Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Yet Even More Mall Kiosks And What Their Attendants Are Probably Thinking

The following is what Mable at the Clock Faeces kiosk in Put-In-Bay, Ohio was thinking about:

• What time is it, really?
• Does anybody really know what time it is?
• Why did I just make a fucking old Chicago reference?

The following is what Terence at the Toy Orgasm kiosk in Jasper, Arkansas was thinking about:

• Where is my weed guy? He should be here.
• They were only referred to as "Sandpeople" in the movie, so why are they also called "Tusken Raiders?"
• "Tylenol" spelled backwards is "Lonely T." Whoa.

The following is what Chandra at the Smell Like You Mean It kiosk in Mount Dora, Florida was thinking about:

• Is it an STD if your poop burns, too?
• Why do old rich people assume I'm the goddamned concierge around here?
• I love bowling.

The following is what Hakim at the Plush It Real Good kiosk in La Conner, Washington was thinking about:

• It disheartens me that the reviews for the Dora the Explorer Live Show aren't very positive.
• I bet Mike Pence wears old fashioned matching pajamas, complete with a sleeping cap.
• Why does my butt crack look like Boba Fett?

The following is what Rex at the Currency Exchange kiosk in Greer, South Carolina was thinking about:

• I like to split open ravioli and eat it out like a small pussy.
• Why were the Thundercats's arch enemies mummies? Shouldn't they have been dogs?
• This mustache is hiding my herpes like a charm.

The following is what Gregg at the Perfumerie kiosk in Smyrna, Delaware was thinking about:

• Will Smith's son is faking it, isn't he?
• Would Loretta Lynn's career have been as successful if she had been born an insurance adjuster's daughter?
• When will that boomerang ever come back?

The following is what Keith at the Screen Savers kiosk in Kirkwood, Missouri was thinking about:

• I bet if this scab gets big enough, I could fling it like a frisbee.
• I regret sleeping with the babysitter. Especially since it was MY MOM.
• They need to make alcoholic Capri-Suns.

The following is what Walter at the Legging For Mercy kiosk in Hodgenville, Kentucky was thinking about:

• How come no customers ask ME to model these damn leggings?
• This erection has lasted about 2 hours. Do I call a doctor now or wait another hour?
• Man, whenever Raven Symone starts talking on "The View," I have to change the channel.

The following is what Frieda at the Inflated Sense of Worth kiosk in Leiper's Fork, Kentucky was thinking about:

• Barney Rubble is pretty sexy.
• I wonder why the sight of my husband's smile makes me want to murder him dead?
• I bet I could take on Kimbo Slice, even in his prime.

The following is what Dennis at the Faux Diamonds Are Faux Ever kiosk in Natick, Massachusetts was thinking about:

• If you died on a blimp, would you soul rise through the balloon part or go around it?
• Those red buzzers on "Family Feud" are probably filthy.
• Holy shit, I'm gay! I should totally divorce Chelsea tomorrow.

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