"You're Braver Than You Believe, and Stronger Than You Seem, and Pathmark Than You Think"

Old Fashioned Sugar Cookies

An Imagined Conversation

"Sir, are we finally ready to relaunch our Lasagna with Meat & Sauce?"

"Maybe, Danny. This last four weeks have been tough on the development team, I know. Lots of late nights. Conference room arguments. And some team members have spent the night here multiple nights. But it's important that we satisfy the Lasagna With Meat Sauce Standard after that last lasagna audit. See, when the Lasagna With Meat Sauce Board informed us that the amount of meat in our lasagna didn't satisfy their rigorous standard, I felt like I had let you—I let the entire Stouffer's family—down. So I made the decision to come back to the L.W.M.S.B. with nothing but the very best lasagna and told you all to DOUBLE THE MEAT. You remember that?"

"Yes."

"I know it was a crazy move, but I knew that we could only hope to satisfy the Lasagna With Meat Sauce standard if we doubled the meat. Sure, lots of lasagna companies would just add 10% or 20% more meat, but Stouffer's wouldn't be where it is today by being timid with their meat decisions. We can't afford another round or two of meat proportion negotiations. So 200% it is. Let's just pray it's enough, Danny."

"God help us."

Frito-Lay Has Hit a Wall

Hot Mustard

Tangly Pickle

Tangy Ketchup

It sure seems like Frito-Lay Co. has run out of flavor ideas and has just raided a hot dog stand condiment area. You okay, PepsiCo? You ready to announce Dorito flavored Doritos? New unsalted-then-resalted Doritos? Doritos for Women?

The ProofrEADJer, End of Jan Edition

Do they mean "Veggie Tales"?

UAG

New EADJ Segment: Old Fashioned Sugar Cookies

Star Wars Merch Has Gone Too Far

Check this out and tell me that Star Wars merchandise has hit peak absurdity:

This is a photo of a miniature Death Star shelf designed to hold miniature Funko Pop Star Wars boxed figures. So to repeat, this is a replica of a Death Star shelf that holds miniature Funko Pop replicas of Star Wars characters.

They should make a miniature version of someone admiring their completed miniature shelf and turn that into a Christmas ornament to hang on a miniature Funko Pop Christmas tree.

EADJ Fashion Roundup

Beverly sports the Parappa The Rapper / Fred Durst hip-hop look in 2025.

Karla remains fabulous even while shopping for cumquats in Whole Foods.

Just Do It? Naomi just does it with some yellow Nikes and a super-swooshed jacket. 

Celeste feels faint. Someone call the space station robot doctor from the 1970s!

"7="

Dmitri is ready for Season 3 of Squid Game.

Y'all, Let's Say Goodbye To More Stuff In Advertising!

LinkedIn Update

The Newest Perks of an AMC Stubs Membership

Moviegoers will rejoice when they see that AMC has bolstered their already popular Stubs Rewards program with even more benefits. Here are the newest perks you can enjoy by joining today:

• First-time viewings of movies that will be released on streaming the next day anyway

• Free salty malt balls, but only if you don't like malt balls

• If an ICE raid occurs at the theatre and you look hispanic, you will be detained for only 24 hours instead of the standard 48

• Frieda, the girl who works our projection booths, has a band. She might ask you to join.

• Automatic refunds for any movie tickets that you didn't realize were for 3D

• Free "Better Man" promotional thong that we had left over from the premiere.

♪ Life is a Pa-athmark, Old Chum / It's Only a Pa-athmark ♪

 

Digital Marketer Trips Over Their Dick Using AI

Some online ads for a company named Typeset really set a low bar for communication.

First, they tell you that you need to use their services because you can't "crank out" content.

Then just one scroll later, they're offering everything you need to CRANK OUT content.

Well, which is it, Typeset? Did the AI copywriter get conflicting prompts and vomit out your copy both ways? Or is this supposed to confuse people and make them give up, laying the groundwork for a true AI takeover?

The Curious Product Shots of Basement Shelving on Amazon

I was in the market for some sturdy shelving for the basement and looked on Amazon. What I found wasn't so much helpful as it was odd.

Quite a few shelving units had an attractive woman standing next to the shelving unit to assumedly show scale. But these women were dressed for a Vegas bachelorette party or a bitcoin commercial, not for stacking laundry detergent.

I mean, I get it. Maybe most basement shelf purchasers are men. So sure, let's hook them with a gussied up busty blonde and then let their dick make the purchasing decisions. 

I guess the alternative is showing some young dude jumping midair. And now I don't know if the shelving is huge or that guy is tiny as a 4th grader. You can't win!

My Filthy Mind

I swear, when I first saw this soundtrack cover, I wondered who was that lady with her butt in a thong was in the center.

 

Celebrities: They're Not Like Us At All!

“Pathmark Is the Only Thing Stronger Than Fear."

The ProofrEADJer, New Year Edition