No, Not the Same

A search on Indeed for "Creative Director" brings up a partial match.

The Internet Is a Very Stupid Place

A meme spotted somewhere in social media:

A few things:

• A baby's skin in contact with glue is not a good idea. At all.

• A baby's skin in contact with glitter is also a terrible idea.

• If you DID do that and put their hand or foot imprint on a Christmas ornament, I can guarantee you it would NOT look like that.

• This meme is total bullshit and whoever made it has never seen a baby or a footprint in real life.

EADJ Fashion Round-Up

Donovan is ready for the Washington Square Park drum circle in this East-meets-West hippie ensemble.

Magda pops in a loose white shirt and leggings by Gershwin, plus a fun pom pom hat that just screams, I AM FUN, GODDAMMIT!

Victor allows a camo puffer to compete with wagon red Crocs in this bold tribute to cognitive dissonance.

Kathryn is bundled up nicely up top in a wool coat by Jerishi. To hell with her lower body's comfort!

Stan alerts all around him that his job is URGENT and also that he's in quite a bit of a HURRY. Accessories!

The Off-Brand TP Round-Up Returns

Brand: Platinum Facial Quality Bathroom Tissue

Brand Features: A piss yellow wrapper with a background of either clouds or fried chicken

Feels Like: 2-ply fried chicken

Brand: Monogram Toilet Tissue Rolls

Brand Features: Features CLEANING and DISPOSABLES(?) with little blue leaves

Feels Like: Getting a wedgy in burlap bike shorts

Brand: Crystal 525

Brand Features: A white dove and white flowers

Feels Like: Wiping with parchment on fire

Brand: Softouch Quality Bathroom Tissue

Brand Features: A nondescript blue oval. Some friendly rounded letters.

Feels Like: Getting slapped on the anus with streamers

Brand: Elegant Essentials

Brand Features: "Made With 100% Recycled Fibers"

Feels Like: Some of those fibers were steel wool from the apocalypse

An Ad on Facebook

A reminder, bonsai trees are known to be small. Something to think about before showing up at the club in a pair of those. Also, Japanese men might try to approach you with tiny clippers out of habit.

UAG

AMC Would Like To Address Last Thursday's Incident and Its Effect On Stubs Rewards Members

Hello. We at AMC pride ourselves on our impeccable customer service and our commitment to a clean, wonderful theatre experience. It therefore distresses us to find out what happened at the Elmwood AMC location last Thursday. We're still getting reports of sickness and trauma, but here's what we know so far:

• The meat was uncooked

• We're not sure how all that meat got into Theatre 5– perhaps through the fire exit

• Almost three rows of seats were drenched in the pig blood. Only the first row got the intestines.

• People who were almost trampled at the concession stand will not have to pay for their snacks.

• Dua Lipa and John Cena were only in the movie for about 15 minutes, which is a rip-off.

• To get blood out of your jeans, sponge the stain with hydrogen peroxide, or rub bar soap into the stain. Pour the hydrogen peroxide onto the sponge, not directly on the stain. Scrub the stained garment by hand in cold water.

• AMC Rewards Club Members do not have to pay for anything for a year because of this.

• No, that was not Nicole Kidman in the theatre. Just a woman who looked remarkably like her.

• Refunds will be posted back to everyone's credit cards on Monday.

♫ The World Is a Pathmark ♫

Advertising Synergy!

Found in a package of Easy Einstein Water Balloons, a tip-in brochure for JEWELRY. Whaaa?

An advertisement for the Sterling Collections Infinite Love Ring, a romantic piece festooned with 22 hand-set cubic zirconia gems, along with a ring sizer diagram.

On top of that, it asks you to MAIL IN YOUR ORDER of $10 and $6.99 postage to a P.O. Box like it's the 1970s. Who is this for? And who is reading this ad a mere seconds before being beaned by 100 water balloons?

A New Expression

 Here's what to say when someone you know is getting out of line:

An Ad on Facebook

I think that's a @istake.

Hail Satan?

 

Spotted on a garden hose-connected sprinkler pad thing, some fun graphics with numbers, animals and shapes:

Except one with a star labeled as a pentagram? That doesn't sound right.

So I googled "Is a star a pentagram?" and found this:

So I guess it's technically correct but sounds weird. Could'a just written the word STAR, you foreign toy makers. 

"Circle. Triangle. Pentagram." You fucking weirdos.

"You've Got Great Taste"

An ad spotted on Facebook:

Uh, thanks Wayfair? But I don't think this goes with my decor, which is more Eggplant Gothic.

The following Missed Connections were posted by dogs that visited the Bucks County Core Creek Dog Park in Langhorne, PA:

You: the Yorkie whose name I forget

Me: the Collie with the human hat

DUDE! We haven't played in forever! It's been so good to catch up! I love your winter coat! Don't be a stranger now, hear?

You: the slinky Doberman

Me: the Bulldog with the underbite (I realize that doesn't narrow it down)

Hello sexy. I saw you looking at me while you were sniffing that German Shepherd. I think maybe you should sniff me sometime?

You: the Dark Chocolate Lab

Me: the French Bulldog with the booties

I was crapping by the water bowls when you walked in. YOU WERE GORGEOUS. Why didn't I talk to you? NEXT TIME BABY.

Surprises From Last Week's VidCon

VidCon 2024 has wrapped up, and the industry's leading forum for content creators and. influencers provided lots of surprises to fans and the press. Some highlights:

• Ciabatta Bot used A.I. to make everyone ciabattas.

• Front Dump performed a cover of Gracie Abramss' "I Should Hate You"

• The Diarrhea Sisters gave out free samples

• Jake Paul got knocked out by a Dyson vacuum cleaner

• Khaby Lame appeared to scores of bowing, adoring fans while being carried on a golden palanquin

• Computer generated A.I. hologram influencer ▓▒░█▄■ absorbed a teenage boy and became flesh

UAG

Pizza Flavored, My Eye

Hey food companies and snack conglomerates: PLEASE STOP MAKING PIZZA FLAVORED THINGS. It never works. Ever. The promise of eating something flavored like pizza will never capture the total flavor and texture of eating a slice, no matter how many chemicals you spray on whatever.

At the very most, what you created approximates pizza in some way, with hints of cheese flavor and pepperoni flavor and burnt dough flavor, but ultimately, it's a bad semblance of the real thing.

So instead of piping hot pizza, you have room temperature bagel with bagel texture that doesn't taste like a bagel but instead tastes kind of like pizza. Yuck.

Look at this shit. Lay's promises the chips you eat here will taste like a gooey deep dish Chicago style pizza. Now I'm not the biggest fan of deep dish, but looking at that great photo, I'd rather eat that than some average chips sprayed with essence of marinara sauce. Hell, even dipping Lay's chips INTO heated marinara sauce won't be as good as pizza.

So, stop. You're never going to pull it off. Ever. Stop trying to make it. No one asked you to do it. No one wants something like pizza when THEY CAN HAVE PIZZA. Okay? Stop. Stop it. Stop. Please. Please stop.

More Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Seen

"Okay, I bought a thousand copies of 'Brewster's Millions'. How much was that?"

"I'm back, Dad! Wait, you didn't even notice I was gone?! 🙁"

"Wait, where's my horse? THOSE LITTLE FUCKERS!"

"Me, Jane. You, white man in jungle trying to co-opt primate culture for likes."

"F"

"You want to hire the Iceman? Yeah, I'll ice anybody you need me to ice, for the right price. You're not a cop, are you? Because icing somebody means killing, which is illegal."

"Barney, I think we're about to have a pointless, wacky foot chase around the castle and end up in exactly the same spot!"

"This pillow you got from D.C. is so delightfully soft! The feathers are so bouncy! What was the secret, you say?"

"I know what you're gonna say. I get it all the time. But yeah, I am not him. I admit, my name is similar. So don't even make a joke about it and start talking funny."

"Привет!"

Spotted on FB

Jesus. I'd have trouble spelling my name if it was that. 

New Year's Resolutions of the Info Wars Staff

The following are the New Year's resolutions that the staff of Info Wars have made for themselves for 2024:

• Drop at least 30 IQ points

• Exercise more by chasing wild geese in news stories

• Finally accept that the moon landing was faked by Hobbit ghosts instead of Pirate zombies

• Take the fake news more seriously

• Pay more attention to the racist voices in my head

• Dress more like Steve Bannon

• Get the Cybertruck tuned up

• Proofread that manifesto before making 10,000 to air drop over New York City

UAG