The Urban Air Adventure Park Sock Policy is Bullshit

Spotted at Urban Air Adventure Park:

"All participants must jump in re-usable Urban Air Socks." So admission is dependent on the SALE of socks that you can ONLY get there.

Nobody is asking the real questions here, like if the International Association of Trampoline Parks has a financial stake in making Urban Air socks mandatory and only for sale at Urban Air. ISN’T THIS A CONFLICT OF INTEREST, IATP?

The Newest Guests To Join VidCon 2025

VidCon is the Internet's biggest live gathering of influencers, content creators and podcasters. Luminaries such as Helga the Doll Makeover Artist and Xylophone Tits have graced the stage in previous years. Here are the latest scheduled appearances and features:

• Class Action Lawsuit for the 2001 Cinnamon Challenge

• Pete Za moderates the manosphere pity party

• Jubilee: conservative podcaster Travis McDunnitt against 14 crocodiles who voted liberal last election

• Ragebaiter Mallory Suns heckles people in line to get in

• Calculate your Online Presence Quotient / Which Disney Princess Goth Mech Dragon Are You?

Recycling Bin Was Shocked.

Recycling Bin was shocked.

Toolboxes In a Truck couldn't believe it.

Electrical Box did its best Bubble Bobble impression.

Box Behind Another Recycling Bin was lost in thought.

And Port-o-John was too stoned to pay attention.

UAG

Spotted At Dollar General, Part 2

Yesterday we featured some balloons at Dollar General that offered the oh-so-crazy colors white and burgundy. BURGUNDY.

We gave it a think, and here are some possible occasions we came up with to use BURGUNDY balloons:

• Ron BURGUNDY'S birthday party

• A wine tasting that's classy but not that classy

• Retirement party for a co-worker that none of you really liked

• A CONGRATS ON YOUR UNSIGHTLY BRUISE party

• Balloon arch for a library orgy

• Intervention

 

Spotted at Dollar General

Look at the fun, festive colors that Funsational Balloons offers: white and burgundy.

Burgundy.

BURGUNDY.

Highlights From This Year's Consumer Electronics Show

CES came and went this year, and some surprising new technological advances were introduced. Here are the latest new personal tech announcements:

• A shower radio that won't judge you for playing music you enjoyed in high school

• New Cuisinart-brand paper shredder that also makes delicious julienne potatoes 

• A portable printer that will generate a perfect counterfeit pass for next year's CES

• A document scanner that fits in your pocket. But who uses printed documents anymore?

• A fax machine that prints birthday cakes. No, don't walk away... watch how this works! Where are you going?

• A special mirror to attach to your smartphone so that you can make eye contact with your date

The ProofrEADJer: Mid April Edition

UAG

Yikes, UAG. Racist much?

The Constantly Changing Number of New Jersey Monthly's Top Dentists, and Three Theories

On the wall at my son's orthodontist's office, there are awards that brag that his orthodontist has made the year's Top Dentist five or six times, according to New Jersey Monthly Magazine.

The odd thing is that the number of Top Dentists changes wildly from year to year— from 624 to 603 to 565. What the hell? Why doesn't the magazine just keep a constant number, like the Fortune 500? Here are three theories of why they might do this: 

Note: These are just a blind theories and are not based on any verifiable facts, so don't sue us, New Jersey Monthly

Theory 1: The magazine is corrupt and demands TRIBUTE

Like the old Who's Who of High School Students racket, this is not so much a commendation as it is a shakedown. New Jersey Monthly tells hundreds of dentists across the state that THEIR NAME WILL BE PUBLISHED but they have to pay a hundred bucks or so to have that honor. So some dentists play ball and pony up but lots of others say "fuck that" and the number changes year to year. 

Theory 2: Someone who works at the magazine is hopelessly incompetent

There's an editor, production designer, editorial manager or publisher who every year is FUCKING IT UP for the Top Dentists feature. New Jersey readers have gotten used to the yearly announcement of the state's Top Dentists, but someone behind the scenes is fumbling it every time. Either they're losing the list of awardees or messing up the magazine layout software or getting their leg caught in the printing press. Something. Something that results in the deadline approaching, and the magazine throwing their hands up and saying, "Oh well. Tatum messed up again, so I guess we'll make this year's list only 593 dentists. Nice going, TATUM."

Theory 3: The magazine hates this one New Jersey dentist and is fucking with him/her

This is my favorite theory. I believe there's ONE DENTIST in New Jersey who was hugely unpopular among their class in dentist school—whether deserved or not—which has resulted in the publishers of New Jersey Monthly to perpetually exclude them from their Top Dentists list.

So this means that this unfortunate dentist is clearly competent, but because they make the list of Top Dentists every year, the magazine decides to just cut the list off right at their number.

What are YOUR theories?

Dear YouTube Algorithm,

 Dude, I thought you knew me? You got me wroooooooooooooong.

"It Has Become Appallingly Obvious That Our Technology Has Exceeded Our Pathmark."

Fringe Backdrop

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To Hulu This Month

Every other month, Hulu renews or cancels shows or movies based on viewer preferences. Here are all the shows that will be added to Hulu this month:

• The Already Married Bachelor

• Tyler Perry's House of Pancakes

• Law & Order: Junior Chef Edition

• The Conners Who Have Absolutely Nothing To Do With Roseanne Anymore

• Design On A Dimebag

And here are all the shows and movies that will be removed from Hulu this month:

• Whose Line of Coke Is It Anyway?

• The View: WWE Smackdown

• Stephen A. Smith Argues With Little League Coaches

• Jack Reacharounder

• Joe Rogan's Tragically Unfunny Parade of Conservative Comedy Podcaster Bros

Here Are Your Job Numbers For April 10, 2025

From: accounting@company.net

Sent: April 10, 2025

To: ALL_Company

Subject: Updated job numbers for timesheets

Hello team!

Since our billing system went tits up last week, we've had to rebuild the job folders and have applied new job numbers to both tasks you have going and new ones for this week. Regardless of status, please use these new job numbers moving forward:

_______________

29771: Bitching about hybrid working

92104: Finding all your meeting invites in the SPAM folder

01186: Checking your balls for lumps in a meeting

64662: Checking your co-worker's breasts for lumps in a meeting

44057: Collating your elaborate Bachelorette Party invites that you printed on the company printer

34031: Gagging after smelling your own feet

62376: Surrendering to the bacchanal that is the Zoom call Happy Hour

UAG

Synopses For Upcoming Episodes of Netflix's "Charlie's Colorforms City"

"Injustices"

Charlie is forced to confront his own racism when he makes a broad statement about tan people being subhuman. A runaway from Olivetown reveals they are the mayor's illegitimate daughter and throws the upcoming election in turmoil. An unsolved murder remains unsolved.

"Dual Loyalties"

Charlie arranges a meeting of all the Colorforms City gang leadership, only to find out it was a trap set by the police. A hidden camera in a motel room becomes an instant moneymaker for Charlie. Colorforms women lose the right to vote.

"Down, Motherfucker"

Joshua and Ellie help kids learn how to count to 20. Drug lords in the Purple Pink neighborhood take over the surrounding suburb turf and expand their distribution. A train yard murder reveals an entire population of C.H.U.D.s living under Colorform City.

Some Terrible But Available Pornstar Names

Welcome to Exxxotic Productions! I'm sure you're ready to get started, but before you get on that water bed and hump in front of the cameras, we're going to need you to fill out these tax forms, sign this NDA, and then pick out a pornstar name from this shoebox. Don't worry– none of these have ever been used by someone else, and you'll find out with good reason:

Males

Fenton Nil

Asper Inne

Putin Mydickinyou

Crymore Liberals

*Very* Deep Roy

Females

Eiffel T. That

Kara Pace

Sara Tonin

Shen Yun (she’ll never stop bothering you afterward)

G. Lori Hole

Fringe Backdrop

Episode Summaries For This Week's Chicago ____________ on NBC

The following are episode synopses for Chicago Med, Chicago Fire, and Chicago P.D., all on NBC.

Chicago Med

Season 7, Episode 6: "Cuntography"

Bailey's patients all develop infections shortly after she visits a bodega salad bar. Dr. Ackerlee makes a supernatural prediction about the mysterious kid in ICU. The basement is flooded with pus.

Chicago Fire

Season 8, Episode 3: "Sophie Ellis-Bextor's Choice"

Chief Hargrove develops a crush on the Bulls mascot. Two fire stations claim jurisdiction over Soldier Field as it burns. Somebody left a brat in Jonesy's locker for the 8 weeks he was on vacation.

Chicago P.D.

Season 12, Episode 4: "Hardly As Hard"

Gambino strikes it rich on a scratch off ticket and pays off all his poker debts. Detective Lambert and Kimmy make an arrest at an antiques and esoteric book dealer, where they discover a mysterious amulet with the power to bend reality and transport you through multiple dimensions and Intellectual Properties. Barker's meter maid cart gets stolen again.

Doppelgänger Time!

A first: a Melinda doppelgänger, complete with jean jacket!

Vince found "Hawaiian John Reid"

On an in-flight magazine I found giggly chef Andrew.

Here's Mike B's twin brother

Vince found "Italian John Reid" and captured him in both photo and in motion:

The Latest McDonald's Happy Meal Prize Toys

 Note: Although this is dated April 1, this is post featuring real McDonald's promotional toys.

The most recent wave of Happy Meal toys is very self referential and arguably UN-fun: Introducing Lil McDonald's, miniature versions of your favorite McDonald's things that you find sitting around McDonald's, but in playable MINIATURE form that you can take home! Great, right? Let's check out these amazing new toys:

Look, the legendary McDonald's broken ice cream machine! And the toy doesn't do anything, JUST LIKE THE REAL THING!

Not to be confused with the ice cream machine is the almost-identical McDonald's CONDIMENT DISPENSER. Who asked for this? Not your kids!

Okay, a Happy Meal on a tray. Fine. Maybe check inside that miniature Happy Meal box for a more fun prize.

Hey, check it out. A drive through order station. Now you can make your Hot Wheels cars pull around and order fast food because they don't have enough time to sit down for a healthier lunch. Fun!

The next few miniatures are possibly the most mystifying toys that no kid is asking for: METHODS OF PAYMENT!

First off, yaaaay, the kiosk in McDonald's that's taken the place of ordering at the counter! Scroll through the menu on a dirty screen to order what would take 5 seconds talking to a real person! Then take a number and sit your ass down!

For those lucky enough to order with a worker at a register, here's the McDonald's register / swipe station. Now Barbie can pay for a Quarter Pounder with Cheese meal with her credit card. Counter and apathetic Mickey D's employee not included.

Look, it's a miniature smart phone loaded with the McDonald's app that they're always asking you to use now when you order so they can track your McDonald's purchase history! This is a BRANDING HEAVEN / DYSTOPIAN NIGHTMARE!