Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster seems to drag out longer than the Vietnam conflict, except with much more delicious, scrumptious morsels of melt-in-your mouth lobster meat. We at Red Lobster still have yet to hit a wall when it comes to inventing new ways to sucker you morons into our restaurant. Here now are the latest ploys we've concocted:
• We partner with the Hollywood actress Emily Blunt (or is it Ellen Page? The one in that thriller movie with the guns) to promote nightly fun lobster events at the restaurant. A different dipping sauce is featured for Ellen to dip lobster bits as she recites lines from her memorable role. That there is somewhat of a way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster, right? No?
• The entire waitstaff pretends not to speak any English. When you order anything but lobster on the menu, we all get excited, do a (clearly Mexican-based) dance around your table and serve up lobster anyway. If you want to complain to our manager, he rides out on a burro wearing bullet bandoliers and an offensively large sombrero on his head and says, "Que?" ¡Es otra forma de disfrutar de langosta en Lobsterfest® en Red Lobster!
• Hey, you sci-fi geeks! July is our special Red Lobster Lobsterfest® For Vulcans! During this month we wear those pointy Spock ears and act all logical or whatever. We also do that Klingon greeting like, "Live Long And Prosper" and pretend to do that crazy Vulcan sleep hold on your shoulder! LOL! Oh, we also charge you an extra $35.00 fee for all the trouble. Now, there right there is one hell of a way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!
• If somehow through some failure in logistics, we actually run out of lobster, we'll close. That unfortunately is one of the possible ways to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!
• There's this guy named Yancey (not sure if it's his first or last name) who comes around the restaurant with homemade clocks that he carves from driftwood. Now, I enjoy his eccentricities as much as the next guy, but if he comes around the restaurant again trying to sell that shit of his during business hours, you guys have to make sure to escort him out. I'm not standing for any solicitation in the restaurant– yes, I understand Yancey's a nice old man and all that, Carol. But if you do nothing and just let him walk around inside this place of business selling his stupid nonworking clocks, I swear to God I'm going to fire the lot of you. Yes, that's one more way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!
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