Another Off-Brand TP Roundup

Brand: Brighton Professional

Brand Imagery: A swirling, gaping black asshole

Brand Promise: It's over before you know it

Feels Like: A Dremel tool on the basement door

Brand: MONOGRAM

Brand Imagery: Nothing except a blue bar

Brand Promise: A personalized approach

Feels Like: Hiding pine cones in your ass for later

Brand: CINTAS Signature Series

Brand Imagery: Elegant green S's

Brand Promise: A limited edition, special invitation-only event

Feels Like: A public, anonymous free-for-all on your butthole

Brand: Unnamed

Brand Imagery: A giraffe's hide?

Brand Promise: Like wiping with a giraffe?

Feels Like: Wiping with a giraffe

Brand: Unnamed

Brand Imagery: What looks like an arrowhead? Or a Star Destroyer from Star Wars? Or Superman sitting in a top?

Brand Promise: Sharp-edged object coming your way

Feels Like: Driving a knife where you shouldn't