Thursday, September 10, 2015

Some Upcoming Movie Releases Based On The Names of Flower Bouquets At Safeway

Having optioned every novel, comic book, television show, and short film property as full length feature films, the major studios in Hollywood have no choice but to start mining the floral section of the Safeway in College Park, Maryland for movie ideas. Because who wants to write original material anymore.

The following movies are already in production and are slated for theaters as soon as March 2016:

"Spider Mum," starring Sally Field, Andrew Garfield, and Topher Grace. Directed by Zach Znyder

Sony Pictures re-re-reboots the flagging Spider-Man series in the hope that people will still give a shit about a franchise that was fine the first time around. Sally Field reprises her role as Aunt May, but this time she's the one bitten by the radioactive spider and takes on the heavy responsibilities of fighting corruption in local politics and ensuring that four-way stop signs get installed around the local elementary school. Also starring Key & Peele as Doc Ock and Vulture.

"Pom" starring Jake Gyllenhaal, Stellan SkarsgĂ„rd, and Chiwetel Ejiofor.
Three award-winning actors with hard to pronounce names turn down really terrific roles for a movie, mistakenly reading the script as "Porn" with poor kerning.

"Vibrant Orange Petite" starring Rebel Wilson, Amanda Seyfried and Beth Behrs. Directed by Elizabeth Banks.

The actress from Fat Amy from "Pitch Perfect" is back, starring as a girl who opens her own tanning salon (Orange Petite) across the street from the bitchy sorority sisters (Seyfried and Behrs) who already have a successful day spa FOR THIN GIRLS ONLY. Soundtrack by Meghan Trainor, Adele, Kelly Clarkson and Mary Lambert. That's mean.

"East Coasts Best" starring Chris Rock, Giancarlo Esposito, and Taraji P. Henson. Directed by McG.
A successful real estate tycoon (Esposito) hires a hip local comedian (Rock) as the face of his new condo business, with disastrous results. Also starring Patrick Warburton as Norman the Doorman.

"Lily Asiatic" starring Devon Aoki, Naomi Watts and Jon Cryer. Directed by Michael Bay and Peter Berg.

A naval captain (Watts) and a space station crewman (Cryer) team up to stop a deadly typhoon, a zombie outbreak and an alien invasion from devastating a Japanese island. Devon Aoki plays Lily, a marine biologist with an untapped supernatural power. CG by Jim Henson's Muppet Workshop. Script still pending.

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