UAG

Introducing the Phantom Fireworks Cinematic Universe

A display case at Stop & Shop reveals that the Phantom Fireworks company is planning to roll out feature films based on their individual products.

 Here now are their upcoming HERO SERIES movie releases:

Static Bellectricity, starring Jessica Chastain

Chasten plays mild mannered Bella Brown, who discovers a magical medallion that unlocks the power to shoot electric blasts at people who tell her she can't achieve everything she sets her mind to.

Fearsome African-American, starring Keegan-Michael Key

Armed with a red spandex suit and a bold attitude, Fred Forpath transforms into FEARSOME AFRICAN-AMERICAN, who will INTIMIDATE his enemies into not making eye contact with him

Punching Down Man, starring Bill Maher

The legendary comedian plays Punching Down Man, a hero so out of touch with society norms that he thinks his doorman asking off for Ramadan is "too woke" and develops a stand-up routine/ramble mocking him.

The Sentient, starring Dave Bautista

Totally ripped and wearing a mask to hide his face, studio executives are eager to recast this role with a much cheaper actor when Bautista's contract runs out.

Captain Nuclear, starring Walton Goggins

This hero has the unfortunate ability to expose his team and everyone around him to deadly amounts of radiation, causing both his enemies and the people he loves to die of poisoning within months of exposure, while still tragically keeping him alive. He's the team captain.

 

My Apple Watch Ain't Playing Around, Guys

It is... 

Fringe Backdrop

Kill It With Fire

Spotted on Disney+, a promo for the Disneynature Collection:

Great gosh. An attempt at artistic digital collage ends up looking like painful radioactive mutations. And what are the large shapes containing it all? Oh, they're the animals' environments– an iceberg, a leaf and a droplet of water.

If A.I. isn't responsible for these horrific design decisions, I'd sure as hell blame it on that.

Au Revoir! Sayonara! Aloha! Goodbye to Shit!

Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye!

Upcoming Exhibits at the Annual Consumer Electronics Show

CES takes place in Pueblo, Colorado next month. Here are the featured booths and products to check out:

• an Ebookshelf

• some complicated DJ equipment that makes it look like you're doing something

• a humidifier for your wife's privates

• an A.I. controlled Roomba that clicks its teeth at how messy you are

• live music by the Boston Dynamic Stagediving and Moshing Robots

• fiber optic butt plugs

• digital ham