Saturday, July 30, 2011

A Very Disturbing Find At Pathmark

So I had to take a George while at Pathmark the other week (don't ask), and I spotted a stray butcher sticker inside the stall:


Now, I don't need to tell you this is disgusting on a couple of levels here:

• that somebody saw fit to bring unpaid merchandise into a bathroom stall
• that the item they saw fit to bring into the poop stall was apparently RAW MEAT
• that the sticker itself doesn't specify anything beyond "MEAT" with "ALL THE INGREDIENTS"

Friday, July 29, 2011

A Brief Message From The National Book Council


Reading on a Nook makes you look like an asshole.


This has been a brief message from the National Book Council.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

The EADJ Sticker Show, Entry 2

Once again, using the power of Google, EADJ invetigates and explains the random decals one spots around town:



The Brown Angels Sticker spotted in San Francisco.

Alternative band or vigilante Filipino fighters?


Google didn't turn up a lot, except for a lot of mentions of Dan Brown's "Angels and Demons," the sequel to "The Da Vinci Code".

Some further hunting found that The Brown Angels are or were some kind of rock band. They even opened up for Silversun Pickups. So that's neat.


The Brown Angels apparently have no presence on YouTube. Or myspace.

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SYC BOIS Sticker spotted in Modesto, CA.

Punk band or Neverwinter Nights clan?


Punk band, established 1999. So, no surprises there.

"The S.Y.C. (Street Youth Core) BoiS are a punk rock band from southern california. There are three members Bucky, Chris, and Eddie. We are rock and roll. Punk rock is what we are about. 'Shave your head and die your hair, safety pins right through your ears'."

But a quick search for them on YouTube or myspace revealed nothing. Are they disbanded?


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How Many Robots Have You Killed Today Babe? Stickers spotted around Manhattan.

Anti-technology artist's rant or obscure quote from SyFy series?




This is actually a reference to a Haitian photographer's Tumblr page. The Brooklyn-based photographer (and writer) Richard Louissaint sells books of his photography and even runs his own blog. Neat.


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Slopness Monster: Sticker spotted in Austin, TX.

Skateboarding company or web comic?



Turns out SlopnessMonster.com is a multi-city, multi-campus website devoted to displaying photos of drunk hi-jinks like puking or passing out, offering pithy captions like "Trunk Limbo" or "My Bunny."


And do they have a social media component? What do you think, asshole?


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Run From Popo: Sticker spotted in Midtown NYC.

City pro-tip or viral web game?


Run From Popo is some kind of paintball tournament in urban settings which oddly (but awesomely) requires the people who play as "popo" to have served in a military, police, security or law enforcement job and the people who play as "criminals" to have really been arrested once.



Looks pretty harmless, seeing how the "criminals" dress in cartoony striped fatigues. Still, someone could really get shot.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Two Flyers I Found in San Fran

1)
"$3000 for first prize?! Why, that's exactly how much we need to repair the engine so we can drive to the bachelorette party!"

2)


Now, I don't remember 2 Live Crew ever being associated with mustaches, but okay. SOLD.

Lil' Wayne Tattoos You May Not Know About


If you're a fan of Lil' Wayne or terrible hip hop, you may know that "Weezy" has over the years covered himself in all matter of tattoos. But probably less famous than his "Fear" and "God" eyelid tats or black teardrops are the following tattoos and their locations:

• The Allied Van Lines logo (inside left elbow)

• Stipple portrait of actor Anthony Edwards crying (thigh)

• Reproduction of Edward Hopper's "Nighthawks" on his nuts

• A Star of David wearing shades and making the "thumbs up" sign (right wrist)

• At least 3 renderings of gyro meat spools (neck, knee, right palm)

• The In-N-Out Burger secret menu (chin)

• An up-to-date tally of all the corny rhymes he's written (inside left eyelid)

• A "Magic Eye" likeness of Gucci Mane regretting his stupid ice cream cone face tattoo (inside right cheek)

• Four extra nipples

• Registration marks (bottom of left foot)

• Aquaman's real name (Arthur Curry) - unknown location

• The Snorks tattoed inside his left nostril

• The molecule for beryllium (behind left ear)

• The name "Jorge Bustamente," even though he has yet to meet anyone with that name (dick)

• "R.I.P. Chandra Levy" (above navel)

Monday, July 25, 2011

Sausalito, CA Isn't Known For Its Irony

So I'm guessing that this wasn't put up as someone's idea of a goddamned joke.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Use As Directed

An ad in SkyMall sells a new digital camera that you can hang or stand up to film you and your friends.


But this one use in particular piqued my interest:


Sweet! Sex tape! Looks like Jay Baruchel is getting lucky tonight!

So that photo has me wondering several things:

1) Does that (admittedly hot) girl know that her skeez boyfriend is filming them macking? Or will she find out later that footage of him tweaking her nips is now on YouPorn?

2) Is it actually her camera, and she's secretly filming them to prove that Chad Kregne is a date rapist just like the graffiti in the women's locker room says?

3) If that camera were self-aware and lonely, wouldn't this scenario be the cruelest of all fates?

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Pictured below, the TSA reminds passengers to remove their nasty, scabby frontier bearhide coat before going through security.



I like whoever's holding the coat is doing so like he doesn't want ticks.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

An Imagined (Short) Conversation


"Well, shit. This 14 feet of molding ain't gonna fit in the trunk. Now we drove all the way to Home Depot for nothing."

"Wait. I got an idea."

Monday, July 18, 2011

Irrigation Cap Was Irked


Irrigation cap was irked.


Rollers on a toolbox seemed distracted.


Bathroom stall drill holes was frankly shocked.


Urinal flusher just smiled and picked his nose.


But recycling bin cover couldn't get over it.


Car keys totally laughed it off.


Traffic light was nonplussed (submitted by Emily Kane).


And motorcycle dashboard about had a heart attack (also submitted by Emily Kane- I guess she likes this segment?).

Friday, July 15, 2011

I Ponder An Ad Way Too Long

I was at the car rental in Chicago, and I spotted this display ad for Kia cars:




Okay, a pretty run-of-the-mill ad of a guy jumping over a sedan. But then I looked closer:


Is that guy *in* the car with his head poking out of the sunroof? You certainly can't see that guy's feet behind the car.

What's amazing is that they took the time to retouch a reflection of the basketball in the windshield, but they left that guard sitting there like he's wearing the car like a barrel. Or is he on his knees, sticking out of the trunk?

F.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Beatbox



1) Learn how to make the classic kick drum {b}, hi-hat {t} and classic snare drum {p} or {pf}.

2) Combine the three sounds into an 8-beat such as this: { b t pf t / b t pf t } or {b t pf t / b b pf t }

3) Concentrate on getting the timing right. If you make a mistake, keep going, do not stop or pause.

4) Start off slowly and build up speed once you can do the 8-beat without losing timing.

When you start getting really good, start the t sound b sound and the pft sound; they are the simplest beat boxing techniques!

And speaking of getting really good, I once parallel parked my Mercedes GL stretch limousine right on Flatbush Avenue in the rain. Now you tell me I didn't deserve that $50 tip that day!

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

A Hunka Hunka Burnin' Lobsterfest


Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster seems to drag out longer than the Vietnam conflict, except with much more delicious, scrumptious morsels of melt-in-your mouth lobster meat. We at Red Lobster still have yet to hit a wall when it comes to inventing new ways to sucker you morons into our restaurant. Here now are the latest ploys we've concocted:

• We partner with the Hollywood actress Emily Blunt (or is it Ellen Page? The one in that thriller movie with the guns) to promote nightly fun lobster events at the restaurant. A different dipping sauce is featured for Ellen to dip lobster bits as she recites lines from her memorable role. That there is somewhat of a way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster, right? No?

• The entire waitstaff pretends not to speak any English. When you order anything but lobster on the menu, we all get excited, do a (clearly Mexican-based) dance around your table and serve up lobster anyway. If you want to complain to our manager, he rides out on a burro wearing bullet bandoliers and an offensively large sombrero on his head and says, "Que?" ¡Es otra forma de disfrutar de langosta en Lobsterfest® en Red Lobster!

• Hey, you sci-fi geeks! July is our special Red Lobster Lobsterfest® For Vulcans! During this month we wear those pointy Spock ears and act all logical or whatever. We also do that Klingon greeting like, "Live Long And Prosper" and pretend to do that crazy Vulcan sleep hold on your shoulder! LOL! Oh, we also charge you an extra $35.00 fee for all the trouble. Now, there right there is one hell of a way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• If somehow through some failure in logistics, we actually run out of lobster, we'll close. That unfortunately is one of the possible ways to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• There's this guy named Yancey (not sure if it's his first or last name) who comes around the restaurant with homemade clocks that he carves from driftwood. Now, I enjoy his eccentricities as much as the next guy, but if he comes around the restaurant again trying to sell that shit of his during business hours, you guys have to make sure to escort him out. I'm not standing for any solicitation in the restaurant– yes, I understand Yancey's a nice old man and all that, Carol. But if you do nothing and just let him walk around inside this place of business selling his stupid nonworking clocks, I swear to God I'm going to fire the lot of you. Yes, that's one more way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Let's Add Soy Sauce To The EADJ Mail Sack Even Though The Waiter Told Us It Didn't Need It!

Submitted by Jason Rogers via MMS, a brand of microbrew that really speaks to me:


That is one happy looking sprig of hops.

I thought about saving this for the EADJ Pun Cops, but gah.

Monday, July 11, 2011

She Will?!


"She'll do things your wife won't." After contacting the fine folks at NoStrings.com, their marketing department (some guy named Gary) cleared up exactly what they were hinting at. So here is a complete list of the things that woman in the banner ad will do that your wife won't:

• Fart at the dinner table
• Record "M*A*S*H" reruns for you instead of that goddamned "Sex and the City" shit
Not dress slutty at the flea market
• Hang up with her sister when you have to use the phone
• Blow her nose "farmer-style"
• Shut up about how dreamy Ryan Reynolds is
• Tell you when you're going too far with the black jokes instead of getting really quiet and mad about it
• Leave crying off the table when you two are arguing
• Pay for your hair plugs
• Not get offended when you use the phrase "wifely duties"
• Ignore the atrocious kerning in the Sony logo
• Show you her "cum catcher" back tat
• Reek of vanilla body spray and Tanqueray
• Pose like an idiot in online advertisements
• Mack with your brother when you're not looking
• Buy AA batteries when you specifically asked for AAA batteries
• Compete with your Real Doll for your affection
• Let you cum on her car
• Remember not to dog ear your copy of "The Brothers Karamazov"
• Introduce herpes into the home

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Off-Brand TP Roundup: Mini Dingleberry Entry


Brand: Monogram Embossed Bathroom Tissue
Label: Generic yellow stripe to tell the ladies to wipe their pee with it
Feels Like: Wearing a thong made of heated rope


Brand: Cormatic 2-Ply White Bath Tissue
Label: Reassuring script initial cap
Feels Like: Waterboarding your anus


Brand: Vantage RDA
Label: Rectangle-over-starburst-over-circle label; mysterious "RDA" acronym
Feels Like: Raspily Dabs Asshole


Brand: Quill.com Bath Tissue
Label: Odd choice.com of using a working URL in the actual product name.com; Feather in the Q
Feels Like: Wiping.com your ass.net with an actual feather.org