Fringe Backdrop

UAG

Burning Questions

A banner ad for Endurance car insurance, featuring Ludacris and Danica Patrick:

1) What the hell?

2) Is this a Fast and the Furious movie tie-in?

3) "Ludacris: Artist and Musician". Doesn't his music count as his art? What, does he paint landscapes or weave tapestries too? (Cool, if so)

4) Was the accompanying music to the banner "Move Bitch"?

5) Did Luda not offer a seat to Danica? Is he not a gentleman?

6) Do Danica and Ludacris have a irreconcilable disagreement but begrudging respect for each other and that's why they're standing back-to-back like so many rom-com movie posters?

7) Who drives in that relationship?

8) If car repairs were covered, wouldn't you not be paying for them anyway?

The VidCon Guests: UPDATED!

The Internet's biggest gathering of content creators and influencers is next week, and here are the newest additions to the already packed guest list:

• Logan Paul, Mr. Beast and KSI will be handing out boxes of their shitty unsold Lunchly meals to anyone who doesn't resist

• Harmony Patel will show you how to cook her famous TikTok Tikka Masala

• 4 year old Justin Bieber impersonator Jesse Breebs will sing an extended 10 minute version of "Baby"

• Police will arrest twenty 4chan users live in Hall C

• OnlyJayus will publicly rebrand herself as DEIUnityWokeSistah

• Prank content creators Laphy and the Boom will cause the tragic death of all 450 guests in the main auditorium

“A Good Plan Violently Executed Now is Better Than a Pathmark Executed Next Week”

Kermit the Frog Was Happy

Kermit the Frog was happy.

Cushions was confused.

Chairs On A Porch glared.

Gym Windows was suspicious.

Sandals groaned.

The Newest Benefits of an AMC Stubs Membership

Movie theaters are brimming with repeat customers, thanks to AMC's Stubs loyalty program, and thanks to the slew of perks that its members enjoy. Here are the latest benefits added to this wildly successful program:

• If you plan to propose to your girl in the theatre, we'll put the ring in the popcorn and try to pour butter around it rather than on it

• Our ushers have been professionally trained to yeet loud people

• We'll let you take one of our lobby standees home and have sex with it if you promise to bring it back

• Free beeper so you can leave the theatre and have lunch and dinner while the trailers are playing

• Free admission to any new movie starring expired character actor Thomas Mitchell

• If our concession employees spontaneously break out into a rap cipher, you will automatically be invited to spit some bars

The ProofrEADJer: Mid-May Edition

Twi... I Mean, X's Least Used Hashtags

The cesspool which is now Twitter (formerly X. No, wait. it's now X, formerly Twitter. WHO CARES) wallows in bots and white supremacist garbage and continues to lose users and retain losers. Here now are this week's least used hashtags on the platform:

#StephenMillerfuckboy

#Iapplaudthisdiversecast

#OMGElonissocoolguys

#Imightbewrongsopleasecorrectme

#ItradedmygaudyCybertruckinforasensiblePrius

#racistbutwoulddateminoritiesbecauseI'msolonesome

UAG

Bleach Your Eyes

I don't know what these influencers are doing.

I don't want to know.

I'm sorry I happened to see this.

Fuck influencers and whatever they're doing to get attention—which is ANYTHING.

Highlights From Last Week's Consumer Electronics Show

CES 2025 in Las Vegas has come to a close. Here are the most interesting exhibitors from last week's Consumer Electronics Show:

• A portable sticker printer that only prints the word SCAG

• An old flip phone from 1998 that still has Spice Girl Geri Halliwell's number in it

• Samsung's new foldable TV for people who want to fold their TV for some reason

• A home version of a boba tea maker that also takes forever

• Bathroom scale that displays your weight and warns if you've been watching too much Fox News for one day

A DoorDash Notice

I did a quick Google Image search of "Stalin" and "McDonald's" and found these:

Terrifying

The horror!

This Week's Episode Summaries for CBS's FBI Shows

FBI

Season 4 Episode 8: "Sumdumgui"

Hampton wonders who borrowed his sidearm. Detective Galloway meets her landlady's husband, who turns out to be the mugger that she arrested yesterday. Sgt. Masterson tries on skinny jeans.

---------------

FBI: International

Season 2 Episode 10: "Speedo Wars"

Interpol investigates Terrazas's chimpanzee massage business. Seymour learns how to roll a futo maki. Things go to shit in Brazil.

---------------

FBI: Most Wanted

Season 3 Episode 2: "Get It On, Falun Gong"

A drug raid of American Girl Place comes up empty. Belinda and Darcy compare tits. A loose donkey at the station destroys four years' worth of evidence.

Spotted On The Road:

Unintentional Joy Division album art. 

UAG

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To Netflix This Month

Every so often, Netflix renews or cancels shows or movies based on viewer preferences. Here now are all the shows that will be added to Netflix this month:

• Pretty Little Lawyers

• Property Brothers Continue To Freak Everybody Out

• Tyler Perry's Drag Race

• Is It Cake? Or Just a Bunch of Bullshit Fondant?

• Non-Emergency 811

Here are the shows and movies that Netflix is removing from their lineup this month:

• I Think You Should Weave

• My Made-Up Addiction

• The Celebrity Golden Bachelor, Starring A Poor Nobody

• Ghost Hunters: Traumatized Toddler Edition

• The Niles Crane Chronicles

The ProofrEADJer: May Edition

Bloodbaths at Big Box Stores?

I was at Walmart and spotted this blood spill kit near the entrance:

I automatically thought of the unruly and sometimes violent Walmart customers I see in online videos. Are fights that lead to bloodshed really so common in Walmart that they have to set up a station for it?

Then a few days later I spotted the same type thing at Target, except it's behind the registers:

Who are these walking blood bags that explode at Walmart and Target? Are stab victims stopping by to pick up a few things on the way to the ER? Maybe that's why they make employees wear red at Target.

Next time you shop at either of these places, know that if you suddenly puncture your femoral artery, they'll be able to clean it up.

An Imagined Conversation

"Hey, where you want to order dinner from?"

"Let's get Chinese from No One."

"No One?"

"Yeah, No One on South Orange Avenue."

"I've never heard of that place."

"Yes you have. We went there after your dentist appointment last month."

"..."

"..."

"Oh shit. You mean NUMBER ONE."

"Huh?"

"The Chinese place is called Number One. They just abbreviated the word "number" as "no."

"Are you sure? I still think it's No One."

"Whatever. I'll call them now."

*phone rings*

"Hello. NOI Chinese restaurant. What is your order?"

"Never Underestimate the Pathmark of Human Stupidity."