How To Tell The Difference Between CBS's FBI, FBI: International, and FBI: Most Wanted

Hello, network TV watcher. We understand your time is valuable, so while the 5+ minutes of pharmaceutical commercials are playing during the station break, we'd like to help you distinguish between the identical-seeming FBI programs on CBS, aka the "Tiffany network".

Here are some handy rules of thumb to tell them apart:

• If Dermot Mulroney is on it, it's FBI: Most Wanted. (No, wait. Or is it Dylan McDermott?)

• If the two lead actors are a woman and a dude with a beard, chances are it's either FBI or FBI: International

• If you see the Eiffel Tower, that means you're watching either FBI: International or FBI and the show is taking place at Kings Dominion in Virginia.

• If they're suddenly speaking Spanish and there are NOT subtitles, that just means you sat on the remote, grandma.

• If the storyline is engaging, intelligently written and impeccably acted, that means it's none of those FBI shows and you're illegally watching a pirated copy of HBO's hit series "Severance." We have called the real FBI and they are on their way.

The ProofrEADJer: End of Year Edition

UAG

Merry Christmas From EADJ

From all of us at Eat A Dick Noel Joel, we'd like to wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

More unwrapping presents

More inviting peasants

More stuffing pheasants

More commuting sentences

More miking pences

More mending fences

More passed tenses

More zooming lenses

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To HBO Max This Month

Every so often, HBO Max renews or cancels shows or movies due to server size. Here now are all the shows that will be added to HBO Max this month:

• Mark Maron Almost Comes Up With a Complete Comedy Bit

• Chernobyl: The Musical

• Two Broke Girls and One Cup

• Top Gear: EV Edition

• Severance: The Joan Severance Story, Not the Popular HBO Show

Here are the shows and movies that HBO Max is removing from their lineup this month:

• Axl Rose's Yelling At a Farmers Market

• Diners, Drive-Ins, Dives & Depression

• Chernobyl: The Game Show

• Project Runway / America's Next Top Model combination show where a totally unqualified runway model wears some ineptly designed outfits

• Thorjack Norseman

Some Upcoming InfoWars Conspiracies, CHRISTMAS EDITION

Alex Jones and his talented group of writers are toiling away at providing new "news stories" to the next InfoWars broadcast. Here are the wrong-headed and completely unsourced stories they're working on:

• Elf on a Shelf dolls are equipped with micro-cameras that feed into a server that Santa shares with George Soros

• "Frosty the Snowman" is pro-abortion propaganda telling children that they can murder their own snow creations after they gave them life

• Good King Wenceslas was a real historical figure who was abducted by aliens on the Feast of Stephen

• Gift cards are devastating the traditional gift wrap, gift box and gift bag industry. Good people are dying

• The War on Christmas is an actual military engagement, located on Christmas Island being fought between Krampus Rebels and the Saint Nicholas Junta.

Today's EADJ Sponsor: Stan Kay Realty

Do you need to rent office space but can't stand the smell of high rents and outrageous finders fees?

Then, call the Stan Kay Team and breathe in the fresh air of upfront fees and negotiable rents!

What smells like excellent communication? STAN KAY!

What smells like local market knowledge? STAN KAY!

What smells like detail oriented paperwork? STAN KAY!

When it comes to hiring local realtors, don't just get down and dirty. Get STANKAY!

New EADJ Segment: Imagined Backstory

We're going to try something new today: "Imagined Backstory", where we find something out in the world and meticulously and meaninglessly create lore behind it.

Today we have a sign hanging on the shopping cart corral at the local Lowe's:

Who are these people? What's their story? Well, obviously, it's Nicole and Brandon from two towns over. You met them a few months ago at the East Orange Farmer's Market at their homemade honey tent, remember? Nicole sold you a jar of their "Raw Tupelo Honey" and invited you to a barbecue they were throwing after their boys were finished with baseball playoffs, and you ACCEPTED and gave them your number. So now Nicole has been texting and calling you for days wondering if you were going to make it Saturday and also bring your roommates although you don't remember mentioning them. Brandon has been gotten really good at smoking baby back ribs and of course WITH HONEY, LOL. Also, the barbecue is cocktail casual, so wear whatever, but know that the mayor is coming! Why won't you pick up?

(Tragically, they also resemble Lauren Boebert and Proud Boys leader Enrique Tarrio.)

"Only True Friends Leave Footprints In Your Pathmark."

UAG

EADJ Presents: Which Diddy Crime Documentary Should You Watch?

So you want to sit down and watch a crime documentary using dramatic music and recounting (or even recreating) Puff Daddy / P. Diddy / Diddy's allegations of sexual assault, sex trafficking, grooming minors,  false imprisonment, forced labor, kidnapping, arson, bribery, and obstruction of justice. But which one should you watch? Use this handy guide which makes all its assumptions based on the posters:

"Diddy: The Making of a Bad Boy" on Peacock

Use of Red: A shocking splash of what looks like tomato soup drips down the side over one of Diddy's eye. Diddy stands in front of a rough cement wall, which implies prison or crime. The reflection in his sunglasses shows all the celebrity coverage.

Verdict: Guilty

"Diddy: Monster's Fall" on Amazon Prime Video

Use of Red: They colored Diddy's skin and shirt to be bright red, so now he looks either like Darth Maul or the Devil in any Broadway musical. The crackling effect and the crumbling wall behind him indicate a disintegrating empire. And prison. Or unqualified house painters.

Verdict: Guilty

"TMZ Presents: The Downfall of Diddy" on AppleTV and Tubi

Use of Red: Only on the TMZ logo, which if you ask me does implicate THEM as evil. Diddy stands in darkness with only his innocent looking eyes peeking out for help.

Verdict: Guilty

Hollywood Studios Feeding Frenzy Over Hazardous Waste Social Post Photo

Republic Services posted a recruitment announcement on Facebook and since it strangely resembled a movie poster, 3 big Hollywood studios scrambled to option it into a working screenplay.

Here are their elevator pitches: 

SONY PICTURES: "Treatment & Disposal" starring Daniel Kaluuya

A bumbling environmental services worker finds a million dollars in a recycling bin and takes a fun road trip with his friends (Shameik Moore and Dylan Sprouse) to find its owner in Malibu. Also starring Parker Posey as "Momma".

PARAMOUNT: "Waste" starring Jaden Smith

After handling radioactive waste, Republic Services worker Gus (Smith) wakes up and finds that he's grown to be 200 ft tall. He uses his newfound celebrity and power to run for mayor of his small town. Starring John Lithgow as the current mayor (who forbids dancing).

A24: "WE'RE YOUR PARTNER" starring Stranger Things's Caleb McLaughlin

An unhappy Republic Services worker falls into the company's recycling machine and emerges a new person (Michael B. Jordan) with a new wife (Ariana DeBose). After settling into his new life, he realizes it's not so great and jumps into the recycling machine again. Third act played by Austin Butler.

Now We Say Goodbye To All the Stuff Ads Want Us To Say Goodbye To!

Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye!

The Latest Guests Added To VidCon 2024

VidCon US continues to gather momentum as more content creators and online celebrities sign up for this unique live event in Las Vegas. Here now are the newest featured speakers:

• Halsey's housekeeper Marcia speaks on the importance of dryer sheets and Swiffer Dusters

• Influencer ShortButCute clarifies that people hate her not because she's transgender but because she's an asshole

• The Insufferable Ukulele Orchestra may or may not feature Colleen Ballinger

• Doechii will be invited for a sixth time to make an appearance, and although she has never responded, WOULDN'T THAT BE AMAZING IF SHE SHOWED UP GUYS?

• Prankster and magician Justin Flom will waste everyone's time with some bullshit and people will burn the convention center down

“Hope is Being Able to See That There is Light Despite All of the Pathmark.”

 

Surprises From the Consumer Electronics Show 2024

Last weekend the Consumer Electronics Show was held in a Marriott in the Midwest (don't ask where), and exhibitors announced some pretty eyebrow-raising new product launches. Here are some of them:

• A riding blow dryer

• A vacuum cleaner that looks like a Dyson but is somehow more expensive and more British

• Wearable LCD cloth technology that lets you wear a shirt playing "90 Day Fiancé" episodes on your chest and back

• A bouncy castle outfitted with a humidifier so your kids can work themselves into an asthmatic frenzy and then lie down and recover

• A manipulative new AI that badmouths Siri to Alexa and vice versa

• Shoulder mounted missile launchers that destroy anyone who tries to spoil "Severance" for you

• A supercomputer that could easily beat anyone at chess but just doesn't want to

Announcement: New Perks of the AMC Stubs Membership

Movie theaters are finding new ways to get and keep audiences coming back, and the AMC Stubs Rewards program is one of the successful ones, mainly because of the wealth of benefits that joining the club offers. Here are a few of the newest additional perks:

• At every Marvel movie premier, we will expose you to massive amounts of radiation to turn you into a superhero.

• If you don't like the writing of any movie, you can shout "BAD WRITING!", and our dedicated staff of writers will figure out a new scene for you on the spot.

• Sometimes we'll put fully shelled Kola nuts in your popcorn, just to keep you on your toes.

• During screenings of Oscar contenders, we will hire someone to sit next to you and poke you to make sure you stay awake.

• If she's around, actress Madeline Stowe will answer any questions you may have about any movies that have her in it (no autographs or photos please).

The ProofrEADJer: December Edition

Yo, Let's Say Goodbye to a Bunch of Advertising Straw Men!

And this one submitted by the lovely Emily Kane:

Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye!

I Have Questions.

I spotted this promo for a new talk show on Tubi featuring football great Deion "Primetime / Neon Deion" Sanders.

The poster doesn't reveal a ton of information, so I have questions:

• "The talk show you didn't know you needed" Why? Is the format refreshingly different? Weather forecasts featuring a koala? Topless cooking segments?

• I'm guessing Deion has interviewed people before, having hosted NFL broadcasts and whatnot. But who are he and his cohost interviewing? Reality stars? Retired football players and their wives? Other Sanders?

• Does the title "We Got Time Today" give us any clues? It's a daily talk show with extra time for in depth interviews? Are there no commercial breaks because it's broadcast on Tubi? What the shit is Tubi, anyway? Questions.

Quit Lying, TikTok.

No you didn't, Chelsea. You didn't learn how to boil spaghetti in a pot that's too small with way too much water that will boil over onto your stove top. Quit your ignorant lying... oh wait, it's TikTok. Carry on.