Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Six Lies Told By The New Jersey Performing Arts Center Brochure


1) "Stone's throw away," my dick. Clive Barnes of the New York Post is located on 47th Street and Avenue of the Americas- a good 14 miles from the NJPAC. If you can throw a stone 14 miles, Clive, then you're underusing your Kryptonian superpowers and have a lot of unrescued orphan buses to answer for.


2) That photo is not of famed cellist Yo-Yo Ma but of his practical joker brother Bao-Zhi Ma. What a kidder!


3) Diana Krall, Yo-Yo Bao-Zhi Ma, and Cesar Milan did not receive special permission from the NJPAC to appear in photos without their fat face resting on their hand like the other 5 celebs.

4) Alicia Graf Mack was not required in her Alvin Ailey performance to jump from the stage to the fifth level balcony. She just did, and everyone was basically cool with it. Mostly.


5) "Purchase parking in advance and save," my dick. You save like .50 on the pass, but they charge you a $2 "convenience fee" for the online purchase. Do yourself a favor and just ride on the bumper of the city bus. Fuck it.

6) "This is not a 'since we're going to the theater, we may as well eat here' place…" If that were true, why would Nico advertise on a theatre brochure? How disingenuous is that? "Oh, we are totally a destination restaurant, so fuck the theatre, but if you are going to the theatre, you should check us out." Eat my dick, Nico. As soon as Joel is done with it. You'll get your turn.

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EADJ is thrilled to announce a collaboration with Tesla Motors, a project 4 years in the making. Coming November 2016, the Tesla Model 6L a mid-priced premium electric vehicle which will be rolling off the assembly line just in time for Christmas of 2016.


Some features of the 6L:

• A 185 kWh battery that lasts for 6 months without a charge
• Ramp handicapped access to the 3rd row
• 0-60 mph in .35 seconds
• Quadruple motor all-wheel drive
• Unfair comparisons to Joe Isuzu
• Giant, hideous "6" vinyl sticker, totally removable

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