, Toto? Get that taco out of your mouth and work on your goaltending! Yeah, I said it! Get MAD, Ducks!"

Safe Haven, starring Josh Duhamel and Julianne Hough

Julianne Hough as Maisie: "I think I'm falling in love with you."

Josh Duhamel as Calgon: "You have cancer."

Safe Haven, starring Neil Patrick Harris, Hank Azaria and Jayma Mays

Neil Patrick Harris: (to camera) "Here we Smurf again!" (winks and collects unironic but cynical paycheck)

End of Watch, starring Jake Gyllenhaal and That Hispanic Actor Whose Name You've Never Learned Because You're a Straight-up Racist

That Hispanic Actor Whose Name You've Never Learned Because You're a Straight-up Racist as Guillermo: "Should we call for back up?'

Jake Gyllenhaal as Vic: "No. We don't need witnesses for this."

The Last Stand, starring Arnold Schwarzenegger and Johnny Knoxville

Arnold Schwarzenegger as Dev James: (looking at a customized helicopter/tank combo with a gatling gun and four rocket launchers as Papa Roach's "Getting Away With Murder" blares from the speakers) "Nice."

Let's Be Cops, starring Jake Johnson & Damon Wayans Jr.

Jake Johnson & Damon Wayans Jr. as Huck and Doobie: (singing in their squad car at a stop light) ♬ All that she wants is another baby / She's gone tomorrow boy / All that she wants is another baby / All that she wants is another baby ♬