Exciting New Speakers at the Upcoming VidCon

Content creators and influencers, REJOICE! VidCon is back and is better than EVAR! Here are the latest new guests scheduled to appear at this conference:

• CollegeHumor talks about how their material has strayed so far from jokes about campus food and cruddy dorm rooms

• Former YouTube Jenna Marbles discusses her new life as a Mennonite

• We speak to a person who claims to actually be influenced by influencers

• Free trucker hat giveaway! What, you guys don't wear those anymore?

• One of the Good Mythical Morning hosts checks his texts for 10 minutes onstage

• Tana Mongeau makes a duckface on an IMAX screen

• Mr. Beast buys the entire convention center and gives it to a kid who happens to walk by

More Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Seen

"Your Madison Ivy Uber is here."

"Sure, he massacred everyone here, but you really have to look at the situation from his perspective. I feel a little sorry for him, to be honest."

"RUTH, WHERE ARE YOU?"

"As God is my witness, I’ll never be hungry again!"

"Well, that was a miserable hike. Shit, where's my car now?"

"Aren't you Jennifer Hudson?"

"Yeah, aren't you Milla Jovovich, and why are you wearing a ring light on your face?"

Say Goodbye To More Shit

Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! (sprayed) Goodbye! Goodbye!

And just so you know, I have managed to archive all of these and currently have 297 say goodbye screenshots. Keep it up, hack advertisers!

Upcoming Info Wars Conspiracies

AJ and his crack team of writers are hard at work on the newest conspiracies for you to believe in hook, line and sinker. Here are conspiracies that will appear in future Info Wars episodes:

• Tuxedo rental places give your measurements to the DNC so they catalog everyone for Marxist worksuits

• When you add your ZIP code with your Social Security number, that's how many sperm the government needs to perfectly clone you

• There's a sixth member of the Backstreet Boys who has never appeared onstage: Wally

• If you conjugate the verb "unvaccinate" in a bathroom mirror, RFK Jr. will appear.

• Employees of Combination Pizza Hut / Taco Bell / KFC restaurants get paid TRIPLE and are genetically altered to birth triplets

Spotted On A Star Wars Toy

Yoda says, "Learn about electricity, you will." Although I'm pretty sure you can learn a lot more about electricity from the other guy.

EADJ Fashion Round-Up, Crosswalk Catwalk Edition

Gabby stayed up late at night and captured and skinned the Monsters Inc. monster that came out of her closet. The results are a breezy and fabulous hooded coat.

Selma shows off a bold wide brimmed hat and a baggy sleeved ensemble with a messenger bag, although I'm not 100% certain that's not a mannequin that a CVS employee is setting up.

The problem with NPCs in video games is that they're dressed so basic and matchy that it's easy to tell they're not real.

Three stripes, three stripes, MANY stripes. Adidas explosion!

Deandra shows off her armchair upholstering top and skirt made of crinoline or taffeta or whatever...

TULLE! It's called tulle!

It's Time Once Again For "Where Are They Now?"

Baltimore Orioles catcher Berry Ticker announced his retirement after taking his team to the playoffs five times and won the American League East in 2020. He plans to run a handmade furniture store in his hometown of Ottumwa, Iowa.

Bitcoin billionaire Chilg Bibim Nangmyung was recently spotted pushing a broom outside a strip mall in Dover, New Hampshire.

After saying goodbye to seven seasons of her show on Nickelodeon, child pop star Cascara Latte has emerged with an all new, "bad girl" look and a new dance album that takes on more grown up themes, such as vaping and living with roommates on your own.

Some Motivational Words of Support From the Pool Toy Section of Target

Ride on, Stingray, ride on.

Float, Stingray Baby, float.

🤙

A Man Who Dares to Waste One Hour of Time Has Not Discovered the Value of Pathmark.

All The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To Netflix This Month

Netflix renews or cancels shows or movies based on viewer preferences or whichever studio offers them more money. Here are all the shows that will be added to Netflix this month:

• Pixar's The Human Centipede

• The Property Brothers Wander Into The Wrong Neighborhood

• The Visual Effects Behind The Moon Landing

• Actual Shark Tank

• 90 Day Fiancé: Divorce Court

Here are the shows and movies that Netflix is removing from their lineup this month:

• Hot Ones: The Anime

• Jack Reach-around-er

• Love It, List It, or Let Squatters Run Rampant The Place?

• Rachael Ray's Too Lazy To Cook Tonight and Will Just Order Pizza

• Bluey Files To Escape His Conservatorship 

VidCon Speaker Schedule UPDATE!

This month's upcoming VidCon will be a banger. Even more so with the newest additions. Here's who to look forward to at the industry's premiere event for content creators and influencers:

• Teach Me Dad will abandon you, just like your real Dad did

• Podcaster Ted Cruz will reveal that he is also a U.S. Senator

• Beauty blogger San Diana will disavow the trend of 'muted blurry lips' at the risk of ruining her 3 month reputation

• Blue and Black Dress vs. White and Gold Dress Dodgeball Deathmatch

• Brainstorm or Green Needle Dodgeball Deathmatch

• Free mustard samples from French's Mustard, the "Hip and Happening Mustard For All Your Content Creator Needs!"

UAG

Another Facebook Ad

Apparently, Brooklinen customers would pay $35 to have their room smell like sweaty, clandestine 70s sex in a camper van.

Stanchion Support Was Scared

Stanchion Support was scared.

Cyclops Pillow had no sympathy.

RV Cover was FURIOUS about it.

Trash Bins were totally going to gossip about this later.

Latex Glove in TSA Bin said, Rock on.

Meanwhile, Waffle Ball Ultron awaited his revenge.

This Week in Chicago Whatever

The following are synopses for this week's episodes:

Chicago P.D.

Furillo calls for a gang summit to make peace for the president's visit; Hill and Renko meet for the first time since the shooting.

Chicago Med

While coping with a fussy new administrator, Dr Westphall investigates suspicious deaths in Ward Five, Martin shocks Fiscus by breaking off their affair, and Cavanero has to deal with a very hostile nurse.

Chicago Fire

A canyon fire threatens the residents of a housing development and keeps the paramedics on round-the-clock duty; guest Tony Dow.

NOTE: The episode summaries above were actually real synopses for Hill Street Blues, St. Elsewhere and Emergency. PSYCHE!

Unexpected King of Queens

Spotted at a toy store:

FYI

Pictured below, the entirety of the salad bar at Chuck E. Cheese:

Hey! We're Gonna Say Goodbye To More Stuff Marketers Want You To Say Goodbye To!

Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye!