Here Are Your Timesheets For August 29, 2019

Howdy all! Shep the window washer here. Jus' wanted to let you all know that my crew and I will be servicing all windows on the east side today, so don't get upset if we block the sunrise! That's a joke!

Anyhoo,  your CEO had asked me to remind y'all to fill out your timesheets by end of day TODAY, otherwise your company won't be able to pay you or their bills and soon I'll be peering in on a whole different set of employees! That's also a joke!

Anyways, enough horsing around. Here are the job numbers for you good people:

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44928: Making lemonade back into lemons

02124: Snitching on Shanekwa

56640: Slipping that handsome TSA agent a love note

31318: FaceTiming with the Lord

93200: Explaining to someone that you can't type "Flavortown" into the GPS

33818: Finding tights to match your sexy Foghorn Legcorn costume

59153: Getting wrapped up like a douche, another runner in the night

00382: Falling asleep in the Lincoln Memorial's lap

68385: Cursing loudly at the Hallmark Store

94661: Trying to pick out Peter Cetera in old Chicago footage

75774: Checkmating Chewbacca; getting arms torn off

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To Netflix This Month

Due to contract changes, the following movies and TV shows will be removed from Netflix this week:

• Hard Teachers

• Peter Kriss's Makeup Tutorials

• Slapping Fat Dudes: The Series

• Finding A Public Bathroom in Brooklyn

• Separation Anxiety: The Laundry Game Show

• Server Transfer Emergencies

• Nothing: The Bible Prequel

• Is This Salt?

The following movies and TV shows will be added to Netflix this week:

• Titpuncher

• Gory Manicure Stories

• Labelmaker Wars

• Stanisław Szukalski: The Erotic Stories

• Nude Male Bookmarks

• French Onion Soup: The Criterion Edition

• Moon Unit Zappa Reflects On Aging and Mortality

• The Kool-Aid Nighttime Mysteries, Rated M

• Faces Of Death Babies

• Shiva and Shivs: Hindus in Prison

• Yelling At Cheese

6 Lies Told By The CIA Spy Exhibit Brochure

1) Not everything revealed in this exhibit has been declassified. And not everything that has been declassified is revealed in this exhibit.

2) The exhibit doesn't actually feature someone doing a soft shoe dance on the sidewalk. That's outside.

3) "Discovery: More Than a Museum." Nope. It's pretty much a museum.

4) Visitors are not encouraged to stroke the glass cases. In fact, if you're within 6 inches of a display case, an alarm goes off and you'll suddenly find yourself in a holding pen in Guantanamo Bay. You think I'm kidding?!

5) Kids who dream of becoming secret agents can only fully experience the world of espionage by selling sensitive government documents to foreign nations by way of their embassy in exchange for money or political asylum.

6) "Navigating laser beams" actually means "rolling on top of a supermarket scanner like a dumbass until it beeps."

EADJ is proud to announce that the "6 Lies Told" series is now a new college course taught at the Rio Salado College in Tempe, Arizona. The course covers everything from brochures to the six lies that each one tells in graphic detail. 

The completion of the course counts towards a degree in Dental Assisting or Law Enforcement Technology but can be also used towards a simple framed Certificate of Completion for $15.99.