The following unedited, uncorrected Lobsterfest entry was written after drinking about 8 "Dark & Stormy" cocktails and some expensive scotch on the rocks at a hotel bar in Toronto, which I have to admit knocked me off my dick:
You hire Benny Hinn, aka Sir Elton John, to change the lyrics of his classic hit "Crocodile Rock" to something about "Lobster Rock." All proceeds of the food sold will go to Princess Di's children- who are grown already- instead of to the B-52s who could have used the money. Life is a grand, unfair Lobsterfest.
Five fists in, you gather yourself and forget about all your troubles about dragons or vomit or whatever and MAKE YOURSELF SEE.
Luggage tags. Now that's a thematic, surprising way to ejoy lobster at the Lobsterfest at Lobsterfest®!
An OSX Update on your computer contains an .EXE file which turns out to be digitized pieces of real lobster meat. When you update your computer to OS X Version 10.8.6 ("Lobster") your desktop background changes to a bright red and nothing fucking works, and the only way to unlock your new brick of a laptop is to scream the word "lobster" into the built-in microphone. That doesn't seem like a complicated way at all to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster, does it? Oh yeah, no free wi-fi here.
If I were a betting man, I'd put money down on some property currently occupied by the local Crab Shack. In time, through intimidation and the cruel hand of market forces, the owners of the Crab Shack would be forced to close down. I would then swoop in, purchase the property under their struggling feet, and set up an illegal lobster stand with two folding tables and a kettle. Now fuck you, that would sell some cocksucking lobster at cocksucking Lobsterfest circle R and Red Lobster.
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