Are You Ready For The P90x Challenge?

P90x is the latest home fitness system designed to get you in the best shape of your life, brah!

What makes P90x so effective? An advanced training technique called "muscle confusion." This involves an extensive variety of fat-burning, muscle-perfecting moves that constantly challenge your body, making you get fitter every day!

Here now are some great examples of P90x's patented "muscle confusion:"

• Sandra, one of our trainers, flirts with your muscles at a bar and gives them her number. Then, a few days later, when your muscles try to text her or give her a call, she acts like she's never heard of them!

• Your muscles' economics professor asks them a question regarding Gross Domestic Product, although that topic won't be covered for another three chapters.

• 67 saxophone bing dog-ears fan belt churro mastication fluffernutter bugbears monocle ding dong sweater weather shishkebab Pike's Place bonky bonk duality Ellen Cleghorn distance Roosevelt Twizzler Jamba pesky wonton 4.4439 donkey zhazhazhazhazha orange fartlips.

• Momma tells your muscles that they can go to the Pizza Palace on Friday night if they do their chores and stay out of her hair. When Friday rolls around, forgets she promised that to your muscles.

• Republican Senators promise to reach a compromise on a controversial bill with your muscles, saying they will reach across the aisle to find a suitable middle ground. Later, they don't.

• Your muscles watch the "LOST" finale.

• We take your muscles to a local Build-A-Bear Workshop, but instead of building a bear for your muscles, we giving the attorneys three weeks to file any additional information. Finding in favor of Auburn, Polito released his decision on March 7, explaining he rejected Hutchings’ petition and agreed with an arbitrator’s previous decision.

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A Quick Rundown of Joel's Thoughts on Certain Issues

The following are not actual quotes, but computer-generated hypothetical Joel musings:

ON EATING DICK: "I loves it."

ON THE BASSLINE TO KYLIE MINOGUE'S 'I JUST CAN'T GET YOU OUT OF MY HEAD': "Hypnotic."

ON PIZZA HUT CAVITINI: "I definitely have a love/hate relationship with that pasta dish. On one hand, it's a welcome, delicious alternative to the general sameness of Pizza Hut-brand pizza. But on the other, it's a tiny nasty dish of red spiral what-the-fuck."

ON THE LIKELIHOOD OF WIPING HIS BUTT WITH A PINECONE DURING A CAMPING TRIP: "4 to 6 chances."

ON THE TRUSTWORTHINESS OF CHIROPODISTS WHO MOVE YOUR APPOINTMENT AT THE LAST MINUTE: "The first time is forgivable. The second time is pushing it. The third, I think we need to discuss why you're avoiding me. Is it because I caught wood and started moaning?"

ON APOLOGIZING TO CARLA: "I'm sorry, Carla."

ON THE CANADIAN PRIME MINISTER'S DISSOLVING OF PARLIAMENT LAST SUNDAY: "A brazen maneuver of a loophole by Stephen Harper to keep the outnumbered Conservatives in power."

ON HOTEL WAKE-UP CALLS: "They're always nicer when it's a human voice."

ON BISCOTTI: "The harder and more almond-filled, the better."

ON PSYCHOBILLY: "It's an under-appreciated genre of music. The energy, vitality, and sheer talent of many psychobilly bands is undercut by the novelty of their songs' subject matter. A shame, really."

ON MISPLACING HIS IPOD: "Piss fuckburger."

ON SUCKERPUNCHING FRED SAVAGE: "Cruel but understandable."

ON TAFFY PULLS: "Makes me sleepy."

ON WINNING A STEEPLECHASE: "I wouldn't know."

ON LOSING A STEEPLECHASE: "All that time invested for nothing. Makes me mad."

ON PEOPLE THAT BLOW THEIR NOSE WITH THEIR HAND IN THE PARK: "Gross."

ON STACKING TOWELS IN THE CLOSET LIKE CURLED UP CORDS OF WOOD: "I'm all for it."

ON THE POSSIBILITY OF A ZOMBIE OUTBREAK: "I've stockpiled plenty of dick, so I'm ready for anything."

(pictured above, no wonder Toucan Cleric's Fun attracts roaches the size of rollerblades)